FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET OUT OF THERE, KIDS! RUN! RUN! RUN!
Monday, August 8, 2011
best of craigslist > detroit metro >
Date: 2008-08-13, 6:40AM EDT
Laura. You were hot. I was not. You let me fuck you because I was funny. Thank you.
Kim. We smoked a lot of weed and drank all the time. I don't remember much.
Sarah. You were hot. But a total bitch. I could have done better. You treated me like shit. I put up with it because you had a great vagina. Beautiful.
Another Kim. You thought you were smart. You weren't. I was bored.
Charlee. I liked your name and the way it was spelled.
Rachel. You were really sweet and nice. Stop emailing me. It's been fifteen years. It's creeping me out and pissing off my wife. Fucking classmates.com.
Megan. I wanted you since high school. I was kinda disappointed when it happened.
Jennifer. What the hell was I thinking? What the hell were you thinking? You smelled kinda funny too. Your dad was a dick.
Jill. You had HUGE nipples. Couldn't feel a thing though. Shame all that nippleage going to waste. Michelle. You were a drug addict. You have to be pretty fucked up for me of all people to say that.
Another Megan. I lost your number.
Laura. I did it for the novelty of going out with a girl that I went out with ten years before. You were still hot. I got kinda hot. We were better matched. Thanks again. Sorry I dumped you. You were a shitty tipper. I had no choice. Some handsome and cool shitty tipping guy probably grabbed you. Or some funny wanker.
Another another Megan. I've dated a lot of Megans. This one was no prize.
Debby. You were really smart except you had no self esteem. Be careful or some asshole is going to own you and that would be sad. You're smart and pretty and have great tits. Smaller tits can be awesome too.
Sophia. Liked your name. Liked that you worked out a lot. You seemed nice but you fucked up my credit. User.
Andrea. You had that adorable petite look that I can only call the "Penelope Cruz" look. Too bad you didn't have her personality.
Emily. NOBODY FUCKING CARES YOUR FAMILY IS RICH. You'd be okay if you were not preoccupied with wealth you did not personally acquire.
Dr. Sanderson. You worked too much. You were kinda cold. I thought you were cool though but you are so career motivated you probably did not give a shit about anything else. I got drunk once and thought about asking you to marry me though. I still wonder if you would have.
Elizabeth. You are my wife. My wife is perfect. My life is perfect.
Violet. You are my daughter. When I looked in on you tonight I had that rush of feeling so strong that a shiver went through my whole body. Before I met you I was a "kids are no big deal, everyone's got kids and they're not that fucking special" kinda guy. You ruined me. I'm gay for kids now. I love you so much baby.
My unborn 6 month old fetal daughter. If you come out deformed or ugly as shit I'll still love and protect you.
Not that kinda gold. The other kind. Btw.. what's for lunch?
Matthew McConaugh--HEY, I got one!
Michael Keaton, looking for movie roles. Keep digging -- Multiplicity 2 is up there somewhere.
Good Will, Hunting
You can't hide, Marcia Cross
Halle finds a Berry
Kate Hudson. There's a Black Crowes joke in here somewhere.
"It was a scratch!"
The royal nose is clean, sir.
"I'll be.. wrapped around your finger..."
It would be a nasty celeb list without LiLo, now would it? She's looking for some leftover coke residue she can re-snort.