Thursday, June 23, 2011

Movie Trailer Of The Day: Page One

They did it backwards. Usually it's a slick trailer that tricks you into seeing a crap movie. This time it's a crap trailer that will keep people from seeing what is probably a very good film. They should have hired my buddies Spinderfella or Blong -- either could have edited a better trailer with his feet.

I'll still see it, though, because the subject interests me. Opens tomorrow.


Ultra-Condensed Movies Of The Day

Movies stripped bare. From Movie-A-Minute.

GOOD WILL HUNTING

Matt Damon: I'm smart, but so what? Let's start fights and pick up chicks.

Robin Williams: If you push people away, they can't be close to you.

Matt Damon: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP you fixed me thank you I love you. (cries)

THE END



BATMAN AND ROBIN

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ice to meet you.

Producers: We may have created the worst movie in history.

THE END


THE SIXTH SENSE

Haley Joel Osment: I see dead people.

Bruce Willis: Try talking to them.

Haley Joel Osment: It worked.

THE END


RETURN OF THE JEDI

Darth Vader: Luke, come to the dark side.

Luke: No.

Darth Vader: Your goodness has redeemed me. Die, emperor scum.

THE END


IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE

James Stewart: I'm useless.

Henry Travers: Don't say that. The happiness of the entire universe depends on your existence.

James Stewart: Hooray!

THE END



CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND

(Airplanes are found in the desert.)

Researchers: Wow!

(UFOs appear over Richard Dreyfuss' house.)

Richard Dreyfuss: Wow!

(UFOs appear over Devil's Tower.)

All: Wow!

THE END


ERIN BROCKOVICH

Julia Roberts: I'm a jerk, but I'm brilliant. Give me a job, you fountain of scummy pain evil.

Albert Finney: Ok.

Julia Roberts: This company is poisoning water. Let's fry their ugly hides in extract of hell.

(They DO, and it is HEARTWARMING.)

THE END


THE FUGITIVE

(A train WRECKS, and it is COOL.)

Tommy Lee Jones: We must find the fugitive. Check every type of house.

(Tommy Lee Jones chases Harrison Ford but finds out he is innocent.)

Harrison Ford: I'm glad I don't have to run away anymore.

THE END


THE POSTMAN

Kevin Costner: Though I am a simple victim of circumstance, a pretender, I am also a metaphor for the rebirth of the collective American unconscious, quickened again from its own ashes.

Townsfolk: That's nice. Deliver these letters, please.

THE END


GREASE

John Travolta: I like you, but you're not cool enough.

Olivia Newton-John: What if I dress like a slut?

John Travolta: Now that you're not who you are, I can love you for who I wanted you to be.

THE END


THE HORSE WHISPERER

Kristin Scott Thomas: I'm obsessive-compulsive, my daughter broke her leg, and I don't love my husband. Robert Redford, you can save us all if only you'll fix our horse.

Robert Redford: Ok, but you're annoying.

(Robert Redford STARES at the horse, thereby making it ALL BETTER.)

Kristin Scott Thomas: I love you.

THE END


GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS

All: Expletive. The leads, the leads. These are expletive leads. Expletive expletive expletive. It's all about the expletive leads.

THE END


THE FILMS OF DAVID LYNCH

Some Woman: I do enjoy my nice, idyllic lifestyle, but I hope that underneath my seemingly perfect suburban world there is corruption and evil.

(SOME WOMAN discovers her OWN CORPSE and is ARRESTED.)

Midget: Someday that gum you like is going to come back in style.

Hit Man (laughs cryptically)

(An EYE is slit open with a RAZOR BLADE. We learn that SOMEBODY was really SOME WOMAN all along, and they were on the MOON.)

THE END


PRETTY WOMAN

Julia Roberts: I'm a hooker, but I don't kiss on the lips.

Richard Gere: I have a lot of money.

Julia Roberts: (smooch)

THE END

Vid Of The Day: Wiener

The final word on Wiener.

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: Actor Needed For Emotional Role



craigslist > washington, DC >

Actor needed for emotional role - one day high pay


Data: 2009-04-17, 12:52PM EDT


My deceased aunt gave my two kids a Cocker Spaniel a few months back. The dog has been a terror and has become overwhelming for me.

I am a single father raising two young children. I cannot face telling the kids that the dog must go. I have found a good home for the dog, and just need someone to transport the dog, and play the villain.

Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids, and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her.


At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes from my place. Then return holding just a leash.

The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off.


At this point prepare for crying, things being thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic--they're girls.


Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best.


This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry.

Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situation.

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