Monday, June 20, 2011
Thousands Turn Out For Empire State Building's Annual No-Hassle Suicide Day
June 16, 2011 | ISSUE 47•24
NEW YORK—Thousands jumped off the Empire State Building Thursday as part of the famed skyscraper's 12th annual No-Hassle Suicide Day, during which anyone can take the iconic 86-story plunge without having to worry about being stopped, fined, or serving time in prison.
Calling this year's event a "resounding success," building officials said that once the final body had hit the pavement, No-Hassle Suicide Day 2011 would go down as the most well attended in history, with jumpers coming from all 50 states and all corners of the globe to take advantage of the lax building security and the New York City Police Department's promise not to talk anyone down.
At press time, 18,755 people had jumped off the Empire State Building.
"For 364 days of the year, security on our observation deck is tight, and any person who threatens to jump is typically tackled and arrested before he gets a chance to climb our safety fence," building owner Anthony Malkin told reporters, while behind him as many as 15 bodies could be seen falling through the sky. "But on the third Thursday of every June, we open up our doors, lower our guardrails, and let people jump—no questions asked—off one of the most famous buildings in all of the world."
"So if you've lost your will to live and want the ultimate suicide experience, come on down to the historic Empire State Building," he added. "Tickets are only $15."
(Story continues here)
Today, I found out that the electric nose hair clippers that I've been using for the past two years are in fact my father's pubic hair trimmers. FML
Today, I went to the Doctors and the nurse asked if I was married, in which I responded "yes". Then she asked if I was sexually active... "no". FML
Today, a man on the train asked me if i had any change. I quickly responded with "no habla engles". He then tapped me on the shoulder and said "That would've been a lot more believable if you weren't reading that paper." FML
Today, I was walking along the street and passed a young couple. Over my shoulder I heard the girl say to her boyfriend "Would you still love me if I looked like her?" FML
Today, while showering in my dorm, a hand reaches through the curtain and grabs my ass. I hit the person on the other side of the curtain. He opened the curtain thinking that I was his girlfriend. He apologized and he proceeded to have sex with his girlfriend in the shower stall next to me. FML
Today, I wanted to have a good lunch with my wife before fasting for my surgery which I may not survive, she decided getting her hair cut was more important. I ate alone. FML
Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick. I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there. FML
Today, while driving my kids to school, my son said, "Why don't you find another place to live, so we can just live with daddy?" Then my daughter added, "Yeah, 'cause we LOVE Daddy." FML
Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room... my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML
Today, I found out that I am being sued for losing a set of wedding photos that I took. I lost them by being mugged on the way home after the shoot and £10,000 worth of equipment was stolen from me. FML
Today, the girl I love and I went to visit my parents out of state for the first time. My father grinned and acknowledged that she was a "keeper," at which she laughed and said we were "just friends." I was going to propose to her next week. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML
Today, my name was called during an assembly because I won some sort of prize. Everyone boo'ed. FML
Today, I had a performance evaluation meeting with my boss. He told me I was the best in my department, and that the productivity has never been higher before I started working here. Oh, and he said that because everything is working so well, they don't need me as much, so he's cutting my hours. FML
Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity filled. As she's drilling into my tooth, I feel the drill slip, and then she quickly stuffs gauze into my mouth. She nervously laughs and says to me "Wow! You must really be numb!" FML
Now let's hear yours.