Monday, June 6, 2011
Date: 2007-09-07, 8:47AM EDT
When you have to visit a public restroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't-so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance".
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday-the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backwards against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lost your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper--not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up.
You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet papet trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??)
You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public restrooms. It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!
Actual credits from real movies.
"Author of A Tale of Two Cities: Charles Dickens" - Airplane!
"Worst Boy: Adolf Hitler" - Airplane II: The Sequel
"The Voice: Himself" - Field of Dreams
"Based on the Best-Selling Novel, The Tomatoes of Wrath" - Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
"This film was filmed entirely on location in France, except for bits that were filmed elsewhere." - Killer Tomatoes Eat France!
"ASPCT Approved: No tomatoes were mistreated or injured during production of this motion picture, except those who deserved it." - Killer Tomatoes Eat France!
"IF YOU HAD LEFT THIS THEATRE WHEN THESE CREDITS BEGAN, YOU'D BE HOME NOW." - Hot Shots!
"This film cannot be shown in Flint. All the theaters have closed." - Roger & Me
"No mimes were injured in the making of this motion picture. Furs were not worn. All catering was strictly vegetarian. Filmed entirely in a non-smoking area. All females were referred to as 'women'. White males were considered suspect and made to feel guilty. Condoms were worn at all times.” - Backfire
"No oceans were polluted during the filming of this movie." - Speed 2: Cruise Control
"No thanks whatsoever to the Santa Rosa City School District Governing Board." - Scream
Habe Roasher: Helen Roberts
The Third Man: Guido Reidy
Focus Loader: Jack Williams
Focus Puller: Tony Strachan
Clapper Loader: John Fletcher
Clapper Puller: Tom Brown
Puller Clapper: Joe Taylor
Clapper Clapper: Edward Davis
Flipper Flapper: Jane Thomas
Hey Diddle Diddle: The Cat And The Fiddle
Foreez: A Jolly Good Fellow
This Space For Rent [in the middle of an otherwise blank screen]
- Top Secret!
"Ernst Blofeld: '?' " - From Russia with Love
"No lobsters were harmed during this production, only eaten." - Lobster Man from Mars
"No animals or aliens were harmed in the making of this film." - Independence Day
"Sperm Wrangler: Blair Clark" - Look Who's Talking Too
"Lots of small furry animals with sad eyes were tortured making this movie." - Guns on the Clackamas: A Documentary
"Filmed in Dragarama" - The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
(Last line of credits) "FIN" - A Fish Called Wanda
(Last line of credits): "The movie's over, you can go home now." - Better Off Dead...
"No Canadians were harmed in this production." - Canadian Bacon
"Made without any help whatsoever from the New York Transit Authority" - The Taking of Pelham One Two Three (1974)
"Thanks to Mom and Dad for having sex all those years ago." - Mallrats
"Filmed on location in Valley of the Sun, Arizona, a great place to raise your kids." - Raising Arizona
Crane Grip .................. Lloyd Barcroft
Dolly Grip .................. Jon Falkengren
Poli-Grip ................... Martha Raye
- Naked Gun 2 1/2: The Smell of Fear
"The band Spinal Tap is fictional. And there's no Easter Bunny, either!" - This Is Spinal Tap
"Special thanks to the Zamundan Film Authority" (Zamunda is the fictional country from which Eddie Murphy's character comes.) - Coming to America
"No dogs were harmed in the making of this film. We shot them all at the wrap party." - Curse of the Queerwolf
"Special Effects Bra by Bart Trickel" - The Linguini Incident
Demon Wrangler: Kevin Kutchaver
Stand-By Demon Wrangler: Linda Obalil
Director's Mistress: Phyllis Diedrickson
- Hard To Die
"Special thanks to the City of Tokyo for assistance in getting Godzilla to appear in this movie." - Bambi Meets Godzilla"
"Screenplay by James Dearden, for the screenplay based on his earlier screenplay." - Fatal Attraction
Emergency Operator: 911
Enterprise Captains: James T. Kirk, Jean-Luc Picard
Still Waters: Run Deep
Horse Translator: Dr Doolittle
Dead Sculptors: Michelangelo, Rodin
Sketchy Artist: Vincent Van Gogh
Plastered: My Wierd Uncle Bob
Loaded Cameraman: Getting Help
Kung Fu Grip: G.I. Joe
Ms. Sheridan's Stand-Out: Her Legs
Gorgeous Blonde's Phone Number: Still Trying To Get It
- Spy Hard
"Hardly any animals were killed during the filming of this movie." - Roadkill
A symbol similar to the Artist Formerly Known as Prince is in the credits
as "victim in field" - Fargo
Some people call these "accidental porn," but we all know these are no accident.
All schlongs must go!
Hey! I don't remember my bike having a banana seat!
Pubic symmetry is a good thing.
Tie your napkin 'round your neck, cherie, and "she" provides the rest.
Wendy thought she was buying dog bone clips, not dog boner clips
Because a kid doesn't make enough of his own?
Gives a whole new meaning to "pour me a stiff one."
Can I eat my crackers first?
The "Mr. Brain's" is much more disturbing than the other part.
They don't call him The Punisher for nothin'
One of my all-time FP favorites
I might have to rethink my position on ham
Save the forest. Plant a tree.
They don't call him The Punisher for nothin', Lois.