From The Borowitz Report.
Trump Dogged By Rumors His Hair Is Not From The U.S.
So-called ‘Balders’ Movement Gathers Steam
NEW YORK (4/25/11) – A threat to the fledgling presidential campaign of Donald Trump emerged today, as a group of activists charged that Mr. Trump is not eligible to hold the nation’s highest office because his hair does not originate from the U.S.
The group, who call themselves “Balders,” claim that the hair-like substance that crowns Mr. Trump’s head is from a foreign country, which would mean that the candidate is less than one hundred percent American.
“Time and time again, Donald Trump has refused to produce a certificate of authenticity for his hair,” said Leeann Selwyn, a leading Balder. “This is tantamount to a comb-over of the truth.”
But if in fact Mr. Trump’s distinctive mane turns out to be of foreign origin, such a revelation need not be fatal to his presidential hopes, says Professor Davis Logsdon, who has studied the history of presidential hair at the University of Minnesota.
“Remember, several of our greatest early presidents, like George Washington and Thomas Jefferson, had hair that originated elsewhere,” Mr. Logsdon says. “The only thing that could kill Trump politically is if his hair turns out to be from France.”
At a GOP event in Iowa, Mr. Trump made no reference to the Balders controversy, and instead sounded an upbeat theme: “If I am given the chance to do the same magic I did for NBC, America will be the number four country in the world.”
In a piece of good news for Mr. Trump, a new poll showed a majority of likely voters agreeing with the statement, “Donald Trump being sworn in as President would be a great last scene in a Planet of the Apes remake.”
Monday, April 25, 2011
From The Borowitz Report.
Ever wondered what famous people studied in college? Neither have I, but here's a list anyway.
Oprah Winfrey - Speech/Drama
Matthew McConaughey - Pre-Law
Edward Norton - History
Jake Gyllenhaal - Eastern Religion/Philosophy
Jennifer Garner - Chemistry
Natalie Portman - Psychology
Conan O'Brien - U.S. History
Kevin Costner - Business
Brad Pitt - Journalism
Ashley Judd - French
Reese Witherspoon - English Literature
Ashton Kutcher - Biochemical Engineering
Eva Longoria Parker - Kinesiology
Will Ferrell - Sports Broadcasting
Sean Penn - Auto Mechanics
Courteney Cox - Interior Design/Architecture
Maggie Gyllenhaal - Literature/Eastern Religion
Forest Whitaker - Opera
Matt Damon - English
Kate Beckinsale - French/Russian Literature
Ray Romano - Accounting
Halle Berry - Broadcast Journalism
Chuck Liddell - Accounting
Clay Aiken - Special Education
Sandra Day O'Connor - Economics
Art Garfunkel - Mathematics
Jon Hamm - English
Lisa Kudrow - Biology
Mary Kate Olsen – Cuisine
Gwyneth Paltrow - Art History
Tommy Lee Jones - English
Denzel Washington - Journalism
Robin Williams - Sociology
Brooke Shields - French Lit
Steve Martin - Philosophy
Jerry Bruckheimer - psychology
Jon Stewart - psychology
John Legend - English
Vera Wang - theater
How about you? What's your major?