What Your Favorite Classic Rock Band Says About You
By John Peck
The Doors: You have been bitten by an animal while trying to get it stoned.
The Who: You own a Goldwing with a baby-changing station.
Ted Nugent: Your hair has at some point been caught in a ceiling fan, boat propeller, or lathe.
The Rolling Stones: You own three cars and no stereo.
Canned Heat: You own three stereos and no car.
Cream: You know a guy who knows a guy who worked on Star Wars.
Journey: You own those running shoes that are shaped like feet.
Lynyrd Skynyrd: You somehow have both long hair and a sunburned scalp.
Yes: Your ideal partner would be into both tantric sex and fat guys.
The Beatles: You can do exactly 1.5 pull-ups.
Badfinger: You are a Beatle.
Deep Purple: Some part of a law named after a young girl applies to you.
Led Zeppelin: The first three things you smoked were banana peels, catnip, and poppies, in that order.
Jimi Hendrix: You are under 20 or over 65.
The Kinks: You have bad teeth and are good in bed.
The Guess Who: You have good teeth and are bad in bed.
Black Sabbath: Your greatest joy is painting unventilated rooms.
David Bowie: There is still, somewhere, a Dig Dug or Zaxxon machine with your high score on it.
Mott the Hoople: You are David Bowie.
The Grateful Dead: Your stories about the seventies make your daughter's roommates at Tufts very uncomfortable.
T-Rex: No matter how much you clean, there will always be trace amounts of glitter on your stove and blender.
The Eagles: You can only reach orgasm while listening to talk radio.
The Moody Blues: You are a former volunteer at the Liberace museum, a serial killer, or both.
Pink Floyd: Your garage is full of failed versions of your stereo/barbecue hybrid.
ZZ Top: Your favorite Hank Williams is Hank Williams, Jr.
Chicago: You are incapable of talking about Chicago without mentioning their horn section.
Quicksilver Messenger Service: You become sullen when people don't stick around while you fix their vacuum cleaners.
Crosby, Stills & Nash: You own an oversized hat.
Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young: You own three or more oversized hats.
Jefferson Airplane: You make your living buying and selling oversized hats.
Thin Lizzy: You are often forced to change or cancel your plans due to "NO LOITERING" signs.
AC/DC: You only remove your socks to shower, and then only reluctantly.
Aerosmith: You know a store that still sells puffy Reeboks.
Van Halen: You have a Peeing Calvin bumper sticker on your Jeep.
Sammy Hagar: You have a Peeing Calvin bumper sticker on your Subaru Brat.
Bachman-Turner Overdrive: You have an actual urine stain on your Subaru Brat.
Uriah Heep: You are the cause of the urine stain.
Santana: You have had an hours-long conversation with someone before realizing it was just a pile of clothes.
Rainbow: You have worn sweatpants to a funeral.
Foreigner: You have a severely wrinkled Jane Fonda poster under your bed.
Styx: You have a severely wrinkled Foreigner poster under your bed.
Allman Brothers Band: You do not own a bong, but can quickly make one from a piece of fruit or an abandoned toilet.
Bad Company: You have sustained several alcohol-related injuries involving sheetrock.Creedence Clearwater Revival: You are frequently missing part of an eyebrow.
Rush: You carry a small flashlight everywhere, and use it at least three times a day.
Blue Cheer: You have a subset of friends whose sole purpose is to hold your hair while you vomit.
Boston: Your best friend really likes Blue Cheer.
Jethro Tull: You have a favorite rune.
Steely Dan: You have snorted cocaine off a copy of Remembrance of Things Past.
Fleetwood Mac: You have snorted cocaine off a copy of The Hobbit.
Blue Oyster Cult: You have snorted cocaine off a copy of Type 2 Diabetes for Dummies.
Mountain: You have snorted cocaine off a Blue Oyster Cult record.
Nazareth: You have snorted cocaine off a member of Mountain.
Hawkwind: You sell cocaine to Nazareth fans.
Molly Hatchet: You sell baking soda to Hawkwind fans and tell them it's cocaine.