Thursday, April 14, 2011

Sleeptalker Of The Day

(I totally forgot about this dude. I need to do an update. But first--the rerun.)

He sleeps. He talks. He says crazy stuff, and his wife writes it down on the website, Sleep Talkin' Man.

She says: "My mild-mannered English husband Adam lives quite a colorful existence in his dreams. Having benefited from hours of delight at his dead-of-night musings, I thought it only fair to share them with the world."

Link from Rosie. Thanks, Rosie. You're all right.

Some of Adam's musings:

"Cuff him! Arrest him! I don't care, that manatee is going down!"

"Green bananas. I've got lots and lots of green bananas. Really I've got lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of fucking bananas. Please somebody get rid of my green bananas!"

"Don't worry. I'll find it. That's what I do, find things. I find you annoying. See?"

"The grass on the other side of the fence: Burn it! It's not nice."

"You know, it's not easy being me. You should try it. I bet that after just five minutes, you'll then have an incredible healthy respect for how amazing I am."

"Ah, glass. My nemesis. One day, I shall beat you."

"Toilet showers! Convenient AND refreshing. Nice."

"I made snot pictures. I sneeze in my gallery, all day. Lots of different colours. Making bogey money."

"You've got to save the curtains! Save the curtains... They hold so many secrets."

"Windy in my hair. Don't bend over, you'll whistle."

"I want an elephant race, with hurdles and everything... Watch them jump over ditches. And we can stick little dogs on top as jockeys. Doggie jockeys."

"Of course blue dogs are more expensive. Pink dogs are shite."

"Good morning. I just wanted to be the first person to call you a twat. Enjoy your day."

"Cheese and pineapple on a toothpick... Why?!"

"Stand further away. You can't possibly appreciate my greatness this close up."

"You think cooking pasta is cooking? It's just boiling water, Numb Nuts!"

"They're guinea pig kisses. Weeweeweeweeweeweeweewee in my ear! Eat the fuckers. They're tastier that way."

"If you weren't such a fucking prick, you'd be a decent person."

"Just hold that thought for a seriously long, rectum-pinchingly time."

"Why don't you stand in fuck-up corner. You can stay there 'til, I don't know, I-don't-give-a-shit-about-you 'o clock."

"Hmmm, feathers in your armpits. Tickle yourself stupid."

"Awesomeness now has a name. Let me introduce myself."

"Really? If you can pee that high, DEFINITELY join the fire brigade. Yah."

"She's knitting me a jumper. Fuck! I don't want to be a social outcast. Oh, not good."

See more at Sleep Talkin' Man.

Totally Bizarre Interview Clip Of The Day

Orson Welles makes Jim Henson and Frank Oz (who is a dead ringer for David Cross) a little fidgety. WTF is up those clips?

Celebs Who Turned Down "Dancing With The Stars" Of The Day

Turns out some of them have a little dignity after all.

Kinda reminds me of the time I worked in cable TV and we wanted to license the song, "Burning Down The House," (the Tom Jones remake) as the theme for a crappy new reality series. When you license a cover, you have to get permission from (and pay big bucks to) both the cover artist and the original song composers. It took the lawyers a while to get in touch with Tom Jones, but when they did, he said sure, great, I'll take your 30K, old boy. We weren't quite so lucky with the Talking Heads--their answer was something to the effect of "Go fuck yourselves."

When he heard this, my witty friend Spinderfella said, "Damn those Talking Heads! How
dare they have artistic integrity?!"

Here are the people who politely told DWTS to shove it, and why they did (when known).

Jamie Lee Curtis - “My family commitments are such that I wouldn't have the time for it...but it definitely made me go, 'Hmmm.' It was fun to think about it."

Sylvester Stallone

Tim Allen

Chelsea Handler

Jennifer Beals - “You could back up a truck to my door filled with cash and I wouldn’t do it.” Having once attended a taping of the show to cheer on friend and former contestant Marlee Matlin, Beals was overwhelmed by the experience. “The noise level is so intense and people’s excitement level is so intense. I could never.” She even joked with Matlin, who is deaf, “You don’t know how lucky you are you can’t hear this.”

Betty White - probably doesn't want to fall and break her hip

Gayle King - despite being a fixture on the Oprah Winfrey Show, the 56-year-old O magazine editor-in-chief doesn’t mince words when it comes to her appearing on national television in her dancing shoes. “I think it's good to keep my public humiliation to a minimum. I would never want to embarrass my children ever...or myself! I can't dance.”

Subway pitchman Jared Fogel

Drew Carey

Kathy Griffin - she claimed to have fired her agent over the mere suggestion

Ann Coulter

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg

Jon Gosselin

Dan Quayle - the former VP was in final negotiations when he got cold feet and dropped out.

Suzanne Somers

Condoleezza Rice

Erin Brockovich

Joel McHale

Virgin CEO Richard Branson

Stone Cold Steve Austin
- the wrestler said he wasn't interested because he has "two left feet" and his rhythm is "so-so at best."

Reverend Al Sharpton - has been wooed by producers for many seasons, but he has never agreed to put on his dancing shoes. He says it’s not for lack of talent, though: “I’ve got moves...I’d blow ’em out! There would be no chance for anybody to touch me!”

And one star who wants to be on the show but can't get them to return her call:

"According to show's casting source, Melanie Griffith tries and fails to appear on 'DWTS' every year." (CBS News)

Music Video Of The Day: Photoshop Your Memories

From Rhett and Link, for Lefty.

- Frank


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