Friday, January 21, 2011
From Popcrunch, who are much pickier than I am. Their list, their (not great) copy.
BOLT-ONS (aka Frankentits)
Nothing could be more terrifying than a hideous pair of bolt-ons suddenly appearing in your face as you’re minding your own business at the local 80′s night — except maybe seeing them at an awards show. One thing’s for certain here; while it’s true that money can buy just about anything these days, including fake breasts, Victoria Beckham has proven that it can’t buy common sense.
SAGGERS (aka Babyfeeders)
Saggers are often cited as being every girl’s secret fear, which in the end is often realized due to the natural process of aging. In certain cases, saggers make their debut at an early age — and usually on women who don’t seem to realize the fact. Saggers don’t necessarily have to be large to earn the moniker, and be sure not to mistake a pair of saggers for pancakes. The problem with saggers is that they simply don’t make an effort to stay where you put them, and they certainly don’t belong in public spaces without a good bra.
Not to be confused with saggers, the pancakes tend to be most evident on girls who are often told to eat something before they die of malnutrition. Pancake boobies are like fossils or ancient ruins — they’re evidence that there was once cleavage where there are now only sad, flappy, forgotten bags of nothingness.
PERPETUAL NIPS (aka Turkey's Done!)
Some people like to think that a good bra can cover anything, but with a pair of glass-cutters like these things mounted up front and center, it’s difficult to imagine just keeping a wardrobe without holes worn through every piece. The perpetual nipples aren’t just unsightly and embarrassing though — they’re potentially dangerous, too. It only takes one of them to put an eye out in the wrong situation.
We like to call these widow makers because of their obvious potential to suffocate would-be victims of a smothering hug-attack by the wearers. We say would-be because the odds of a girl sporting these monsters of modern medicine ever snagging a man are worse than winning the lottery.
ANIME SPECIALS (aka Montags)
Prepubescent boys will ogle and lust after the anime special, but once they grow old enough to realize what things like “poor taste” and “sad pathetic attempts to feel more beautiful” are, they learn that there is such a thing as being proportional. Women who have this done to themselves are generally on the lower end of the porn-industry’s totem pole, but there are some pretty notable exceptions.
BIEBERS (aka Fried Eggs)
Calling girls who are flatter than boards Justin Biebers may seem a bit mean, but let’s face it, Justin Bieber deserves it. These women spend their entire lives self-conscious of their chestlessness in the starry-eyed belief that someday they may actually grow breasts. Sadly for them (and us) that doesn’t usually happen without surgical intervention, but every so often, one of them grows up to become a Hollywood starlet.
UNIBOOB (aka Boobs To Go/All Sales Final)
Alongside the dreaded bolt-ons, the uniboob is quite possibly one of the most frightening and emotionally disconcerting sights to which anyone can be exposed, period. Uniboobs are a genetic oddity, much unlike the more ubiquitous unibrow. While it’s possibly for a girl to be born with these things, it’s much more likely that when you see it, you’re seeing the erred judgment of a girl who couldn’t afford a good plastic surgeon.
MIGRATORS (aka Sternum Squatters)
Migrators may start out in a fairly standard placement in the morning, but they tend to go wherever they please as the day goes on. Women with migrators are usually the type to shun their bras, and even worse, think they have extremely desirable cleavage and try their best to show it off to as many souls as possible. Some people may also refer to these wandering nomads as “drifters.”
(See the rest at Popcrunch)
Someone put the mall security camera footage on YouTube so that the people of the internet could laugh at her misfortune... and now she wants to sue the mall.
Be honest, Cathy. You were watching Justin Bieber videos on your phone again, weren't you?
The actual ABC News interview has embedding turned off, but this is CBS News Online's somewhat less serious take on ABC's footage.