Thursday, September 8, 2011

8 People You Meet During Freshman Orientation

From College Humor.

Not included: the girl or guy you end up in bed with that nightafter your group goes out drinking, and you spend the next four years avoiding her/him.


You know this school you worked so hard to get into? It was this girl’s safety school. And she’s pissed to be here. In fact, she’s still wearing her Princeton sweatshirt she bought in March just so you know that she knows that she’s better than you. That’s how sure she was that she was going to get in. She will try and transfer as soon as possible, and god help her if she has to stay in this sh*thole longer than a semester.


Unless you are going to college in one of the former Yugoslav republics, there will be at least one assh*le from your high school who has never talked to you. Now that he is out of his natural environment of your hometown where he is friends with other douchebags, he will cling to you and pretend you have always been good friends. He will drop you as soon as someone that isn’t you talks to him.


She’s in college, and she’s ready to be valedictorian. You’ll notice that she’s armed with a notebook and several types of gel pens and seems to be taking notes as if there will be an orientation exam. This becomes more apparent when she raises her hand and asks the orientation leader if there will be an exam. In four years, she’ll be the one in tears when she only gets magna cum-laude.


This guy is swaying a little bit, because even though last night was his first night in town, he got really drunk at his brother’s frat. He’s already nicknamed Rooster- and the dicks that the frat brothers drew dicks on his face are still half-visible. For the next two years, this kid will have built in friends and crazy parties but then will become a detached loser once they all graduate.


This girl has decided to live out the next four years in baggy sweatpants and sweatshirts shamelessly emblazoned with your school’s logo. She has not only the football and basketball schedules memorized, but also the fencing, women’s rugby, and shuffleboard ones as well. The foreign kid’s parents would be shocked that not only do people wear this to universities, but that people wear this kind of clothing in any social situation.

Full list here.


  1. It's been a few years since I was a freshman in college, but this list seems about right to me. I was probably one of the ones taking notes during orientation. ha! Although I didn't care about the honors at graduation time. I was just glad to get the diploma and be done with it. :-)

  2. Didn't go to college, but when I was 19-22 my neighbors did*, and I think I met all these people.

    I thought of one the list didn't, the "Epic Pothead".

    Mine was named Evan, he wore almost nothing but tie-dye, always smelled like weed, and had the memory of a two year old.

    One time I found him asleep on my kitchen floor after a party in front of the microwave and in his words, "Dude, this Hot Pocket is taking like forever."

    It was taking forever because he'd neglected to take the Hot Pocket out of the box, put it in the microwave, and turn it on.

    He'd literally fallen asleep watching an empty microwave for nearly two hours.

    *Lived in a "college town" at an apartment near campus.

  3. I was in a school of nerds, so the only ones I found were the note takers and the jaded geniuses who weren't granted scholarships at US colleges.



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