Thursday, September 22, 2011

21 Celebrities Who Need To Change Their Names (Of The Day)

Everybody's gotta be different now, is that it? Diversity is fine, but give me something I can pronounce. John Wayne. Tony Curtis. Cary Grant. Those were star names. Not this shit.

Nestor Carbonell
The guy who played Richard Alpert on "Lost" has a name that sounds like a sketchy pasta dish. “Our special tonight is Nestor Carbonell -- spinach linguine with caper sauce, topped with long-eared Christmas donkey medallions.”

Sean Bean
Spoken, it’s fine, but it reads as “Seen Bean,” someone Dr. Seuss might’ve written about.

Have you seen Bean?
Who do you mean?

I mean Sean, you fiend,
That's the Bean I mean!

Chiwetel Ejiofor
Chi-wah Who-wha? Can someone Chiwe-tell me how to pronounce this fucked-up name? (Whatever you call him, he played Huey Lucas in American Gangster, where he and The News sang, “I Want A New Drug.”)

America Ferrara
Whenever I encounter assonance in celebrity names, I just want to combine them: “Americarrara.”

Sandra Oh
The sound of disappointment.

“Who’s in this movie?”
“That beast from Grey’s Anatomy.”
“Oh. What else is on?”

M. Night Shyamalan
Shyamalan is fine -- it gives us all a reason to call him “Shama-lama-ding-dong.” But he's gotta lose that unnecessary M. John C. Reilly needs his C because there’s another John Reilly in SAG. Somehow I doubt there’s another Night Shyamalan, and if there was, he surely changed his name after
The Happening.

Kellie Pickler
Don't mind if I do!

Zeljko Ivanek
Great actor (24, Damages, House, Oz), crappy name. Under “Alternate Names,” lists “’Z with a caron Zeljko Ivanek’, ‘Z-with-inverted-circumflex-eljko Ivanek’, ‘Željko Ivanek’ and ‘Z’, proving that even they don’t what the hell to do with that name. Why don't you trade in a k or two for some vowels, chief?

Adam Carolla
I drove a Corolla once. It sucked. I suggest Adam Camry or Adam 4Runner, both far superior makes of Toyota.

William Hung
I hope so, 'cause the motherfucker sure can’t sing.

Andy Dick
Actually, this one is perfect.

Rupert Grint and Ioan Gruffudd
Weren’t those the villains in Great Expectations?

Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje
Whenever you say his name, a genie appears.

Miley Cyrus

Jeff Probst
A name that sounds like a cross between two things that frighten me: probe and Pabst.

Skeet Ulrich
Skeet? Were Spunk and Jizz already taken?

Tyra Banks
“Tyra” sounds a lot like “tiring.” Coincidence?

Stockard Channing
Stockyard? No one should have a name that reminds people of pig shit.

Billy Crudup
Shut the crud up, Billy. Yeah, I know, it’s pronounced “KROOD-up.” Like that's any better.

Shia LeBoeuf
Shy in the buff? Why? Coming up a little short?

Wilmer Valderrama


  1. I remember when they used to display movies in Wilmerama. That was the golden age of film.

  2. Zeljko Ivanek? That's his name? That guy? HUH.

    And Nestor Carbonell... all I think of when I hear his name is "eyeliner." Dude. WTF.

    This article combined with the "F*ck all y'all!" in the mugshot today made me belly laugh at my desk. Thanks for that.

  3. Here's another one for you: From Alphas, Mahershalalhashbaz Ali. If you check his Wiki article, he *did* change his name for showbiz. Whaaaa??? He was born Mahershalalhashbaz Gilmore. D'oh!

  4. Whenever I see or hear Kelly Pickler I think of her appearence on are you smarter than a 5th grader. She ISN'T! She isn't even smarter than your average whippit. You had to see her to believe it but it led to a great Jeff Foxworthy truism.

    "Kelly, waiting for you to come up with an answer is like being in line at the supermarket behind an old lady with coupons."

    Prairie Girl.

  5. The combined names make me laugh--Americarrara and Myrus, but I think my favorite here is "Sandra Oh The sound of disappointment." hahaha! :D

  6. My orthopedic docs name is Dr. Hung.. I try not to snicker like a 10 year old then I remember he jams a big needle in my knee.



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