Monday, August 1, 2011

Paraprosdokians Of The Day

Huh? Read on. From PeggyGator.

From Wikipedia:

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis.

He is a modest man who has much to be modest about.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

She looks as though she's been poured into her clothes and forgot to say 'when'.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk a work station.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies--not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but still checks when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.


  1. The late Mitch Hedberg was great at creating these kinds of jokes, and the last one made me think of one of his- "I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."

    (Not so funny when you think about how his drug habits probably lead to his early demise, but taken alone, that is a funny joke...)

  2. "I haven't slept for ten days. That would be too long." - Mitch Hedberg (now Deadberg)

  3. These are great! So clever. There are quite a few here that I really like.

    "Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever."

    That one appeals to me especially today. Perhaps because Walter, the homeless guy who sometimes talks to himself, was in front of the library this afternoon. :-)

    Wordplay like this makes me smile.

  4. I like the Slinky one. Anything about people tumbling stairs makes me smile.

    And, speaking of Mitch Hedberg, I just recently found this.

  5. I got a couple:

    "If you have someone else do it, you can’t be sure if they did a bad job. If you do it yourself, you know."

    On those air cushions that pad the boxes of shipments from ThinkGeek, it says: "This bag is green because it's recyclable and biodegradable, not because it's made of people."

  6. Of all the people I've ever met, you could be one of them.



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