Thursday, August 25, 2011

8 Types Of People Who Forward E-Mails

Some from Maxim.com, some are mine.

E-mail forwards are the herpes of the internet world. And just like in your everyday life, it's important to pin point who has herpes, so that you can avoid them. In an effort to help you do that, we've put together a list of the worst kinds of e-mail forward offenders.

Mr. Over-The-Top Gross Porno Sender



We all have an internet porn comfort zone. On average it encompasses everything from just regular boobies to a girl gagging on a heavy-duty wiener while getting rear-ended by another dude. Anything past that just isn't wholesome to most people. This person, however, has no porn conscience, so he has no problems occasionally e-mailing you disturbing videos hidden under harmless titles. It's best to just block his e-mails entirely, because curiosity didn't just kill the cat, it arrested the pedophile. Usually the porn starts out fairly normal, then quickly gets bizarre, causing this thought process as you watch it; "OK.....OK...Nice ... Nice. ... Ah Yeah .... this is hot! Eat those pastries, eat tho- NO! OH GOD NO. WHAT THE? DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!."

Mrs. LOL 2 FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!



I think whoever invented the exclamation point, Horatio Exclamationpoint or whoever, if they saw how it was being used now, they'd drive the first sharp object they could find through their chest. This person though, is not just excited to forward you a paragraph-and-a-half joke with a punch line you see coming from the first sentence, they're 12 exclamation points excited. Usually this e-mail is forwarded to about 47 other people, so at least take solace in the fact that 46 other people think this person is retarded.

Mr. Conspiracy Theorist



This guy scours the internet looking for the truth. Not the "logical and fact-based truth," but the REAL truth. Somehow, the CIA just up and forgets to conceal documents and then these documents are available on websites, which this person then sends to you with the subject line "WAKE UP BRO." Inside the e-mail he says things like "You actually think AIDS is real? The CIA created AIDS in a lab and shipped it to Africa to try and stop us from losing long distance running events in the Olympics." Then when you respond with "Yeah, but the website link you sent me also had footage of Bigfoot working at the Olive Garden," they come back with "Well, that article is fake, but the rest of them are real."

Mrs. "Hey Check Out This Evite!"



The act of sending an E-vite is both an invitation and a test. For girls, it's a test of friendship. For guys, it's a test of your manhood, and if you have ever sent an E-vite, then you failed that test. E-vites often cost you time and stress when trying to decide whether to attend. Luckily, E-vites come with a built in solution: The "Maybe" button. Stop trying to make a decision and use this every time. The other thing you should know about E-vite is that every time you view the invitation, the host knows it. Meaning they know you opened it and didn't respond about coming to their baby shower.

The Inspirational Poem From Your Mom



For most people, the internet was created for porno, a forum to misspell words, and to a lesser extent, information. But to your mom, the internet was created so that even when you're not around, she can let you know that you're incredibly special to her and that the sky is the limit through the sending of a shitty poem. Here's the thing: the sky is not the limit, and you realize that while you're sitting in a cubicle trying to figure out why you don't have the right version of Excel to open that TPS report you've been stuck doing for the last goddamn week. So, as you're dealing with this, when you receive a poem about a cat that ended up forging a relationship with a dog, it makes you want to throw your computer at a cat and kill it.

"Politics Is My Life" Guy



You know the type. They're like perverts, but instead of sex, everything leads back to politics. "Wanna go see
The Hangover tonight? No thanks, that movie glamorizes the victimization of the lower classes by organized gambling," they write. "How about dinner then? No can do -- I'm on a hunger strike against higher taxes." "Ball game? Sorry, I'll be at a tea party." Every e-mail they send and every Facebook and Twitter post they make is about one thing only: Mother. Fucking. Politics. Except when they write to ask if you happen to know how to make a pipe bomb.

Mrs. "IMPORTANT!! PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!"



NEXT MONTH ALL CELL PHONE NUMBERS WILL BE MADE PUBLIC AND YOU WILL BE INUNDATED WITH SALES CALLS!!! WRITE CONGRESS NOW TO PROTEST THIS NEW LAW!! FORWARD THIS E-MAIL AND MAKE MONEY... BILL GATES WILL GIVE U A DOLLAR FOR EVERY FORWARD... MY FRIEND SENT ME THIS SECRET RECIPE FOR MRS. FIELD'S COOKIES.. etc etc. She falls for 'em all. "This is not a hoax! It was on Jay Leno!!"

Mr. Welcome To The Web (a.k.a. Al)



"You gotta see this! Hilarious!" his e-mail subject proclaims, and in the body he writes, "Seen this yet? Funniest thing ever!" Then you open the attached video and it's the Star Wars kid or the Numa-Numa guy or a clip from
Birth Of A Nation. My buddy TheMovieGuru and I have a name for this kind of e-mail: we call it "Al," as in Gore, the guy who invented the internet, as in, "This vid/link/photo/etc. is so ancient, it's one of the first things Al Gore put on the internet after he invented it." I'll send him something I think is new and he'll reply, "Thanks, Al." Then he'll send me something even older and I'll reply, "Thanks, Al's great-great-grandfather."

Who are we missing?

12 comments:

  1. I'LL HAVE TO FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE I KNOW!!!

    I found I can get off some people's lists by replying with a Snopes lists. One (former) friend was sending shit all the time to me and other disclosed recipients. I hit 'reply all' and responded with 'unsubscribe'. I haven't heard as much from him since.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Although this person is probably a close relative to, or a hybrid of the Inspirational poem and IMPORTANT: Pass this on emailers, I still am not totally free of the "I don't actually believe these chain mail forward magic miracle makers work, but it doesn't hurt to send it forward anyway," people. Its always women and it's always about meeting the person of their dreams, tragically, the number one person who sends me this shit is a married woman. Who does she want to meet? Facebook should have provided an outlet for these mutants, but they persist.

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  3. Well, I'm pretty sure that Bigfoot really DOES work at the Olive Garden...

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  4. My mom sends me what I call 'Jesus emails'. Why? Because everyone else in my family except me goes to church and for some reason my mom is convinced that one well-timed email will turn me around. I'm convinced that eventually my body will rebel and grow horns...

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  5. I invented post-itsAugust 25, 2011 at 6:53 PM

    I do not understand why people continue to perpetuate the story that Al Gore said he invented the internet. That is not what he said. On the other hand, if people are informed enough to understand this, then yes, the joke about Al Gore inventing the internet is funny (only if the people hearing/reading the joke understand why it is funny, if not it is just sad.

    Someone said to me recently how stupid Al Gore was because he misspelled potato. That was the sentence after he said that Al Gore claimed to invent the internet. I just shook my head and hoped he wasn't a registered voter. No one that uninformed should be voting for any party. *sigh*

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  6. How can you forget the chain emailer. Email this to 4000 other people or you will get leprosy.

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  7. My mother is one "Best Maxine funnies/Martha Stewart Kitchen Tips/It-must-be-true-cause-I-saw-it-on-Fox-News" forward away from being blocked. I know she brought me into this world but I may have to take her out. If I get in front of the right judge, I know I'd walk.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I virtually never get any of these interesting emails. There was a time when I would get the odd 'inspirational' one from a old, old friend, but that petered out. (If you ever do a 'nice words that actually turn the stomach' list, Cary, add 'inspirational' for me, please.)

    And the odd cute animal picture portfolio from my niece, subject line complete with the word 'cuuuuuute' and greater than or equal to 18 exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Her email moniker was a combo of her name and 'ROX', natch. (Do forwarders of cute animal pictures qualify as a category?)

    Other than that, not much. The program from Wauchope Arts from the girlfriend, a ppt of the world's largest cave system in Vietnam from a friend etc. (The cave system is vast, enough space for a karst of thousands.)

    I need to get on some dodgy lists as I want to be annoyed. I mean, I like moral outrage and/or sorrow at the cupidity and stupidity of humanity as much as the next punter. How does one do that? Especially some sanctimonious religious ones, norby.

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  9. I get these all the time from an unmarried friend that remains unmarried because she reeks of desperation and the fumes get through the internet. She hasn't only flooded hundreds of e-mail accounts, but also hasn't seen a Facebook post she hasn't liked and reposted. At this point, if I send her an e-mail saying that I drank goat's blood in a black mass and met the demon of my dreams, she'd forward it without even reading the particulars.

    ReplyDelete
  10. You forgot the people that can only post about God had how much the lord loves them. Getting tired of people yapping about praise God for their shitty lives and how God will help them overcome. For all you FBers, stop posting bible verse and telling me to accept jesus.

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  11. I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm praying pretty hard for Anon!

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  12. "Back off, he's mine!" - Lucifer

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