Tuesday, August 9, 2011

7 Signs You've Given Up On Getting Laid

Not included: spending all your time on a blog and whining about how you never get laid. List from The Smoking Jacket.


Shoes that stay on with a couple strips of Velcro are highly recommended—for the elderly, the retarded or the shitfaced. If you’re none of those three, learn how to deal with a fucking pair of shoelaces. Or a shoehorn, at least. And if your wallet closes with a strip of Velcro, just end it already. What are you, 12? A grown man’s wallet has no hooks or loops, and it’s made of something called leather. Look into it.


If you have missing teeth, rotting teeth, fizzing teeth, teeth that are no longer teeth but disgusting black nubs, make it your number one priority to get to a dentist and have that shit taken care of. You don’t have to go to Elliott Yamin extremes, but the second you stop caring about the condition of your chiclets, you might as well forget about being within arm’s length of a naked woman ever again.


If you’re gonna commit to owning a vehicle, you must also commit all available monies (and available credit if necessary) to making sure it has a functioning muffler, is free of demolition-derby-size dents, has matching wheels and/or hubcaps, etc. And unless you’re on a stakeout, toss the fast food wrappers, coffee cups and used condoms into the proper receptacles pronto.

See more at The Smoking Jacket (link NSFW-ish).


  1. When you pawn your penis, you're done.

  2. Two I disagree with from the list.

    1.) Faulty Brain-to-Mouth Filter - Honestly this has actually gotten me laid twice. Once when I was younger and thought I knew more about women than I really did. ( I assumed since women liked honesty they'd really appreciate what I now know to be a suicidally stupid level of honesty.)

    And the second time I credit/blame to a buddy slipping me what basically amounted to straight Everclear at a party.

    2.)Elastic Waistbands - Screw what everyone else thinks. On the weekends/after work I want to be comfy. If that means no woman wants to touch "Cam Jr.", so be it.



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