From the blog of the same name.
CHRONIC MENU MODIFIER
A great menu item is like a Leslie Nielsen movie – you’d never think to put the ingredients together, but somehow it all works and your chances of having explosive diarrhea are about 50/50. So, when some pussy-ass diner shows up with a laundry list of substitutions, our inner Emeril gets pissed like Jerry Seinfeld getting sold into sexual slavery and being forced to fingerbang Gaga.
You heard us Extreme Menu Modifier. There’s a reason the carne asada comes with salsa fresca, and it has a lot to do with thousands of years of late-night, peyote-induced experimentation in a taqueria south of the border. Replacing the beef with cucumbers and the tortilla with phyllo dough is enough to give Chastity Bono an identity crisis. Again.
Next time the waitress asks if you’re ready, think twice about ordering the pepperoni pizza without cheese, bread or meat, because you’re one more substitution away from getting served the rat poison special with a side of rust cleaner and a glass of O+ on the house.
APARTMENT BUILDING STINKER-UPPER
Case in point, Apartment Building Stinker Upper, the half-cat piss, half-moldy sock witchdoctor who mixes a caldron of exotic spices, Swanson’s Deep Dish Durian Pasta Bowl and soiled baby diapers down the hall every night in 7B.
What exactly this gasser is concocting no one knows, but one thing is for sure: the paint is peeling and it sure isn’t because its’s special Pakistani peeling paint. Even if ABS were to crack a window (which he hasn’t – padded cell? air phobia? escape route for the wild opossum about to be blanched?), this is one stench that cannot be slayed. We’re talking odors strong enough to permeate walls and turn people inside out.
Walking into your 14-floor walk-up after a hard day’s night at the box factory and having your nostrils violated like a piñata at a little league baseball cookout is enough to make you Owen Wilson your own nose.
We understand people need to eat and that shit requires cooking, but honestly Apartment Building Stinker Upper, if you deep fry one more musk ox without a fan we’re going to sauté your smell receptors with a side of stroganoff.
See more at People Who Deserve It.