Thursday, July 21, 2011

People Who Deserve It (Of The Day)

From the blog of the same name.


A great menu item is like a Leslie Nielsen movie – you’d never think to put the ingredients together, but somehow it all works and your chances of having explosive diarrhea are about 50/50. So, when some pussy-ass diner shows up with a laundry list of substitutions, our inner Emeril gets pissed like Jerry Seinfeld getting sold into sexual slavery and being forced to fingerbang Gaga.

You heard us Extreme Menu Modifier. There’s a reason the carne asada comes with salsa fresca, and it has a lot to do with thousands of years of late-night, peyote-induced experimentation in a taqueria south of the border. Replacing the beef with cucumbers and the tortilla with phyllo dough is enough to give Chastity Bono an identity crisis. Again.

Next time the waitress asks if you’re ready, think twice about ordering the pepperoni pizza without cheese, bread or meat, because you’re one more substitution away from getting served the rat poison special with a side of rust cleaner and a glass of O+ on the house.


Case in point, Apartment Building Stinker Upper, the half-cat piss, half-moldy sock witchdoctor who mixes a caldron of exotic spices, Swanson’s Deep Dish Durian Pasta Bowl and soiled baby diapers down the hall every night in 7B.

What exactly this gasser is concocting no one knows, but one thing is for sure: the paint is peeling and it sure isn’t because its’s special Pakistani peeling paint. Even if ABS were to crack a window (which he hasn’t – padded cell? air phobia? escape route for the wild opossum about to be blanched?), this is one stench that cannot be slayed. We’re talking odors strong enough to permeate walls and turn people inside out.

Walking into your 14-floor walk-up after a hard day’s night at the box factory and having your nostrils violated like a piñata at a little league baseball cookout is enough to make you Owen Wilson your own nose.

We understand people need to eat and that shit requires cooking, but honestly Apartment Building Stinker Upper, if you deep fry one more musk ox without a fan we’re going to sauté your smell receptors with a side of stroganoff.

See more at People Who Deserve It.


  1. "A pepperoni pizza without cheese, bread or meat"
    HA! That sounds like an empty pizza pan. They must be on a diet! :-D

  2. Paul Simon as Scarface on the sidebar today ---hahaha! :-)

  3. Daisy, here in LA I often see some variation of a cheese-free, gluten-free pizza on some kind of silly cracker type thing. And yes, it is as stupid and ridiculous as it sounds. I don't see the point, either.

    The good thing about LA is that you can substitute anything, get something on the side etc with no one batting an eye, the bad thing is that it encourages this kind of douchebaggery.

  4. High on my list would be People Who Listen To Their Phone Messages On Speaker In The Doctor's Office.

  5. On their website they had the guy wearing winter clothes in summer. I'd like to add the girls who wear tank tops and short skirts in the middle of winter.

  6. A couple of months ago, I went to a wedding in a small town with my college friends. One of them, who also was a complete pain in the ass for the duration of the trip, requested something out of the menu for breakfast the next morning and changed the order three times after the waiter had written it down. Her husband proceeded to completely change his order to suit hers but with a couple of differences. I was sorely tempted to follow the waiter and slip him a bill so he would spit on their orders. After their food arrived, she didn't eat it because eggs and cheese combined made her sick. Both ingredients weren't part of the original dish and were put there at her request.

  7. @Cary--Somehow I figured that would be your feelings. ;p

  8. To the people who modify stuff on the menu for any reason other than allergies, or health reasons know this; if the chef doesn't spit in/drop your food on the floor, the waitstaff just might.

    The lesson to take from this? Be nice to the people who handle your food, and order what is on the menu. Unless you enjoy bodily fluids and "floor spice" mixed in with your meal.

  9. my sister is the menu changer.. first she can't make up her mind.. then she says "whatever I pick, it will be crappy"..

    so she always ends up with the crappy meal and complains about it.

    One time she changed her order so much, I swear they brought her two pieces of Wonderbread and slice of baloney hahah

  10. People who serve food work hard for the money, aside from having to select fresh pieces of flair every week. I always try to be very nice to them. I've worked that job, and it can suck ass. A freakin' table of 15 with kids can't scrape together a freakin' tip? Bullshit.

  11. I used to work with a Chronic Menu Modifier. I tried to avoid going out to eat with him. There was another colleague who decided to "treat" everyone to his Folger's vanilla coffee, so he made a full pot of it, and stunk the place up. I asked him to move it to another coffee room (nearer his office) and he said that they had kicked him out.



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