Thursday, June 23, 2011

Ultra-Condensed Movies Of The Day

Movies stripped bare. From Movie-A-Minute.

GOOD WILL HUNTING

Matt Damon: I'm smart, but so what? Let's start fights and pick up chicks.

Robin Williams: If you push people away, they can't be close to you.

Matt Damon: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP you fixed me thank you I love you. (cries)

THE END



BATMAN AND ROBIN

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ice to meet you.

Producers: We may have created the worst movie in history.

THE END


THE SIXTH SENSE

Haley Joel Osment: I see dead people.

Bruce Willis: Try talking to them.

Haley Joel Osment: It worked.

THE END


RETURN OF THE JEDI

Darth Vader: Luke, come to the dark side.

Luke: No.

Darth Vader: Your goodness has redeemed me. Die, emperor scum.

THE END


IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE

James Stewart: I'm useless.

Henry Travers: Don't say that. The happiness of the entire universe depends on your existence.

James Stewart: Hooray!

THE END



CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND

(Airplanes are found in the desert.)

Researchers: Wow!

(UFOs appear over Richard Dreyfuss' house.)

Richard Dreyfuss: Wow!

(UFOs appear over Devil's Tower.)

All: Wow!

THE END


ERIN BROCKOVICH

Julia Roberts: I'm a jerk, but I'm brilliant. Give me a job, you fountain of scummy pain evil.

Albert Finney: Ok.

Julia Roberts: This company is poisoning water. Let's fry their ugly hides in extract of hell.

(They DO, and it is HEARTWARMING.)

THE END


THE FUGITIVE

(A train WRECKS, and it is COOL.)

Tommy Lee Jones: We must find the fugitive. Check every type of house.

(Tommy Lee Jones chases Harrison Ford but finds out he is innocent.)

Harrison Ford: I'm glad I don't have to run away anymore.

THE END


THE POSTMAN

Kevin Costner: Though I am a simple victim of circumstance, a pretender, I am also a metaphor for the rebirth of the collective American unconscious, quickened again from its own ashes.

Townsfolk: That's nice. Deliver these letters, please.

THE END


GREASE

John Travolta: I like you, but you're not cool enough.

Olivia Newton-John: What if I dress like a slut?

John Travolta: Now that you're not who you are, I can love you for who I wanted you to be.

THE END


THE HORSE WHISPERER

Kristin Scott Thomas: I'm obsessive-compulsive, my daughter broke her leg, and I don't love my husband. Robert Redford, you can save us all if only you'll fix our horse.

Robert Redford: Ok, but you're annoying.

(Robert Redford STARES at the horse, thereby making it ALL BETTER.)

Kristin Scott Thomas: I love you.

THE END


GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS

All: Expletive. The leads, the leads. These are expletive leads. Expletive expletive expletive. It's all about the expletive leads.

THE END


THE FILMS OF DAVID LYNCH

Some Woman: I do enjoy my nice, idyllic lifestyle, but I hope that underneath my seemingly perfect suburban world there is corruption and evil.

(SOME WOMAN discovers her OWN CORPSE and is ARRESTED.)

Midget: Someday that gum you like is going to come back in style.

Hit Man (laughs cryptically)

(An EYE is slit open with a RAZOR BLADE. We learn that SOMEBODY was really SOME WOMAN all along, and they were on the MOON.)

THE END


PRETTY WOMAN

Julia Roberts: I'm a hooker, but I don't kiss on the lips.

Richard Gere: I have a lot of money.

Julia Roberts: (smooch)

THE END

6 comments:

  1. HA! These certainly capture the essence. :-)

    I like the one for Grease. Although I like the music and dancing and all from that movie, it is annoying that he can't admit to loving her for who she really is.

    ReplyDelete
  2. So, The Postman really exists? I thought it was an urban legend.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Now that you put it this way... hard to watch any movie.. good one...

    ReplyDelete
  4. I always type HEARTWARMING with all caps. It is much more meaningful that way.

    I'd like to add one:

    THE ENGLISH PATIENT
    Ralph Fiennes: I'm a lying, traitorous, sack of shit but feel sorry for me because I have no face.

    Kristin Scott Thomas: I cheated on Colin Firth with Voldemort because I am a vapid bitch.

    Juliette Binoche: I am a nurse who puts an end to this tortuous movie by administering a Kevorkian to gauze boy.

    (THE END -- FINALLY! 425 hours after it began.)

    ReplyDelete
  5. chrocs said...

    So, The Postman really exists? I thought it was an urban legend.


    It is. You must gaze into a mirror in the dark and repeat three times, "pretentious vanity project".

    Oddly enough it seems to work for all Kevin Costner flicks post 1990.

    ReplyDelete
  6. HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! Spot on, RichGirlRed!!!!!

    ReplyDelete

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