Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Jobs That Will Turn You Into A Dick (Of The Day)

From Coed Magazine.


You’d think that someone whose profession revolves around making people feel better would be good at, you know, making people feel better. But if your experience has been anything like ours, getting some antibiotics usually involves being talked down to for the few minutes the doctor’s in the room and being reminded what a dumbass you are for not taking your omega-3s.


You can’t really hold it against these tenacious sons-of-bitches for calling you all the damn time. It’s not their fault you didn’t pay off your student loans. After getting your voicemail for two years, you figure they’d catch the hint, but no--they keep calling. Until one day you answer, and they guilt you into coughing up $1,200 that you don’t have, which is why you’ve been ignoring them in the first place.


When you answer to nobody but your own creative instincts, your agent and a bottle of Jack Daniels, it’s pretty hard to not become a raging sh*thead. And if you’re extremely talented and/or successful the task of remaining a pleasant human being becomes that much more difficult. Luckily, most of us don’t have to deal with full-time musicians on a regular basis, so if they want to be an asshole while they crank out rockin’ tunes, so be it.


Anybody who’s ever had to file an insurance claim knows what complete and total butt-munches insurance agents can be. If the deductible on your car is $1000, you can be sure that the estimate the agent gives you for that banged-in back door will be for something around $1,008.64, just to rub it in. And God forbid you try to get health insurance with a ‘pre-existing condition,’ because you won’t. Which is your fault, really. I mean, what kind of idiot goes out and gets sick?

(See the rest on


  1. And that's why I no longer sell insurance.....

  2. Prairie Girl said ...

    University Professor - when you've spent your entire adult life inside the hallowed halls of a university your view of your own abilities tends to be somewhat skewed. After all, knowing everything there is to know about intracellular calcium responses of cartilage cells in mice is absolutely guarenteed to make you a good people manager. Right!? Yeah, PhD defense - the test that prepares you for the real world - NOT. It never fails to amaze me how some truely intelligent people think that being smart entitles you to be an ass!

  3. YES. Spot on, PG. Profs are the worst. Computer techs belong on this list, too.

    "WHAT?! You're using a 40A2c35 SIMM card without the upgraded motherboard and less than 800MHz bus speed on a 2.5GHz processor and only 2 gigs of DDR SDRAM? Are you insane?!!!"

  4. Agreed with this list, including the professors, who live in a vacuum about how real life and a market economy work. If you're a dickhead doctor (like I was in my former life), try getting one of these cheap bastards to pay their bill! They seem to think that money grows on trees...trees planted by taxpayers, that is.

    And, I would have to add the following as well:

    1) telemarketers - 100% full-on douchebags. I seriously hate them all.

    2) 90% of salesmen. Esp. car salesmen. The more their salary relies on commission, the bigger dicks they can/will be.

    3) TSA agent. The unholy devil-spawn from post-9/11. Thanks to them, flying, which was never a joy to begin with, has now become loathsome.

    4) Anyone that comes to my door trying to peddle shit. The worst offenders are those Jehovah Witness freaks, and the kids trying to sell magazines to either "keep them out of trouble" or to fund some fancy vacation they are too young to deserve. Go away, all of you!

  5. Shit...i can't even get life insurance cause my mom killed herself...I've tried 4 different companies...

  6. And some other proffesions are chosen only by dicks.

  7. Well, I'm a professor who trains computer techs. Must be a double dick then -- even though I'm a woman. There's always something here to offend everyone! Cary, you are good for that.

  8. Cary: Politicians, trophy wives (it is a career), reality TV stars, sports agents, night club bouncers, CEOs, paparazzis...

  9. Anon--thanks! We try.

    Chrocs - yes to all, except one night club bouncer: Dalton from Road House. But he was technically a cooler, not a bouncer.



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