Monday, June 20, 2011

"F**k My Life" Stories Of The Day

Some amusing selections from F*** My Life, a blog about bad things that happen to you. Every story begins with "Today..." and ends with "F*** my life" (which they now shorten to FML).

Illustration: RMilburn@DeviantArt

Today, I found out that the electric nose hair clippers that I've been using for the past two years are in fact my father's pubic hair trimmers. FML

Today, I went to the Doctors and the nurse asked if I was married, in which I responded "yes". Then she asked if I was sexually active... "no". FML

Today, a man on the train asked me if i had any change. I quickly responded with "no habla engles". He then tapped me on the shoulder and said "That would've been a lot more believable if you weren't reading that paper." FML

Today, I was walking along the street and passed a young couple. Over my shoulder I heard the girl say to her boyfriend "Would you still love me if I looked like her?" FML

Today, while showering in my dorm, a hand reaches through the curtain and grabs my ass. I hit the person on the other side of the curtain. He opened the curtain thinking that I was his girlfriend. He apologized and he proceeded to have sex with his girlfriend in the shower stall next to me. FML

Today, I wanted to have a good lunch with my wife before fasting for my surgery which I may not survive, she decided getting her hair cut was more important. I ate alone. FML

Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick. I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there. FML

Today, while driving my kids to school, my son said, "Why don't you find another place to live, so we can just live with daddy?" Then my daughter added, "Yeah, 'cause we LOVE Daddy." FML

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room... my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

Today, I found out that I am being sued for losing a set of wedding photos that I took. I lost them by being mugged on the way home after the shoot and £10,000 worth of equipment was stolen from me. FML

Today, the girl I love and I went to visit my parents out of state for the first time. My father grinned and acknowledged that she was a "keeper," at which she laughed and said we were "just friends." I was going to propose to her next week. FML

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML

Today, my name was called during an assembly because I won some sort of prize. Everyone boo'ed. FML

Today, I had a performance evaluation meeting with my boss. He told me I was the best in my department, and that the productivity has never been higher before I started working here. Oh, and he said that because everything is working so well, they don't need me as much, so he's cutting my hours. FML

Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity filled. As she's drilling into my tooth, I feel the drill slip, and then she quickly stuffs gauze into my mouth. She nervously laughs and says to me "Wow! You must really be numb!" FML

Now let's hear yours.


  1. Last week, the air conditioning was broken in my house while temperatures were in the 90s and we were banned from drinking the tap water because it had apparently made dozens of people violently ill. All of this happened on the day my husband was returning from a 6.5 month deployment.

    (The AC was fixed in the nick of time and the water thing turned out to be a false alarm. FML avoided.)

  2. The guy who wanted to have lunch with his wife before surgery but she went to get a haircut instead? Wow, that is sad. :\

    The pot scrubbers caption on mugshot of the day made me laugh. He looks like he has some kind of malignant Cheetos growing out of his head.

  3. I used to like that website until I realized every post started with "Today" Then it drove me insane.

  4. After a long time of feeling generally down, I've started to feel from somewhat OK to good. Instead of contributing with a FML story, I will give three generic answers, choose whichever you think is the best for you:
    1. Gee, that's bad.
    2. Sucks to be you.
    3. Hope it gets better.

  5. Some of these are fun, some are obvious bullshit.

    Perhaps 50% of them can be responded to with "sorry about your penis".

  6. In January, I bought three round-trip tickets to Florida for March. As the departure date grew near, I looked up the itinerary, and saw the the actual ticket dates I had purchased were in February. Three empty round-trip tickets to Florida. No refund. FML

  7. Today*, I was backing out of my driveway when I heard a very disconcerting crunch.

    Getting out of my car I saw the remains of a very expensive briefcase that my girlfriend had bought me as a surprise. To make matters worse, inside it was my work laptop, that I had bitched at her for not being able to help me find before leaving for work. FML

    * Really more like 3 1/2 years ago.



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