Monday, June 6, 2011

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: Women's Restroom

Finally I get it. I had no idea.

best of craigslist > toronto

Women's Restroom

Date: 2007-09-07, 8:47AM EDT

Just sharing...

When you have to visit a public restroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.

You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't-so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance".

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday-the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backwards against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on
the floor, lost your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper--not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up.

You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.

You're exhausted.

You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet papet trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??)

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public restrooms. It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!


  1. That about sums it up. Although the reason I don't put my purse on the floor has nothing to do with my mother and everything to do with finding that to be disgusting.

  2. So much truth in that. Although I don't know why people get SO FREAKED OUT about sitting on a toilet seat. Unless you're rubbing your genitals directly on the seat, it shouldn't be a problem. Just rest the backs of your thighs on the leading edge and aim backwards -- no muss, no fuss. It's the squatters who piss all over the seat anyway, perpetuating the vicious cycle.

    Yes, I spent too much time thinking about it. I wrote a blog post on it awhile back.

  3. The office's women restroom has three stalls. I've heard people going to a perfectly clean toilet (gets checked every hour) and flushing twice before putting half a roll of paper to the seat and doing their business, only to come out and not wash their hands before leaving. WTF?

  4. Men do that, too. Probably more often than women. I think about that every time I shake someone's hand. I think maybe Howard Hughes was on to something.

  5. Gah....I can relate to almost everything ('cept the purse around the neck...I do set it on the floor if the floor is dry and otherwise clean). I think the worst public restrooms I've been in were in Grand Central Station - Jesus H. Christ, that was bad. Having to pee anywhere in NYC is a real challenge, unless you're a payin' customer at a restaurant.

    And, like Liz T, I'll sit. But, I always case the seat to make sure it's dry; so many stupid women come in, squat over the seat, spray piss on it, and then don't wipe it up, leaving me to do so. Clean up after yourselves, bitches!

  6. Maybe we need hole-in-the-floor toilets like they have in India. Just squat and let 'er rip. Except women can't really aim that well, so it would probably be even worse than the toilet.

  7. Yeah, I'm not buying it. I was sure in the sixth grade that women go in there strictly to have pillow fights and practice kissing, and I still believe that.[/sarcasm]

    I know how disgusting women's bathrooms can get, having spent a little time helping out at a friend of the family's restaurant.

    If I ever have kids I hope they're boys, the worst you have to deal with is the occasional floor sprinkle.

    And not a full-on jet of whiz because someone was too afraid to sit on the seat so they firehosed the floor and everything behind them.

  8. The occasional floor sprinkle? Yeah, because that's all the mess boys do (rolls eyes). I used to wonder who was hitting all three walls.

  9. OK, so it was more of a short rant, and it says pretty much exactly what I said in my comment above. Apparently I haven't changed my opinion in the past 3 years. On this topic, at least. :)

  10. woodwoman said...

    The occasional floor sprinkle? Yeah, because that's all the mess boys do (rolls eyes). I used to wonder who was hitting all three walls.

    WTF is wrong with your husband/kids? Do they just step up to the bowl and go wild, or do they have an as yet undiagnosed medical problem that somehow keeps em from peeing like a normal guy?

    I only ask because other than a few times shortly after potty-training, and that one occasion when I was so drunk I was barely lucky enough to decipher the mystery of button-fly jeans without wetting myself, I've yet to encounter that problem.

    Seriously, am I in the middle of a bunch of freaks, or is the rest of the world unable to pee without spraying down every surface?

  11. I don't know that I can say WTF is wrong with my husband/kids but it must be the same WTF is wrong with lots of little boys, at least as far as what I can remember from conversations with other moms when when they are little, and they were all "normal guys". I don't know, it's so much easier to imagine your own will be perfect I guess. Little kids have more than the occasional floor sprinkle but that hardly classifies them as freaks. Sheesh.

  12. @ woodwoman

    Okay poor word choice on my part.

    But I'm only asking because other than in sitcoms, or jokes I've yet to hear anyone in my family/circle of friends who had to deal with this problem past the point of potty training.

    The only time I've ever had to deal with it personally was the occasion I mentioned.

    But to be fair that was a public restroom situation, and in that case no one gives a damn what they do, cause they don't have to look whoever has to clean up their mess in the face, nor answer for their actions.

  13. This post is so true. I'm glad the article didn't talk about the disgusting things some women do with their used feminine hygiene products. That would be a real eye-opener for some men too. All I can say is there are some seriously nasty people out there visiting public restrooms.

  14. I've never known a little boy who didn't pee on the seat, floor, etc.

  15. When the door won't latch, I am able to hold it closed with one foot whilst sitting on the toilet. Haven't heard this mentioned yet... surely someone else does this?

  16. I worked at a teen summer camp in high school as a "to-washy." (Pronounced "tuh-washy.") I had to clean both the boys' and girls' communal bathrooms every day. Biggest problem with the girls'? HAIR. JesusMaryandJoseph the HAIR. Like enough every day to stuff a mattress.

    The boys'? Pee all over EVERY SINGLE SURFACE. What went on in those bathrooms? Did they get distracted while whizzing and turn to speak to their neighbor? Were they shooting down insects or trying to take out vermin? WTF? Plus, the girls used 4-5 times as much toilet paper as the guys. And paper towels. I only had to refill the guys' soap dispenser ONCE all summer. However, I used 3 times as much bleach to clean theirs.

  17. Oy gevalt, if I had that job I would stick a gun up my ass and pull the trigger.

  18. I honestly don't know why women take so long to take a piss. Maxman and I were in the Louvre this last weekend, and he was in and out in about 30 seconds...I was still standing 9 back in line. I don't get women who take 5 minutes to pee. I can be done in about 40 seconds, tops, from yanking down to pulling back up.

    I notice the article didn't mention the unholy smell in women's an ass/twat/armpit salad. Unless someone's just taken a fat dump in stall ahead of you and doesn't even have the grace to look ashamed as they exit and you plunge into their stench cloud. I swear, public restrooms should come with canaries.

    I've been in loos all over Europe, and I think I've seen one of everything. The German ones are the cleanest, particularly at Oktoberfest where someone wipes down the floors every 30 minutes. I also saw the scariest ones at a roadside stop just over the Austrian border--all stainless steel (even the seats) and unheated, playing the eeriest music. It was like pissing in a John Carpenter film. The most alarming ones were the squat toilets I saw at Gardaland in Italy. Somehow I expected more from the Italians.

    When you travel as much as we do, you learn that you need to wash your backpack after you get home...I once had mine searched because I set it down on the floor of the loo at Manchester airport, and it picked up something that made the sensors go off and made it get swabbed...God only knows what.

  19. I don't get today's FPotD . . . what am I missing?

  20. A shadow on her leg that looks like something else.

  21. Erma Bombeck wrote this years ago. And it still stands true today!!

  22. Being the only girl in a house FULL of boys (two college students came home from school and brought their cousin with them to live with us for the summer, a husband and another male child) I have some experience on the matter of boys not being able to hit the toilet. I am with woodwoman, it is normal for boys to miss. I have decided that the older ones are worse as they are farther from the water in the toilet and then you have the splash effect that goes everywhere. I am so sick of cleaning the bathroom that I seriously make them pee outside. We live in the country and except for the occasional car that drives by (mostly neighbors who I think would understand my plight) there is no one to see them. Call me a redneck, but my bathroom no longer smells like a urinal.

  23. Love the tirade, Liz. Keep it up!

    Remember the toilets that required a toll to enter? I still shudder when I recall my mother telling me to just crawl under the door. If my wife knew, she'd never allow me to touch her.



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