Thursday, June 16, 2011

20 Products To Traumatize Your Infant

From Todd and

Raising a baby is a tough gig. "Experts" declare at every turn that the wrong decisions on nutrition, napping or enrichment will render your child emotionally barren, homeless, sexually deviant and, worst of all, short. It's no wonder child rearing products are such a huge industry. Here are 20 products perfect for developing little tykes ... into adults who want to murder their parents.


The Zaky Infant Pillow will simulate your touch to soothe your child into rest, provided the baby is accustomed to being palmed by disembodied sausage-fingers. They are weighted to remain firmly positioned, which is useful to parents who don't want to baby's first memory to be, "The time mommy's massive foreman hands mercilessly pinned me down"


This product, previously named My First Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Trainer, appears to be primarily designed to protect the baby's head in the event of shark attack.


Helmet jokes are too easy and, frankly, a little unfair. Babies learn to walk with a drunken stagger that invariably gravitates towards peril in all directions. A little protection is sensible enough while they are too young to be scarred by it (babies don't develop the shame gland until 18 months).


Sure, you could provide "horsie rides" without it, but then you wouldn't have a baby toy that doubles as an accoutrement for submissive sex play. Not many kids toys come with the advisory "Don't leave children unattended with this toy. Also never forget your safeword."


Key points when using this product:

1) Take the time to fully sterile the equipment before every use. You will also want to budget some time during use for letting the waves of nausea pass when you realize what you're collecting in that straw.

2) When you feel pressure inserting the tube, stop promptly. If you notice the child cannot move the left side of its body when you apply suction, you've gone too far.


Coming soon: Her First Drunken Bar Encounter and Her First Awkward Morning After. Collect all three! Tart Her Up, LLC. cannot be held accountable for any sexuality questions associated with putting these on your son.


From the instant any man dons this apparatus he can count on deeper bonding with his child, getting paid 25% less to do the same job as other men, and being grossly objectified for his sweet, sweet ass. On the flipside, he'll probably never have to buy his own drinks again.


Not only is this unspeakably cute, it comes with additional benefits as well. This gift will encourage random people to point and laugh at your baby, the one individual who isn't in on the joke.

(See the rest at


  1. The ThudGard helmet makes the most sense to me, particularly if you have a little one with balance problems or other developmental issues. Or who's had surgery on their heads, like to put in a stint or summat and needs protection as it heals.

    The rest of them?? They wouldn't make them if someone didn't buy them. Ye gods and little fishes.

  2. That hand pillow thing freaked me the fuck out.

  3. That snot sucker is so disgusting. At least the ones with just the bulb you squeeze in your hand don't go in your mouth, but they are really nasty too.

  4. Man, if I had a baby, I would *so* get that bucktoothed pacifier for him/her! Not only would it stop annoying crying, but if people looked at my kid, pointed and laughed, I'd think that was great.

    Probably good I never procreated, eh ;)?

  5. I'm with you, Daisy. The snot sucker is revolting. I used to buy those bulb squeezy things in bulk so I could just throw them away. I did NOT want to see what was in there!

    The buck-tooth pacifiers are really big in Hooterville. It makes matching the kids up with their parents so much easier.

  6. The face the kid is making while riding on the Daddle really freaks me out.

  7. I think the snot sucker would be way more traumatic for the parent than the baby!

  8. Anyone who has ever siphoned gas from a car through a hose knows better than to use that snot sucker.

  9. Mr and Mrs Hutchence are still deeply cut up over getting young Michael one of the auto swim rings.

    I'm not fooled by the Daddle. That is clearly meant to be a Mummy and Daddle toy. Or maybe a Daddle's Nasty Little Friday Night Secret toy. Complete with spurs.

    The snot sucker is gross. Did anyone already say that?



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