Monday, May 23, 2011

Ruminations Of The Day

Funny cuz they're true. Selections from, courtesy of Keva.

I have an irrational fear of wasting a good outfit on an insignificant day.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook people that I do know, but i deliberately choose not to be friends with?

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Can we come up with a better delivery mechanism for the paper towels in the airplane bathroom besides jamming one thousand of them into a slot the space of a deck of cards?

I’m not a big fast food eater, but if your airport doesn’t have a major chain in its food court, you’re not a real city. I’m exhausted, hungover, and have a twenty-minute layover. I want a fucking Big Mac, not slop from a place that serves both bagels and spring rolls.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

Upon stubbing my toe while at my parents house, I yelled out "Mother Fucker!" at that my dad responded "Present!"... as gross as that was, i had to high five him.

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

Bad decisions make good stories.

I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.

I like all of the music in my itunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my itunes.

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart."

More at

Let's hear yours.


  1. If you pray to God that you don't wake up the next day, and you die in your sleep, is that suicide?

    Or assisted suicide?

  2. Don't do it, Frank. Someone likes bikers, I'm sure.

  3. Every time I go to the grocery store, I ask if there's anything anyone needs before I leave. The answer is almost always a resounding "no." As I'm checking out of the store or already packing my trunk full of my purchases, the phone always rings and someone suddenly remembers they need something. Why can't they ever call 15 minutes sooner?

  4. You've seen those old movies set in an office where the only thing on their desk is a typewriter.

    WTF did they DO all day?

  5. Weep silent tears. Or maybe that was just me.

  6. Silently plot the deaths of cruel bosses and annoying co-workers.

  7. I love these. Great list!

    If while sorting laundry, you come to a shirt that is striped black and white, does it go in the light load or in the dark load?

  8. I know why MS Word does that, if anyone is dying to know. ;P

    I love these things. I like the one about the stove, especially. The outfit one, too, and the grocery bags.

  9. When I started jogging I used to hit the wall fairly soon, but somehow it always seemed better to keep going until I got to a corner. Otherwise I always thought motorists would think I just crapped out. I am sure other people don't think of us as much as we imagine.

  10. If I decide not to buy something in the grocery store I always put it back where it came from so if anyone's watching they won't think I'm rude.

    When I grocery shopped while pregnant I always put a jar of pickles in my cart just in case my water broke unexpectedly. Then I could drop the jar and blame it on the pickles.

  11. It's killing me because I think of stuff like this often, but can't think of anything now! I love these, though!

  12. These almost remind me of Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey.

  13. Great list. The only rumination I can manage off the top of my head is that I wonder how many people have died because they didn't realize "flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same dogmad thing. Probably foreigners mostly.

    And the Jack Handey things were great. I miss SNL in its heyday.

    I must also say that Carey always picks great artwork for these kinds of posts. The Thinker dropping a stinker. Inspired.

  14. For me it's the back right burner. Don't want the kids to be able to reach a boiling kettle.

  15. Every person I've ever met who drives a mini Cooper seems to be a tad bit odd.

    Is there really a reason for an automatic paper towel dispenser in the men's room? And they always fucking die at some point so then you're stuck with wet hands.

    I'm glad my parents didn't tell me everything about life. They trusted that I would figure a lot of stuff out on my own.

    No, checkout girl at Publix, I don't feel like donating a dollar of my grocery bill to charity, but thanks for putting me on the spot and making me feel like a piece of shit.

  16. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

    And I call that 9:30 a.m.



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