Monday, May 9, 2011

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: Every Girl

Poor loser. At least he's not bitter about it.

best of craigslist > philadelphia >

It's me! Every girl ever.

Date: 2007-11-10, 10:38AM EST

Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever.

I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!
Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.
Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.
Let's go back into the hallway!
Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!
Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me.

Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!


  1. I'm gonna hug my wife when I get home.

  2. HA! Wow, he's really enjoying wallowing in it, isn't he. Maybe if he tried looking when he isn't drunk for women to date who aren't in a dark bar, he would do better at finding the one he's looking for. :-)

  3. Whiny bitches don't get laid, pal.

  4. Perfect photo selection! Which begs a question... why do college kids ALWAYS have their mouths open in party pictures?

  5. And I thought dating sucked at nearly 50. Yikes. At least he's not bitter.

  6. You're gonna hug Lefty's wife, too?

  7. Oh, yikes! None of that, save for the cat and papasan chair, would have ever described me as a single girl in college (well, for those brief periods I was single). But, that was also in the mid to late '80's, and apparently things in the college dating scene have changed...not for the better.

    What is with the trend towards really daft photos these girls take, like the first one pictured? Makes you wonder how they actually got into college.

    Lefty, give your wife a hug for me as well ;).

  8. I wonder what the girl's take on the douche she just dated would look like.

  9. Reminds me of this:,18302/
    "I just keep thinking, 'That could have been me.' You know? Was it?"

  10. I hate papasan chairs, can't stand the smell of hazelnut, and I'm allergic to cats. It's not me!

  11. There is no graceful way to exit a papasan chair.

  12. Lefty, you kind of roll left to right, then lurch forward. I think you have to be under 25 to do it gracefully. After that, you just say, "My back's too!"

  13. File this under, "It's funny 'cuz it's true!"

    Loved this! Would like to read the girl's version, too.

  14. Hi I'm every man! Check out my car. Wanna root in the backseat? No? piss off cock tease. Joking!! But I am so glad I'm not single any more!!
    Now where's my Ikea catalogue?

  15. Bev said...

    Loved this! Would like to read the girl's version, too.

    The real version, or through a pair of "bitter-tinted lenses" like this guy's?

  16. So glad I'm not single anymore. So sad my daughters will probably grow up to do that at least twice...

  17. Guy is a dick.

    Anyway, I'm thinking about becoming a Buddhist monk. Seriously. At this point in my 30s, its the only thing that makes sense.



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