Thursday, May 19, 2011

11 Things I Will Never Do Again

Just sayin'.

1. Take a mud bath at Calistoga (or anywhere else).

2. Tell a cop to "fuck off."

3. Help you move.

4. Give money to M. Night Shyamalan, Brian DePalma, or Al Pacino.

5. Tell my wife she sneezes like a lumberjack.

6. Eat WOW chips (or anything else with olestra).

7. Flip off a truck full of construction workers.

8. Ask someone (a mother-in-law, for example) to stay the rest of the week when I don't really want them to stay the rest of the week.

9. Give my e-mail address to any website that sells insurance or wants to put me in touch with former schoolmates.

10. Recognize a wannabe-actor in a Sunset Boulevard Kinko's only because his box of head shots was waiting on the counter.

11. Change a diaper.

I've got more but that's a start.


  1. Did you have the Olestra experience? Once I told my friend of the side effects of products with that thing and her answer was: "But, you do lose weight, right?"

  2. In no particular order....

    1. (hopefully) go back on dialysis
    2. Have another credit card (by choice this time!)
    3. Have another baby
    4. Shake a sheet below a ceiling fan with light bulbs surrounded by glass covers. It didn't end well.
    5. Move.
    6. Surround myself with negative people.
    7. Enjoy another summer (apparently...since it's snowing!)
    8. Not accept help when I need it but don't realize it.
    9. Visit St. Louis, either willing or unwillingly.
    10. Offer something I don't really mean but did to be "nice" to someone.
    11. Take life for granted. Every day truly IS a gift.


    12. Be a doormat.

  3. Allow a friendship to develop with someone who tells me about their childhood abuse and/or intimate medical issues during our first chat.

    (Hmmm... then again, I suppose that is the pot calling the kettle black. Takes one to know one and all that.)

  4. Oh, oh! I got more!

    - Chart my basal body temp

    - Volunteer for a committee (sounds harsh but trust me, it's better for everyone.)

    - Stay at someone's house, incl. relatives (except for a very select few.) This includes B&Bs.

    - Have more pets than people in my house.

    - Take a shitty job just for the money (I hope I'm done with that...)

    (LOL @ Sheila's #$4)

  5. - Eat a whole large bucket of movie popcorn by myself. (Last time, I could'a swore it had Olestra in it.)

  6. Own a pet that shits in a box for me to scoop out.

    Travel by car across the country with two seventy-year olds.

    Did you see that episode of Futurama where Bender eats the wow chips and craps bricks?

  7. No but bricks would have been a relief.

  8. LMAO @ Gail's number one!!

    Here goes:
    Cut up a raw chicken
    Crack and/or peel my own lobster
    Move across a continent for someone
    Pay off someone else's debts
    Babysit an infant
    Give a ride to anyone over 300 pounds
    Eat oysters on-the-half-shell
    Eat any store-bought chili other than Wolf Brand

  9. -buy a house with stairs
    -go water-skiing
    -jump on a trampoline
    -agree to do something that someone ELSE volunteered me to do (unless it is something I really want to do)

  10. Hilarious lists!

    Here are a few off the top of my head:

    -live anywhere east of western CO
    -travel anywhere I could get Lyme disease (see above)
    -have anything to do with a man talks about what bitches all of his ex-girlfriends were
    -forget my sleeping bag on a camping trip
    -stay with my mother for a month
    -get married
    -have a job or career where I can be sued
    -tolerate toxic or high-maintenence friendships

    I'm glad to say that I have never and will never change a diaper, tell a cop to "fuck off" [wtf ever made that seem like a good idea, Cary?], or eat anything with Olestra in it (do they still put that shit in food? Wow!).

  11. Sonya - alcohol. Too much. Way too much.

  12. I will never say never again. I'm really tired of eating those words. They just get tougher and harder to swallow every year. :)

  13. TWSS - hahaha!

    Alcohol can usually be linked to probably 50% of people's "Things I'll never do again" lists ;).

  14. I agree with most of Cary's list except for #11 - I do hope to have grandkids some day far, far away. My personal list of Things I'll Never Do Again would also include:

    - get married
    - get married (it bears repeating)
    - vacation with in-laws
    - live in Oklahoma
    - vacuum a cat
    - drink moonshine (not after watching Justified!)
    - eat something I don't like just to be polite
    - waste time on Facebook or any other "social network"
    - drink peppermint Schnapps (haven't since May 1981)

  15. Mud baths really do smell like horse shit, btw. Feel like it, too.. all warm and peat-y. There was a big window right over the tubs my wife and I were in. I'm guessing they backed the horse right up to the window to deliver the "mud."

  16. These are awesome! Here are some of mine, though I pray I am not jinxing myself.

    -get married (if hubby #2 doesn't stick, screw it)
    -drink tequila
    -have a baby
    -live with my mom
    -take shit from strangers (though that has RARELY happened)
    -take shit from people who claim to love me (sadly, THAT has happened plenty)
    -care about my weight (within reason. it's time to admit that I am 41 and I love food and drink)

  17. Cary - what possessed you to get a mud bath? At what point did that sound like a good idea?

  18. It was my lovely wife's idea. I could've backed out but she really wanted to do it and I thought, what the heck, how bad can it be?

  19. Love this - I have to say my friend that runs with me each day is my age almost to the day and this is a recurring theme on our runs: what we won't do again or put up with, how much more intentional the second half of our lives will be but really, simplym the shit we are done with.

  20. Can never say never, but if I had to answer, I could only say, you know, drink alcohol. What else would I say? ;)

    Things I will try hard never to do again: judge and/or speak ill of any of my girlfriends behind their back. I will not be a mean girl.

    Oh! And a fun one - given a choice where to spend my travel money, I will never go to Vegas again. Vegas sucks!! Please, friends, stop getting married there. Please.

  21. I will never, ever believe a roommate (or anyone else, for that matter) when they say, "No, really, my schizophrenia is totally under control. Only pops up once in a blue moon..."

    I'm still changing nappies and will be for another two years or so, I imagine. Oh, well!

  22. 1. Fire a handgun in anger.
    2. Dump a prostitute (or an old christmas tree) in a wooded area.
    3. Take part in a gangland slaying.
    4. Watch any version of I Spit On Your Grave.
    5. Feed a woodchuck by hand (see #1).

  23. 1. Never tease a llama.

    2. Ask, "What's the worst that can happen?" when handing my car keys to a soon to be ex.

    3. Help a friend move when he swears "He only has a few things".
    3a. Believe friend when he continually swears "This'll be the last load of stuff".

    4. Drink a bottle of unlabeled liquor at the back of nana's kitchen cabinet. (No idea what is was, but it burnt the whole way down and gave me a wicked hangover.)

    5. Listen to a buddy when he tells me to sled down a hill face-first on a sled with no way to steer.

    6. Take up my uncle on his offer of some chewing tobacco. (Accidentally swallowed some of the "juice" and wound up hurling like a fire hose.)



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