Friday, April 15, 2011

What Your Favorite Classic Rock Band Says About You

From McSweeney's Internet Tendency.

What Your Favorite Classic Rock Band Says About You

By John Peck

The Doors: You have been bitten by an animal while trying to get it stoned.

The Who: You own a Goldwing with a baby-changing station.

Ted Nugent: Your hair has at some point been caught in a ceiling fan, boat propeller, or lathe.

The Rolling Stones: You own three cars and no stereo.

Canned Heat: You own three stereos and no car.

Cream: You know a guy who knows a guy who worked on Star Wars.

Journey: You own those running shoes that are shaped like feet.

Lynyrd Skynyrd: You somehow have both long hair and a sunburned scalp.

Yes: Your ideal partner would be into both tantric sex and fat guys.

The Beatles: You can do exactly 1.5 pull-ups.

Badfinger: You are a Beatle.

Deep Purple: Some part of a law named after a young girl applies to you.

Led Zeppelin: The first three things you smoked were banana peels, catnip, and poppies, in that order.

Jimi Hendrix: You are under 20 or over 65.

The Kinks: You have bad teeth and are good in bed.

The Guess Who: You have good teeth and are bad in bed.

Black Sabbath: Your greatest joy is painting unventilated rooms.

David Bowie: There is still, somewhere, a Dig Dug or Zaxxon machine with your high score on it.

Mott the Hoople: You are David Bowie.

The Grateful Dead: Your stories about the seventies make your daughter's roommates at Tufts very uncomfortable.

T-Rex: No matter how much you clean, there will always be trace amounts of glitter on your stove and blender.

The Eagles: You can only reach orgasm while listening to talk radio.

The Moody Blues: You are a former volunteer at the Liberace museum, a serial killer, or both.

Pink Floyd: Your garage is full of failed versions of your stereo/barbecue hybrid.

ZZ Top: Your favorite Hank Williams is Hank Williams, Jr.

Chicago: You are incapable of talking about Chicago without mentioning their horn section.

Quicksilver Messenger Service: You become sullen when people don't stick around while you fix their vacuum cleaners.

Crosby, Stills & Nash: You own an oversized hat.

Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young: You own three or more oversized hats.

Jefferson Airplane: You make your living buying and selling oversized hats.

Thin Lizzy: You are often forced to change or cancel your plans due to "NO LOITERING" signs.

AC/DC: You only remove your socks to shower, and then only reluctantly.

Aerosmith: You know a store that still sells puffy Reeboks.

Van Halen: You have a Peeing Calvin bumper sticker on your Jeep.

Sammy Hagar: You have a Peeing Calvin bumper sticker on your Subaru Brat.

Bachman-Turner Overdrive: You have an actual urine stain on your Subaru Brat.

Uriah Heep: You are the cause of the urine stain.

Santana: You have had an hours-long conversation with someone before realizing it was just a pile of clothes.

Rainbow: You have worn sweatpants to a funeral.

Foreigner: You have a severely wrinkled Jane Fonda poster under your bed.

Styx: You have a severely wrinkled Foreigner poster under your bed.

Allman Brothers Band: You do not own a bong, but can quickly make one from a piece of fruit or an abandoned toilet.

Bad Company: You have sustained several alcohol-related injuries involving sheetrock.

Creedence Clearwater Revival: You are frequently missing part of an eyebrow.

Rush: You carry a small flashlight everywhere, and use it at least three times a day.

Blue Cheer: You have a subset of friends whose sole purpose is to hold your hair while you vomit.

Boston: Your best friend really likes Blue Cheer.

Jethro Tull: You have a favorite rune.

Steely Dan: You have snorted cocaine off a copy of Remembrance of Things Past.

Fleetwood Mac: You have snorted cocaine off a copy of The Hobbit.

Blue Oyster Cult: You have snorted cocaine off a copy of Type 2 Diabetes for Dummies.

Mountain: You have snorted cocaine off a Blue Oyster Cult record.

Nazareth: You have snorted cocaine off a member of Mountain.

Hawkwind: You sell cocaine to Nazareth fans.

Molly Hatchet: You sell baking soda to Hawkwind fans and tell them it's cocaine.


  1. Funny, funny stuff! The ones for CCR and for Santana made me laugh the most. So random!

    According to this, I apparently have a severely wrinkled Foreigner poster under my bed, and I can do ewxactly 1.5 pull-ups. HA HA! :D

  2. Cary, I didn't know you had a Foreigner poster under your bed??

  3. PS - Apparently I am an Allman Bros Band / Steely Dan fan...

  4. I have to wonder if "McSweeney" is a Justin Beiber fan. And if so, what does that say about "McSweeney"... HMMM?

  5. P.S. --

    I'm also guessing that this John Peck guy has a collection of John Denver and New Christie Mistrels albums in his CD collection --

  6. This was terrific! Lynyrd Skynyrd: hilarious, and spot-on. Surprised not to see Stevie Nicks' name come up in that final grouping, though.

    Is this the first mention of Uriah Heep in LOTD? What a blast from the past. ("I was stealin' ... when I shoulda been buyin'") By the time I got out of high school, I had FIVE of their albums. Scared to ask how few others here ever heard of 'em.

  7. Cajunman, I think I've mentioned them once or twice before. It's a good name for a punchline. I wasn't into their music but I like Dickens. You're right about the Skynyrd one--that might be my favorite. That, or the Rush one. So true, both of them.

    Matt, did Mr. Peck hurt your feelings with this list?

  8. Mr. Peck didn't hurt my feelings at all. I'm just wondering what his musical tastes are, especially considering that he seems to have nothing good to say about bands who are obviously more talented at songwriting than he is at journalism.

  9. Well, hell. I was bitten by an animal. Actually, when I was in college my friend's dog DID eat an entire quarter bag. We were PISSED. The dog was okay though. And happy. Probably shouldn't admit that.
    Daisy - I must also have the same poster.

  10. Funny stuff. I must be a Rush fan, though I only have one or two albums.

  11. McSweeney is wrong. I can't do any pull-ups.

  12. Despite never working at the Liberace museum, he is dead on about my fondness for The Moody Blues. I even have all of their albums on cassette.

    Ooops. Disregard that. Both parts.

  13. I tried to correlate what my favorite groups say about me...couldn't do it! Guess I'm just a scattered mess. These were great!!!

    BTW...I DO know where to get puffy Reebocs! sad, eh?

  14. I like Fleetwood Mac. Excuse me, I need to get a dealer and a copy of The Hobbit or I will not be considered a true fan.
    And I'm wearing puffy reeboks right now.

  15. Evidently I am married to David Bowie...

  16. sorry that this is not germaine to the subject, but re your "Mugshot of the Day"...I think it's Helen Hunt without makeup!

  17. Apparently there is a school of thought that What Your Favorite Classic Rock Band Says About You

    Journey: You own those running shoes that are shaped like feet.

    Jimi Hendrix: You are under 20 or over 65.

    I have no favourite classic rock band as they all suck. But I have the forementioned running shoes. Vibrams and this rocket surgeon study assumes I like Journey and just make you stop believing I will state here that Journey is the worst band I have ever heard. Hands down and I love my Vibram running shoes.

  18. Congrats, Mark, that might be the most hilariously inane comment I've ever read on this blog.

  19. I have to laugh at people who get upset by this list. Clearly it is meant as humor; I'll bet Peck likes about 2/3 of these bands, as do I, but I have no problem with making fun of them.

  20. Best part of this post - it was posted the day of the Rush show in Cleveland and I read it while killing time waiting to leave for the show (and yeah, it was AWESOME). Also? I carry a pocket flashlight in my purse. WIN.



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