Thursday, March 31, 2011

Great Band Names Of The Day




Names of real bands, from The Courteous Chihuahua. My favorite: Shitty Shitty Band Band.

Action Figure Party
Almighty Lumberjacks of Death

Anal Blast

Anal Magic & Rev. Dwight Frizzell

Anal Stench

Anal Thunder

Angry Salad

Angry Samoans

Asian Kung-Fu Generation

Asspounder

Bad Haggis

Bad Monkey

The Banana Splits

Bastard

Bastard Sons of Johnny Cash

Bathtub Shitter

Big Poo Generator

The Birds Are Spies, They Report to the Trees

The Birthday Massacre

Bondage Fruit

The Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre

The Broken Penis Orchestra
Butthole Surfers

Butt Trumpet

Cars Can Be Blue

Cat Butt

Cats on Fire

Chainsaw Gutsfuck

The Child Molesters

Circle Jerks

The Cumshots

Death by Chocolate

The Egyptian Gay Lovers

Enter the Haggis

Facedowninshit

Father Moo & the Black Sheep

The First Person to See an Elephant

FistFuck

Five Foot Mullet

Flying Monkey Orchestra

The 4 Skins
Fuck
Fuck...I'm Dead

Fu Manchu

Funky Monkey

The Gay

Goatpenis

Godspeed You! Black Emperor

Go-Go Gorilla

Go-Kart Mozart

Go Robot, Go!

Guns'n Wankers

Hairy Lemon

Half Man Half Biscuit
Half Japanese
Honest Bob & the Factory-to-Dealer Incentives

I Got Shot in the Face

I Would Set Myself on Fire for You

Ivor Biggun

Jackie on Acid

Jedi Mind Tricks

Jon Cougar Concentration Camp

Kidneythieves

Killer Dwarfs

Killer Squirrel

Kiss My Poodles Donkey

Kiss the Anus of a Black Cat

Lemon Jelly

Lubricated Goat

Me First and the Gimme Gimmes

The Men They Couldn't Hang

Monkey Mafia

Motherfucker 666

The Mr. T Experience

The Muppets

Mutant Prostitute

Ned's Atomic Dustbin

The Nipple Erectors

No Name

Not Drowning, Waving

No Use for a Name

Nunfuckers

Party Fun Action Committee

Penis Flytrap

Ping Pong Bitches

Pissing Razors
Pitchfork Abortion

Please Inform the Captain This Is a Hijack

The Plot to Blow Up the Eiffel Tower

Poo

Prick

Propagandhi

Rainbow Butt Monkeys

Satan's Almighty Penis

Sausage

Screaming Monkey Boner

Scrotum Grinder

Seagull Screaming Kiss Her Kiss Her

Selfish Cunt

Sheep on Drugs

Shitty Shitty Band Band

The Slits

Smegma

Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin
Spacehog

Space Monkey

The Spaceshits

SPUNK

Star Whores

Stick Men with Ray Guns

The String Cheese Incident

Sultans of Ping

Swearing at Motorists
The The

The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza

Totally Fucking Gay

Vowel Movement
The Wait Wait Waits

Zodiac Mindwarp & the Love Reaction


Classic 70s Music Video Of The Day: Bell

Sometimes I get the feeling she's not singing about an actual bell. Crazy, I know.

This one's for Rachel.



Vid Of The Day: Pole Dancing For Jesus

More names for Jesus' "Asses To Kick When I Go Back To Earth" list.


Weekly World News Covers Of The Day

God I miss this rag. I subscribed for years. They still have a website but stopped publishing in print in 2007.





























Wednesday, March 30, 2011

WTF? News Story Of The Day: Obese Man Found Fused To Chair

From Woodwoman and WTRF 7News.



Obese Man Found Fused To Chair He Sat In For Two Years

Police describe deplorable conditions

Police said a Bellaire (Ohio) man had to be removed from his home on Washington Street Sunday after the man's skin had become attached to the fabric of the chair after he sat in it for two years.

Authorities said he was sitting in his own feces and urine and maggots were visible.

Police were called in to help transfer the man to the hospital. Authorities said they had to cut a hole in the wall to get the man out of his home.

Shockingly, two other able-bodied people lived there---another man, who had a separate bedroom, and the girlfriend of the man who was stuck in the chair. Officials say the girlfriend served food to him, since he never got up.

Bellaire Code Enforcer Jim Chase says now the tenants have been given orders to clean it or leave it. One officer said it was the worst thing he ever responded to. And most said the worst part of all was the smell.

Ironically the landlord says the man in the chair rented from her before and used to be a vital active person. She says she checked on them periodically but lately he always sat with a blanket over him. She says she had no idea it had come to this.

Sunday morning his housemates called officials when he was unresponsive. The 43-year-old man is currently in the hospital.


Vid Of The Day: Pillow Fight

From CollegeHumor.com.


15 Embarrassing Movie Roles Of The Day

Hey, you gotta start somewhere. Some of these aren't so bad. I liked Nic Cage in Valley Girl. They forgot Leo DiCaprio in Critters 3.

From Popcrunch--list, copy, pics, the whole she-bang.


BENICIO DEL TORO
Big Top Pee Wee




Generally, actors are hired because they are handsome. Unfortunately, they sometimes get a role that requires them to look like they fell out of the ugly tree and hit all the branches on the way down. Maybe it’s because of his naturally hairy face that Del Toro was tapped to play Duke the Dog-Faced Boy in Big Top Pee-Wee.


JEFF GOLDBLUM
Death Wish



You know it’s a depressingly bad role when your character doesn’t even get a name. Goldblum played one of Charles Bronson’s targets in the famous Death Wish movie. He sort of looks like a mean, weird version of Jughead in this scene.


JENNIFER ANISTON
Leprechaun

Leprechaun was made in 1993 and starred Jennifer Aniston. It’s unlikely after making gagillions of dollars on Friends, she would’ve agreed to this horror movie full of Irish stereotypes and questionable puppetry. Aren’t leprechauns supposed to be friendly and bring you sugary cereal anyway?


MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation




You’d think with a name like “Vilmer Slaughter” McConaughey would be playing a wrestler or some king of daredevil stuntman. Unfortunately, this role was part of Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation. It’s kind of like Star Trek: The Next Generation, only instead of a bald spaceman exploring the galaxy, a guy with a leather face explores people’s internal organs with a chainsaw. As a bonus, McConaughey plays a murderous trucker with a cybernetic leg. Shakespeare it is not. (Yes, that is Renee Zellweger as one of the screaming teenagers.)


SIR BEN KINGSLEY
The Love Guru

The name of this character alone should’ve sent Kingsley back to his agent with a baseball bat to beat some sense in him. How embarrassing is it not only to play a part in a painful comedy like the Love Guru, but to become a parody of yourself after playing Mohandas Ghandi in an Oscar-winning movie? It would be like Dustin Hoffman appearing in an 80′s teen sex comedy sometime after his role in The Graduate or Mike Myers ruining the Graduate. Leave the real actors alone Mike.


NICOLAS CAGE
Valley Girl



The term “Valley Girl” might’ve been hip and trendy back in 1983 when they made the movie Valley Girl. Nicolas Cage doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty playing a crazy vampire guy, drunk, or criminal with his face torn off. But in this one, he’s the handsome young punk that wins the girl with dialogue so horrible, you may throw yourself in a valley rather than hear anymore. You know a movie is in trouble when the film makers tout the music in it.


See the rest at Popcrunch.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

LOTD Classic: Song I Hate (Of The Day)

Classic as in old/a rerun, but posts were a bit skimpy today so maybe some of the noobs will enjoy this one.


I just got back from a Sam's Club run. I didn't tell my wife I was going because it makes her nervous. I'm an impulsive shopper, so on past trips I've come home with 1000 food service gloves, 30 cans of green beans and a giant tub of 250 pretzel sticks (that was April and my kid got tired of them after 146).

I also once bought several DVDs which, as it turned out, we already owned, so if anybody wants a copy of Syriana or Driving Miss Daisy II: Ass, Gas or Grass let me know.

The food service gloves were for my hands. I had a rash for a while, so my dermatologist gave me some cream to use at night and told me to wear gloves over my hands while I slept. Rubber gloves are too hot, so I saw the plastic ones at Sam's and though, yeah, that dog'll hunt.

They only came in a two-pack of 500 gloves per box, a little more than I need, but whatever. I wore them for about four nights until my wife made me stop because every time I moved in the bed -- which is a lot -- the sound of rustling plastic woke her up.

Besides, she said, I was never gonna get laid wearing those things and looking like a Subway "sandwich artist" or the sad albino bread guy at Picadilly Cafeteria.

So now we have 492* plastic food service gloves; I gave one box of 500 to my friend Danna, a "be prepared" kinda gal like me, and she was excited. I'm still glad to have my 492, because if I ever end up changing diapers again
-- god forbid -- I'm gonna use them. (Update: I no longer have to worry about this.)

But I digress. Sam's pissed me off because like so many places I shop, they play the worst music over their loudspeakers and you're stuck listening to it while you shop. Then one of those shit songs gets stuck in your head, and you walk around all the rest of the day haunted by dreck like "Suddenly" by Billy Ocean (thanks, CVS), "Key Largo" by Bertie Higgins (Publix), or, thanks to Sam's today, "Mr. Bojangles" by the Nitty Gritty (Shitty) Dirt Band.

Can I tell you how much I absolutely hate the song, "Mr. Bojangles"? HATE. IT. Always have. Even as a kid I thought it was so GD lame, this ridiculous song about some rotten old scabies-infested bum who dances for nickels to support his gin habit. Who fucking cares?

And then there's the lame-ass lyrics. "He let go a laugh"? WTF? He was squeezing it in like a fart and it slipped out? You let go a fart, not a laugh. Actually, though, since Mr. Bojangles' breath undoubtedly smells like ripe ass, his laughs are like farts, making the connotation appropriate, if not brilliant.

Whatever. The song blows, and I'm rewriting the lyrics. If I have to have it stuck in my head all day long, I'm gonna make lyrics that I like.

The real lyrics (abridged version):

I knew a man Bojangles and he'd dance for you
In worn out shoes

With silver hair, a ragged shirt, and baggy pants

The old soft shoe

He jumped so high, jumped so high

Then he lightly touched down


He said his name "Bojangles" and he danced a lick

Across the cell

He grabbed his pants and spread his stance,

Oh he jumped so high and then he clicked his heels

He let go a laugh, let go a laugh
And shook back his clothes all around


Mr. Bojangles...

Mr. Bojangles...

Mr. Bojangles...

Dance...

My version:

I knew a song "Bojangles" and it sucked my nuts...
For forty years

A lame-ass tune in three-quarter time 'bout some homeless dude
Who gives a fuck?!

He let go some gas, let go some gas

And then he shit his pants

Mr. Bojangles...

Mr. Bojangles...

Mr. Bojangles...

Die.


See? Now I don't mind so much when I hear it.




*492 on 6/25/09. 484 on 3/29/11. Another 18 years and we'll need more.

Upstanding Citizen Of The Day: BK Brawler

Hilarity from The Smoking Gun. It helps if you are familiar with the story and video.


BK Brawler Admits Battering Worker, Lying To Police

Says Cops Will “Have To Come And Get Me.”



While admitting to battering one Burger King employee and giving police a phony name, the Alabama woman whose videotaped spring break outburst has become a YouTube hit said today that she believes prosecutors have overcharged her in reaction to news coverage of the incident.

Claiming that Florida law enforcement officials “want all the publicity,” Nekiva Hardy, 30, said she has been hit with a felony and three additional misdemeanors because investigators think “this girl is making a joke of it. She has so many views on YouTube.”

“Florida is a jacked up state,” observed Hardy, who was originally charged with a single misdemeanor battery count for the March 19 melee at the oceanfront eatery in Panama City Beach.

“I ain’t blaming nobody but myself,” said Hardy. “I pulled that girl’s hair, that’s a simple battery. I’m guilty of that.” But, referring to several Burger King employees, she added, “Them bitches ticked me off.”

Hardy also admitted telling police she was “Kimesa Smith,” the name of a friend in her hometown of Montgomery.

Hardy also copped to lying to police (and TSG) when she claimed that she had traveled to Florida with three of her four children. If cops thought she had to care for her young children, Hardy surmised, they would be less likely to keep her in custody.

Asked if she expected to travel to Florida and surrender on the five counts, Hardy replied, “Fuck them, they’ll have to come and get me.” She added, however, “It’s gonna be hard to find me.”


Quirky Cartoons of the Day

Last week I came across a blog called Natalie Dee, and I haven't stopped giggling since! Here are a few of my favorites.

--Bev
































Tons more here!

Quagmire Quotes of the Day

According to Buzzfeed, this awesome graphic displaying quotes from Family Guy's resident perv, Quagmire, is "surging on MySpace." That surprised me because frankly, I didn't even realize that MySpace was still a thing.

(Click to enlarge)



Giggity! Got a favorite Quagmire-ism that isn't on here?


Monday, March 28, 2011

Creepiest Kids' Book Author Photos Of The Day

From Maxim.com.

SHEL SILVERSTEIN


Think twice about handing off a copy of The Giving Tree to a precocious tot; it's one of the few classic children's tomes still in print to feature a giant, frightening visage of its owner on the back cover. We're not sure if Shel just got out of prison, or if he just smelled onions.

MAURICE SENDAK

Current printings of Where the Wild Things Are have removed the author photo of Sendak -- a wise move. The man is absolutely terrifying, and he's still as cantankerous as ever. In a recent interview, when asked whether or not he had anything to say to parents who find Wild Things too unsettling for children, Sendak said they could "go to hell."

R.L. STINE

From the looks of the slightly uncomfortable Stine, a working title for his Goosebumps series could have been "Moley Moles." We're sure R.L.'s a nice (albeit unsmiling) guy and all, but giant moles are plenty scary to 7-year-olds. Can't...look...away...

DR. SEUSS

It's one thing to hop on Pop; it's another thing altogether to hunt and kill the creatures you created for your own amusement, then display their heads as trophies. That's our only explanation for what transpired here. The man was a doctor of death, apparently.

A.A. MILNE

We sincerely hope that's the daughter of the famous Winnie the Pooh creator seated on his lap. "Oh bother," indeed.

ROALD DAHL

The rumored white supremacist could've based Slugworth from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory on his own likeness. Why so glum, chum? This must be the face of a man who spent a lifetime without candy. We hear his next book in the Charlie series was to be called Charlie Runs Out for a Pack of Smokes.

RUDYARD KIPLING

We'll cut the Jungle Book author some slack on his lack of a cheery countenance, since this shot was taken during an era when photographs were believed to steal part of your soul. But damn, what's up with those eyebrows?

See more at Maxim.com.

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: GTFOOTW



best of craigslist > akron-canton


stop-and-talkers at the acme #1


Date: 2009-03-29, 1:47PM EDT
Hey, so you ran into an old friend did you? Or the big sale on all cuts of beef has you in a frenzy? Can't decide which granola looks the best?

Well GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY.


I swear, I see people standing dead center in a main aisleway, carts nose-to-nose SIDEWAYS, completely blocking everyone's path, yakking about everything from soccer to the economy.

WE'RE HERE TO BUY SHIT AND GO HOME DUMBASSES. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY.


See, some of us will park our carts in an inconspicuous location while considering our purchases, because we're considerate of others. Not you.

No, you need to stop and talk. Right in the middle of the lane. You couldn't possibly NOT notice that everyone is running into your carts while trying to squeeze past your idiotic fat ass.

So I guess you just don't give a shit. I also know damn well that you heard me mutter, "fucking morons" as I ran into your cart while squeezing past.

What the hell is wrong with you???


Oh, and how about you moms who like to march up the aisle with all 12 of your little heathens lined up like you're a moving defensive line in a game of red rover?

SINGLE FILE, PEOPLE! Line those bastards up, and move 'em out.

Furthermore, if you want to stand and gawk at the islands set up just inside the lobby, how about you do that BEFORE grabbing a cart and proceeding to jackknife the whole damn entrance?

GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY.


The very sight of a cart in the bread aisle makes me want to punch you in your clueless face. That aisle is barely big enough for people to traverse, much less push carts. So park it somewhere else while you grab your bread.

What, are you buying so many loaves that your arms can't handle the 20 foot commute?

Afraid your cart will be stolen by someone who noticed your cart was already filled with all the items on his/her list and figured walking away with your cart was so much more appealing than going and picking out his own sardines and pop tarts?

Well heaven forbid YOUR time should be wasted at the store.


To all stop-and-talkers, stop-and-gawkers, and moms shopping with armies:
GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY.


Product Of The Day: Better Marriage Blanket

All this means is more Dutch ovens.


Honest Movie Posters of the Day

Funny stuff from Cracked.com.

--Bev




















See them all here.

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