Monday, January 24, 2011

News Story Update Of The Day: Topless Van Masturbator Sentenced

I'm pretty sure I posted this story when it first broke. Poor woman--just trying to get away from her GD kids for 15 minutes to rub one out, and all hell breaks loose. Next time keep your top on, lady, and you'll be fine.

At first I thought the weapons charge was for the vibrator she was using, but turns out she had a gun, too. Gotta keep all the pervs away, you know. Some creep walking by sees topless Vikki going at it in her minivan and comes to the window to see what's what, so she pulls her 9mm and points it at his face: "Step. The Fuck. Away from the van. I'm busy."

I also wondered if she was able to finish before the cops interrupted her, but then I saw her mugshot.

"You're under arrest, ma'am."

"Whatever. Can I bum a smoke?"

From The Smoking Gun.

Topless Female Van Masturbator Pleads Guilty To Minor Weapons Charge

The topless Illinois woman arrested on a gun charge after cops found her masturbating in a Chrysler van outside a Red Roof Inn has pleaded guilty to a weapons count, according to court records.

Vikki Myers, 44, copped a plea last month in DuPage County Circuit Court to a City of Naperville ordinance violation. Myers, pictured in the mug shot at right, was fined $165 and placed on “supervision” for several months. She is scheduled for a March 9 court appearance.

Myers, arrested in November for possession of a 9mm handgun without a state-issued Firearm Owners Identification card, admitted to masturbating in the vehicle, where cops discovered “adult items that were used for self-pleasuring.”

Myers, who was not charged for the topless auto eroticism, was apparently staying at the hotel with her children, and had repaired to the van for her solo session.


  1. I say leave her alone at least until she finds some sort of satisfaction -- which reminds me of a song by the Rolling Stones -- but I'm not going there.

  2. Poor thing can't catch a break. Now she's been placed on "supervision" for several months. That will seriously inhibit her "alone" time for sure.

  3. Can't a girl have a hobby anymore? honestly

  4. Maybe she should consider putting up some curtains in her van.

  5. If so, Daisy, she should make sure that they match the carpet.

  6. Oh yeah, that's the most satisfied smile I've ever seen in a mug shot!

    What I don't understand is why she had to be topless AND packing heat. It's one thing to sneak off to the minivan for some alone time, but was it really necessary to release the hounds and bring a whole slew of toys? Sheesh, lady.

  7. How else was she going to rub her entire body in sage and menthol oil before beginning, Bev? Don't you know anything?

  8. I dunno, Dad always said that a job worth doing was worth doing right. Maybe her dad said that, too.

  9. I choose to think she's smiling like that in the mugshot cause the cops missed one of her "toys" and it's still happily chugging away in her funzone.

  10. I love how the article said she "had repaired to the van for her solo session." I have never heard the act of slapping the clam described so eloquently.

  11. I haven't seen such relaxed shoulders since Bill Clinton perjured him self.

  12. Auto eroticism...rim shot! NO, not that kind of rim shot! I mean, a drum rim shot!



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