Friday, January 21, 2011

15 Kinds Of Boobs You Don't Want (NSFW-ish)

Or maybe you do. To each her own.

From Popcrunch, who are much pickier than I am. Their list, their (not great) copy.

BOLT-ONS (aka Frankentits)

Nothing could be more terrifying than a hideous pair of bolt-ons suddenly appearing in your face as you’re minding your own business at the local 80′s night — except maybe seeing them at an awards show. One thing’s for certain here; while it’s true that money can buy just about anything these days, including fake breasts, Victoria Beckham has proven that it can’t buy common sense.



SAGGERS (aka Babyfeeders)

Saggers are often cited as being every girl’s secret fear, which in the end is often realized due to the natural process of aging. In certain cases, saggers make their debut at an early age — and usually on women who don’t seem to realize the fact. Saggers don’t necessarily have to be large to earn the moniker, and be sure not to mistake a pair of saggers for pancakes. The problem with saggers is that they simply don’t make an effort to stay where you put them, and they certainly don’t belong in public spaces without a good bra.



PANCAKES

Not to be confused with saggers, the pancakes tend to be most evident on girls who are often told to eat something before they die of malnutrition. Pancake boobies are like fossils or ancient ruins — they’re evidence that there was once cleavage where there are now only sad, flappy, forgotten bags of nothingness. 



PERPETUAL NIPS (aka Turkey's Done!)

Some people like to think that a good bra can cover anything, but with a pair of glass-cutters like these things mounted up front and center, it’s difficult to imagine just keeping a wardrobe without holes worn through every piece. The perpetual nipples aren’t just unsightly and embarrassing though — they’re potentially dangerous, too. It only takes one of them to put an eye out in the wrong situation.



WIDOWMAKERS

We like to call these widow makers because of their obvious potential to suffocate would-be victims of a smothering hug-attack by the wearers. We say would-be because the odds of a girl sporting these monsters of modern medicine ever snagging a man are worse than winning the lottery.



ANIME SPECIALS (aka Montags)

Prepubescent boys will ogle and lust after the anime special, but once they grow old enough to realize what things like “poor taste” and “sad pathetic attempts to feel more beautiful” are, they learn that there is such a thing as being proportional. Women who have this done to themselves are generally on the lower end of the porn-industry’s totem pole, but there are some pretty notable exceptions.

BIEBERS (aka Fried Eggs)

Calling girls who are flatter than boards Justin Biebers may seem a bit mean, but let’s face it, Justin Bieber deserves it. These women spend their entire lives self-conscious of their chestlessness in the starry-eyed belief that someday they may actually grow breasts. Sadly for them (and us) that doesn’t usually happen without surgical intervention, but every so often, one of them grows up to become a Hollywood starlet.



UNIBOOB (aka Boobs To Go/All Sales Final)

Alongside the dreaded bolt-ons, the uniboob is quite possibly one of the most frightening and emotionally disconcerting sights to which anyone can be exposed, period. Uniboobs are a genetic oddity, much unlike the more ubiquitous unibrow. While it’s possibly for a girl to be born with these things, it’s much more likely that when you see it, you’re seeing the erred judgment of a girl who couldn’t afford a good plastic surgeon.

MIGRATORS (aka Sternum Squatters)

Migrators may start out in a fairly standard placement in the morning, but they tend to go wherever they please as the day goes on. Women with migrators are usually the type to shun their bras, and even worse, think they have extremely desirable cleavage and try their best to show it off to as many souls as possible. Some people may also refer to these wandering nomads as “drifters.”



(See the rest at Popcrunch)

24 comments:

  1. I love it!! Take care, Cary!!

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  2. I never knew uniboobs existed in the flesh like that; I always thought uniboob is what a bad sports bra gives you.

    Just when I thought I knew everything about boobs! Thanks, List of the Day! ;)

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  3. I'm with Bev. I'm shocked about the in-the-flesh variety of uniboobs! Wow.

    Thanks for not including the moobs, Cary. That shows you are a class act all the way.

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  4. Thanks, Lefty, I try. But then somebody goes and posts a video of an animated dick masturbating itself and everything goes to hell.

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  5. Yikes! Uniboobs and migrators both look pretty scary to me. They look downright painful.

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  6. Well Cary you've made me feel very, very good about my own natural but normal boobs today.

    I heard a plastic surgeon say here one time in LA that the "grapefruit on a board" look was very popular - women wanted them to look fake and therefore noticeable. He said he wondered what would happen when a more realistic look to fake boobs came back, all of these women would have to have them re-done (which I guess you have to do every few years, I never knew that. A mom at school - remember it's LA - told me hers turned so the nipples faced the ground because she delayed her re-do. Once you looked, yes, you could tell. Then I always had to look.)

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  7. God, why did I click the link to see more?! Why?! I will never un-see those moobs! Must... wash... eyes!!!

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  8. I never claimed to be classy. I yam what I yam.

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  9. Please, for the love of god - tell me that some of these were 'shopped! Please? Like the "widowmaker" pic and the really grotesque "anime specials" pics. Just ridiculous.

    I used to be friends with a woman who had disproportionally small, pointed tits (and...unattractive in shape). A boob job by a skilled surgeon made a huge difference on both those accounts. But, the examples here, of women who clearly should have been able to afford much better surgeons, are unsettling.

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  10. Pokey nips are awesome. Don't listen to Popcrunch. Clearly a woman wrote this.

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  11. Imagine how these man made boobs will look like when the proud owners turn 50-60 and gravity does its work.

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  12. Mmmm.....the man made ones defy gravity and stay in place. That's part of their appeal. However, it does look weird to have a great rack while the rest of your body has aged.

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  13. I dunno, Chrocs, the woman sporting the Balloons look like she could be 50 or 60.

    I've never seen nor heard of a uniboob. That is freakish.

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  14. I'm going to have nightmares about Uniboobs now!

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  15. Pancakes. Delicious pancakes.

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  16. The "widowmaker", also known as "Marshmallow Hell", or a "Funbag Airbag".

    A girl I hadn't seen in ten years contacted a mutual friend and asked for my phone number not too long ago. After a few weeks of playing phone tag we decided to meet up and have dinner. Let me set the stage.

    When I'd last seen this girl, she was a petite 5 foot nothing with what could generously called boobs. But on the night we met up, it looked to me for all intents and purposes she was trying to sneak two beach balls into the restaurant under her sweater.

    I shit you not.

    Before. After.

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  17. We're missing the end of the story - how did the date end?

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  18. I'm glad I've got plain old big cans. Never really had a problem with getting them to do what I wanted, and they rock a dirndl. I feel sorry for people who aren't happy with their racks (or lack of) and use them to gauge their relative worth or self-esteem. I'd gladly donate some of my spare boobage if I could..!

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  19. I too would like to hear how Cam's date ended. Also, did the rest of her match her new big rack or was this a surgical enhancement?

    I've got big 'uns too, but I'm not offering to donate to the lesser-endowed among us. These beauties are all mine. ;)

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  20. Mine are starting to get bigger. I think I'll be able to pass them off as pectoral muscles for a little while.

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  21. woodwoman said...

    We're missing the end of the story - how did the date end?


    A gentleman never tells.

    So, we had a very good time after my initial staring was finally under control.

    P.S. I wound up with a neck strain and a few oddly shaped bruises, but it was worth it.

    Bev said...

    I too would like to hear how Cam's date ended. Also, did the rest of her match her new big rack or was this a surgical enhancement?


    She went under the knife mainly because her fiance at the time had told her how much happier it would make him if she'd get an enlargement. She did, and about three months after she recovered he broke up with her anyway, and she was stuck with "las tetas enormes".

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  22. That sucks. Natural is the only way in my book. Big, small or medium. I have seen some enhancements that are not obnoxious. If they're big enough that they look like they'd sound like balloons rubbing together, then you've gone too far, but really. Keep in natural, ladies. There is a lot to love about any breast.

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  23. Note to LOTD readers who wish not to gouge their eyes out with hairpins: Stop at "The Blow-Up Doll." Do not go further than "The Blow-Up Doll." After "The Blow-Up Doll," click back to LOTD.

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  24. Saggy titts.... why must you be on my 18 year old body!! >.<;

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