August Engrish Roundup

I am make the good time for to you.


Will they fit in there?


Like a sit-in, but a lot more interesting


Or, if you prefer, an ankret


Bleakfast (n): Any breakfast without bacon




This is a family restaurant, cock boy! Zip up your fly.


Okay, who shit a bowling ball in here?


The toilet gets plenty to eat already




You'll be trouble




Death is no excuse to leave a mess


Knocked. Not knocked up.


Me don't care


I'll pay an extra 200 if I get to punch you first


Stop bringing your bar snatch home, would ya? I don't want crabs again.


I think I'll have the chicken. I don't care if it's sour.


It's the most important fart of the day


No writing if you can't write


In the dressing room, Alice made her arrival at my bottom and gave me such a feeling.. quietly, of course, so we wouldn't get kicked out of the store


Hey! Keep your whore dust off my crab.

George Carlin's Dirty Words Of The Day: Sex

George Carlin
1937-2008

Euphemisms for fornication, compiled by comedian George Carlin. If you write letters to Penthouse, this is your lucky day, friend.

Got any to add?

ball
baloney ride
bananas and cream
bang
beef injection
belly ride
belt
blanket drill
blow off the loose corns
board
boff
bone
bore
bump fur
bump uglies
bury your wick
bury the bone
bush patrol
buzz the brillo cane
change your luck
chuck a tread
cock up
dance the mattress jig
daub of the brush
dick
dunk
diddle
dig your stinger in the honey
dip your stick
dip your wick
dirty work at the crossroads
do
do a dive in the dark
do a slide up the board
dog
do it
do the dirty deed
do the horizontal bop
do the nasty
feather-bed jig
feed the dummy
fiddle
firk
fit end to end
fix her plumbing
flesh session
flop
flop in the hay
four-legged frolic
fuck
get a crumpet
get a little
get a piece
get a snipper
get a wet one
get into her pants
get it on
get jack in the orchard
get laid
get lucky
get your ashes hauled
get your leather stretched
get your noodle wet
get your oil changed
get some
get some action
get some ass
get some stuff
get some tail
get some tweeze
get your bean waxed
get your pole varnished
give her a stab
go all the way
go like a belt-fed motor
go to bed with
go to it
go to town
go vaulting
grease the wheel
grind
grind your tool
hanky-panky
have a bit of giblet pie
have a bit of summer cabbage (huh?)
have a blow through
have sex with
hide the ferret
hide the salami
hit on the tail
hock
hop on
horizontal bop
horizontal hula
horizontal refreshment
hose
hot roll with cream
hump
impale
introduce charlie
invade
irish whist
jazz
jink
job
join paunches
jounce
joy ride
jug
juke
jump
jump your bones
knock
knock off a piece
know
lay
lay some pipe
lay the hip
make feet for children's shoes
make it
make love
make babies
make the beast with two backs
make whoopie
mate
mattress dance
mess around
mingle limbs
mix your peanut butter
mount
mugg
nail
nib
nub
nut
park your yacht in the hair harbor
peel your best end
peg
pestle
pile-drive
pin
plant your oats
play at all fours
play hide the bone
plow
pluck
plug
pocket the red
poke
pole work
pop
pork
post a letter
pound
pump
put a finger in the dyke
put the boots to
put the tool in the shed
quimstick
ram
ride
rites of venus
roast the broomstick
roll
roll in the hay
rock
rod
roger
romp
root
roust
rub bacon
rub up
rumble
rumple
rut
saw off a chunk
score
screw
scutz around
service
shack up
shaft
shag
shake the sheets
shoot between wind and water
shoot your wad
short arm practice
shove
shtup
sink the sausage
sink the soldier
slam
slip her a length
slip into
split
spoil
squat on the hog
squat jumps in the cucumber patch
squeeze and a squirt
stab
stable your naggie
strop your beak
strum
stuff
swing
tail-work
take a turn in the stubble
take a turn on shooter's hill
tear off a piece
the disappearing cane trick
the matrimonial polka
thread the needle
throw a hump
throw a leg over
thump
tie the true lover's knot
tip the long one
tool in the woods
trim the buff
trip up
the Rhine tumble
tumple
turn up
twiddle
varnish one's cane
vitamin F
wap
wham
what mother did (I'd rather not think about that)
wind the clock
work out
work the hairy oracle
yard
yentz

Best Homeless Sign Ever (Of The Day)

From ICanHasInternets.com.

12 Crappiest Public Apologies Of The Day

From Maxim.com.

If you're a professional athlete, entertainer or whatever the hell Spencer Pratt is, odds are you're gonna have to apologize publicly for something you did at some point. Oftentimes these apologies ring true, but more often than not, you make yourself look like an even bigger tool. Here are the 12 worst offenders of insincerity.

Kanye West Blogs His Way Further Into the Doghouse

Soon after the Taylor Swift incident, Kanye found himself back at his crib, trying to write an apology letter with the all-caps button jammed on his keyboard. Using a little-known bipolar writing style, Kanye goes from sincere apology to subtle insult, back to apology and so on. No surprise that the letter was pulled from his site soon after.


Gov. Mark Sanford Puts His Mistress First



Much has been made of the South Carolina governor's long, rambling owning-up speech where he revealed more dirty laundry than anyone asked for. But by the time Sanford gets around to the actual apologizing, he starts with his mistress! Followed by the people of S.C., and then his wife and kids. And it should be a rule that any apology is null when "y'all" is used this flagrantly.


Pete Rose Apologizes...For a Small Fee

The all-time hit leader denied betting on baseball for years. Then, in 2004, he finally admitted it in his autobiography. Like we didn't know. And he's since offered a public apology to any of his fans...for the low, low price of $279.99.


Chris Brown's Lonely Hearts Club Band



It's bad enough that it took Chris Brown so long to finally issue an apology for beating his then-girlfriend, Rihanna. (Five months? Why bother?) Kicking things off by trotting out the tired "My lawyer advised me..." excuse is a surefire way to elicit sneers. Adding insult to injury? The bizarre "Sgt. Pepper"-meets-"Double Dare" attire he chose to wear. At least put a tie on, punk.


Ashlee Simpson Passes The Buck



The singer totally got busted lip synching on SNL. Instead of fessing up to her antics, she points the finger elsewhere — at her band, who she strangely blames for "playing the wrong song" and follows with "I'm sorry, live TV." Maybe the band and live TV made her dance that jig too.


Mel Gibson Leaves No Doubt That He Is Insane



During his 2006 DUI arrest, the actor let fly a slew of anti-Semitic remarks. In response, he did the only thing he could—he sat down with Diane Sawyer. During the interview he managed to completely overshadow the incident and his apology, of sorts, by showing us that he's, uh, out of his effin' mind. (Sure, this video has been edited to increase his craziness, but not by much.)


(See the rest at Maxim.com)