Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Vid Of The Day: Shatner Tribute

I'm told this is the opening video from his Comedy Central roast back in 2006, which I missed.


Guests at the roast included Andy Dick (as the "love child" of James T. Kirk and Spock), Farrah Fawcett, Lisa Lampanelli, Artie Lange, Nichelle Nichols, Patton Oswalt, Kevin Pollak, Jeffrey Ross, George Takei, Betty White, and Fred Willard performing the roasting duties. Special, pre-taped, guest appearances were made by Leonard Nimoy, Sandra Bullock, Ben Stiller, Sarah Silverman, Jimmy Kimmel, and Clint Howard. 

Other celebrities were shown prominently in the audience, including Adrian Zmed, David Carradine, Roger Corman, Brent Spiner, Jeri Ryan, Rene Auberjonois, Rosalind Chao, Mark Valley, Carrie Fisher, Scott Hamilton, country music star Brad Paisley, Reno 911! stars Cedric Yarbrough and Niecy Nash, and stand-up comedian Brian Posehn. Women dressed as green Orion slave girls can be clearly seen tending bar.

The tagline for this roast was: "The Shat hits the fan."

(from Wikipedia)
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The 12 Worst Similes In Rock & Roll Music

List and copy from Cracked.com

For those of us who were asleep and/or drunk all through grammar school, a simile is a comparison of two things using "like" or "as," such as "Our public education was as pointless as an edible bicycle seat."



Goo Goo Dolls - "Iris"

Offending Lyric: "When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you're alive"

We're not really sure what sort of movies the Goo Goo Dolls watch in their spare time. The movies we watch are full of good-looking people getting in gun fights with one another. If everything felt like the movies, we'd be jumping off of the top of buildings with firehoses wrapped around our waist, which would do just fine as far as letting us know we're alive. Maybe the Goo Goo Dolls confused the words "the movies" with "freshman and sophomore years of high school?"



Def Leppard - "Pour Some Sugar On Me"

Offending Lyric: "Livin' like a lover with a radar phone"

How exactly does a lover with a radar phone live? Well, probably poorly if they're banging someone who thinks a radar phone sounds like a cool piece of technology. You have to feel bad for Def Leppard's girlfriends, who presumably all got radar phones for Christmas back in 1987, when this song was released.

Even for the late '80s, "radar phone" doesn't sound like such a hot piece of technology. Warrant's girlfriends were probably all getting car phones, along with new Trans Ams in which to install them. To make matters worse, when Def Leppard's girlfriends tried to phone their boyfriends to complain about their crappy gifts, instead of connecting the call, the radar phones would just measure how fast Warrant's girlfriends were driving in their new cars.



Poison - "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"

Offending Lyric: "Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song/Every rose has its thorn"

First of all, everyone knows (read: we just learned on Wikipedia) that roses don't even have thorns, they have prickles. But, Poison probably didn't have a dedicated botany research department so we'll let that one go.

The real problem is on the cowboy/sad song side of things. Forget "every" cowboy singing a sad song; we're having trouble thinking of one. Clint Eastwood? Anyone in Tombstone or Young Guns? There were probably no sad songs in any season of Deadwood simply because not many sad words rhyme with "cocksucker."

Wait a second ... does the fact that roses don't have thorns and that cowboys don't sing sad songs suddenly make this work as a simile again? Friends, I believe we have just been outwitted by Poison.



Bob Seger - "Like A Rock"

Offending Lyric: "Like a rock, chargin' out the gate"

In fairness, throughout most of this hit song, Bob Seger manages to find valid reasons to compare himself to a rock -- he's stoic, unflappable and rigid -- but toward the end of "Like A Rock" he somehow confuses the typical rocks he references throughout his song with much more proactive and much less rock-like stones that, evidently, sprint out of gates in certain circumstances.

Needless to say, anyone betting on Seger's boulder to win the Kentucky Derby probably wound up tearing up their tickets in frustration before being wheeled back to the asylum.



Ricky Martin - "She Bangs"

Offending Lyric: "Cause she looks like a flower but she stings like a bee/Like every girl in history"

Come on, Ricky Martin, you can't possibly mean every girl in history. Mother Teresa? The Statue of Liberty? The Bee Girl from the Blind Melon "No Rain" video, who looked like a bee, but was as harmless as a flower?

We've searched the rest of the song for some kind of clarification. The chrous offers, "She bangs, she bangs/when she moves, she moves." Does this woman go clanging around in a medieval suit of armor? Does this also apply to "every girl in history?" How could such a virile, obviously not-gay man know so little about the nature of females?



Patrick Swayze - "She's Like The Wind"

Offending Lyric: "She's like the wind, through my tree"

What about this woman is wind-like, Patrick? We listened to your entire song -- we're the only ones who have listened to the whole thing since the late '80s -- and we couldn't find any mention of wind-like tendencies. She's not described as being particularly invisible, or intangible or even gusty. She is described as "out of my league" which leads us to conclude that a more appropriate lyric would be "She's like every woman everywhere since I appeared in Road House."



Alanis Morissette - "Ironic"

Offending Lyric: "It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife/And isn't it ironic ... don't you think?"

Much has been made of the fact that Alanis' concept of irony doesn't quite meet the standards taught in most high school English classes, but her similes are every bit as worthy of scorn. Has anyone, in the history of mankind, ever needed a knife and ironically wound up with 10,000 spoons instead?

We're trying to imagine the circumstances, but each scenario seems more unlikely than the last:

* You work at the spoon factory, and the only way to unjam a cog in the spoon-making machine is to grease it by spreading butter over it.

* You invited the band 10,000 Maniacs to a dinner party, and the caterer, worried that they were in fact 10,000 maniacs, thought it best to limit their access to sharp items.

* You are armed for an invasion of Cereal Land, but the gates are being guarded by two juicy 72-ounce steaks.

For the rest, see the original article at Cracked.com

Classic 90s Music Video Of The Day: The Way

A catchy little tune based (loosely) on an actual event. (See below.)


From Wikipedia:


"The Way" revolves around an older married couple who decide to give it all away by packing up and going driving. Along the way, their car breaks down, so they continue on foot. As the song goes on, it becomes apparent that these two achieve happiness by losing touch with the world.

Fastball bassist Tony Scalzo came up with the idea for the song after reading news articles which described the disappearance of an older married couple, Lela and Raymond Howard from Salado, Texas, who left home in June 1997 to attend the Pioneer Day festival at nearby Temple, Texas, but never arrived. They were discovered two weeks later, dead, at the bottom of a ravine near Hot Springs, Arkansas, hundreds of miles off their intended route.

About the song, Scalzo said that "It's a romanticized take on what happened" - he "pictured them taking off to have fun, like they did when they first met."

The beginning of the song features a radio scanning through FM stations; among the songs played are Jewel's "Foolish Games", Roy Orbison's "You Got It", and Madonna's "Vogue."

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Product Of The Day: Road Rage Cards

Another entry in the "Why Didn't I Think Of This?" department -- and the "That's A Good Way To Get Shot" department.


From the website:


RELAX AND LET THE FLIP BOOK DO THE SCREAMING!

Road Rage Cards™ is just what you need if you really want to make a statement.

The printing is large and easy to read from a distance. The cards are tabbed and arranged by topic, so you can find the right message fast.

The book includes a variety of uncensored and censored messages (for those with slightly smaller balls). We've included a message for just about every annoying driver you'll encounter (43 messages in all), and we've also included some blank pages for you to write your own messages!

With Road Rage Cards, you'll always be able to get your point across!





(See more here)

13 Creepy Dolls That Will Kill You In Your Sleep (Of The Day)

Not as creepy as clowns, but almost.

She is very disappointed in you. Very.

Mom? Where's my retainer?

You are getting very sleepy. I might've put something in your cocoa.

John-John not happy. When John-John not happy, big people die.

You better watch it. The last guy who pissed me off won't be pissing anybody off anymore, if you get my meaning ::wink::

Look at these eyes. Do I look like someone who would creep into your room at night, climb up into your bed oh-so-quietly, and smother you with a pillow while you kick and flail and try to pry my murderous arms off your head?


Uh-oooh. Did that hurt? Silly hatchet.

Who, us? We're not up to anything, nope. :::whistling:::

I told you my eyes hurt.

Of course I wasn't moving. I'm a doll. Go back to sleep.

Little Miss No Name. I'm sad that I have no name. You'll be sad when you have no head.

Why did you leave me in the tanning bed, Mommy, why?

Heh heh HEY! Just writing your suicide note. ::giggle::
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