Thursday, August 26, 2010
AUGUST 25--A Cincinnati woman was simultaneously masturbating with a sex toy and watching a pornographic video while driving last week, according to cops who arrested her on assorted criminal charges.
That’s when officers noticed that Hamilton’s pants were unbuttoned. And she had a vibrator in her lap. When questioned, Hamilton admitted to engaging in auto-erotic manipulation, and revealed that she had also been watching a porno movie playing on the laptop of a friend in the passenger seat, according to an Elmwood Place Police Department report.
Hamilton, pictured in this mug shot, was booked into the Hamilton County jail on a misdemeanor count of driving with “impaired alertness.” Hamilton was also charged with possession of drug paraphernalia since cops found a “broken piece of crack pipe” in her purse.
She was not, however, accused of using the pipe while she was driving and masturbating and watching an X-rated film, the title of which was not released.
Everybody's gotta be different now, is that it? Diversity is fine, but give me something I can pronounce. John Wayne. Tony Curtis. Cary Grant. Those were star names. Not this shit.
The guy who played Richard Alpert on "Lost" has a name that sounds like a sketchy pasta dish. “Our special tonight is Nestor Carbonell -- spinach linguine with caper sauce, topped with long-eared Christmas donkey medallions.”
Spoken, it’s fine, but it reads as “Seen Bean,” someone Dr. Seuss might’ve written about.
Have you seen Bean?
Whomever do you mean?
I mean Bean, you fiend,
Have you Sean Bean?
Chi-wah Who-wha? Can someone Chiwe-tell me how to pronounce this fucked-up name? (Whatever you call him, he played Huey Lucas in American Gangster, where he and The News sang, “I Want A New Drug.”)
Whenever I encounter assonance in celebrity names, I just want to combine them: “Americarrara.”
The sound of disappointment.
“Who’s in this movie?”
“That beast from Grey’s Anatomy.”
“Oh. What else is on?”
M. Night Shyamalan
Shyamalan is fine -- it gives us all a reason to call him “Shama-lama-ding-dong.” But he's gotta lose that unnecessary M. John C. Reilly needs his C because there’s another John Reilly in SAG. Somehow I doubt there’s another Night Shyamalan, and if there was, he surely changed his name after The Happening.
Pickler? I barely know her!
Great actor (24, Damages, House, True Blood), crappy name. Under “Alternate Names,” IMdb.com lists “’Z with a caron Zeljko Ivanek’, ‘Z-with-inverted-circumflex-eljko Ivanek’, ‘Å½eljko Ivanek’ and ‘Z’, proving that even they don’t what the hell to do with that name. Why don't you trade in a k or two for some vowels, chief?
I drove a Corolla once. It sucked. I suggest Adam Camry or Adam 4Runner, both far superior makes of Toyota.
I hope so, 'cause the motherfucker sure can’t sing.
Actually, this one is perfect.
Rupert Grint and Ioan Gruffudd
Weren’t they the villains in Great Expectations?
Whenever you say his name, a genie appears.
A name that sounds like a cross between two things that frighten me: probe and Pabst.
Skeet? Were Spunk and Jizz already taken?
“Tyra” sounds a lot like “tiring.” Coincidence?
Stockyard? No one should have a name that reminds people of pig shit.
Shut the crud up, Billy. Yeah, I know, it’s pronounced “KROOD-up.” Like that's any better.
Shy in the buff? Why? Coming up a little short?