Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Via The Boston Examiner. Here's an excerpt:
I first learned about Neal Horsley when he sent me an email telling me he had been following my articles on secession and wondered if I could help him get in contact with the head of the Georgia Militia. I told him, sadly, no, but was curious about a link to a website he gave me for his campaign for governor. And then, there was the mule thing, which I'll get to.
He is running on the "nullification platform", which is kind of secessionist lite. Though, looking over his platform, there doesn't appear to be anything lite about it. But we'll get to that later.
Now, about the mule. Here's a snippet of his confession on Alan Colmes:
NH: "Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule."
AC: "I'm not so sure that that is so."
NH: "You didn't grow up on a farm in Georgia, did you?"
AC: "Are you suggesting that everybody who grows up on a farm in Georgia has a mule as a girlfriend?"
NH: It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from the reality... Welcome to domestic life on the farm..."
Colmes said he thought there were a lot of people in the audience who grew up on farms, are living on farms now, raising kids on farms and "and I don't think they are dating Elsie right now. You know what I'm saying?"
Horsley said, "You experiment with anything that moves when you are growing up sexually. You're naive. You know better than that... If it's warm and it's damp and it vibrates you might in fact have sex with it."
You can read the entire article here.
From Funny Or Die.
Portable Watermelon Cooler
Just when you think you’ve seen it all in the world of gadgets, Japan churns out yet another unique device. This time it’s the Marugoto Tamachan [JP], a watermelon cooler and heater. That’s right, the machine doesn’t just cool watermelons, but for some reason it can also heat them up. And it’s portable, too.
Maker Joybond says the heating feature can be useful for keeping other stuff warm, too, for example beverages or food. The Marugoto Tamachan holds 14l and is sized at 50.2×35.4×39.2cm (weight: 6.3kg).Needless to say, the device is available in Japan only (price: $230). Ask import/export specialist Geek Stuff 4 U if you’re really interested in getting one.
Of course, just as a broken clock is right twice a day, even a bad actor can get lucky and find himself/herself in a decent flick from time to time. In the interest of fairness, I've noted those exceptions.
Robin Williams is actually two people: one, the talented mensch in movies like The Fisher King and Awakenings, the other a tiresome sadist who makes shit like Mrs. Doubtfire, RV, Patch Adams, Bicentennial Man and more. Both men are Sasquatch-hairy.
Exceptions: One Hour Photo, Good Will Hunting, Dead Poets Society
They say she's a nightmare off screen. Off screen? She's pretty frightful on screen, too. Maid In Manhattan. The Wedding Planner. Anaconda. And, of course, (pee shiver) Gigli. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Remember Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Yeah, that kid is long gone. Now we have the blank-faced middle-aged schlump who makes movies without reading the scripts ahead of time (hello, Michael Caine!); how else can you explain Godzilla, The Stepford Wives, and Deck The Halls? Mr. Sarah J. Parker always seems to be phoning it in, but hey, it's a paycheck. Hay and sugar cubes aren't cheap.
Exceptions: Election, The Freshman, Glory
DR. WILLIAM H. COSBY, Jr., Ed.D, Ph.D, D.D.S., C.P.A., Esq., M.D., P.I., R.N., P.T., P.A., A.C.E., L.P.T.
The last time Cosby made a decent flick, Gerald Ford was president. Yeah, he's a TV god, but his movies are like having Jell-O Pops shoved up your cornhole. Don't believe me? Try watching Leonard Part VI or Ghost Dad sober. Cosby was also in Jack (1996) with Robin Williams and J-Lo, earning that film a rare suck-fecta. But hey, did you know that Cosby has a doctorate in education? Of course you did! He includes it his credits so that you won't forget.
Exceptions: Critic Pat Collins called Cosby's Ed. D. dissertation "the best academic tome I've read all year!"
CUBA GOODING, JR.
Seems like after Cuba won his Oscar for Jerry Maguire, he decided he was done with heavy lifting and started making bad movies, each worse than the one before it. First there was a pointless bit part in As Good As It Gets, then Instinct (Anthony Hopkins in a fright wig and Cuba standing in the rain, arms outstretched to the sky, saying, "Fuck you, Shawshank Redemption! We stole your money shot."). The decline continued with Rat Race (Cannonball Run sans Burt and Loni), Snow Dogs (a kids movie starring Michael Bolton!), and Radio (a buck-toothed Forrest Gump in a grocery cart). Then, in his final capitulation, Cuba hopped aboard Eddie Murphy's suckwagon (Norbit), for his final ride to that gas chamber called wasted potential.
Exceptions: Cuba was phenomenal in Malcolm X. No, wait... that was Denzel Washington.
ANY POP SINGER WHO THINKS HE/SHE IS AN ACTOR
Mariah Carey: Glitter
Jon Bon Jovi: Pay It Forward, Pucked
Whitney Houston: The Bodyguard.
Jewel: Ride With The Devil
Brandy: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
Lil' Kim: You Got Served
Exceptions: Stacy "Fergie" Ferguson in Poseidon. Well.. ok. Not really. But she was better than Richard Dreyfuss, and he has an Oscar.
Chris, buddy, I dig your stand-up, but your movies really "bring the pain": Lethal Weapon 4, Down To Earth, Head Of State, The Longest Yard. No wonder everybody hates Chris.
Exceptions: Still thinking...
Meet the guy who's squeezed out more ripe turds than an infant who just switched over to solid food: Jersey Girl, Gigli, Reindeer Games, Daredevil, Changing Lanes, Pearl Harbor, Surviving Christmas, Bounce, Armageddon, The Sum Of All Fears... how much time do you have? On the other hand, he's porking Jennifer Garner, so don't feel too sorry for him.
Exceptions: Matt Damon's pretty good in those Bourne movies; does that count?
Carmen "stars" in Date Movie, Epic Movie, Scary Movie, and Disaster Movie, so she really has just one role: queen of the Shitty Movie.
Exceptions: Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding
His only big-screen role was Cabin Boy, but it was as rotten as his Oscar-hosting performance. Those two things put him on the list for life.
Yes, she won an Oscar for The Hours (which sucked my nutsack) and was nominated again for Moulin
Exceptions: To Die For, The Others
Did you know that Patrick has a mutant younger brother named Don? Mais oui, and his filmography includes such highbrow fare as Beach Babes From Beyond, Sexual Malice, Knuckle Sandwich and more. So if you see Don on the screen, it means two things: 1) you're watching Cinemax; and 2) you're not seeing boobs, which is the only reason you're watching Cinemax in the first place. That makes Don Swayze a cockblocker, and no one likes a cockblocker.
Exceptions: Don turned heads as "Obnoxious Guy" in The Cutting Edge 2: Going For The Gold.
STEVEN SEAGAL (OR THIS GUY, WHO ATE HIM)
"I'm just a schnook."
Exceptions: Under Siege, Executive Decision (because he dies in the first half hour)
Lou Diamond Phillips (Striking Range, Alien Express, Red Water)
Gary Busey (any title)
Eddie Murphy (Norbit, The Adventures Of Pluto Nash)
Jennifer Love Hewitt (The Tuxedo, Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit)
Jean-Claude Van Damme (Bloodsport, Cyborg, Maximum Risk)
Lindsay Lohan (I Know Who Killed Me, Georgia Rule)
Eric Roberts (Phat Girlz, DOA: Dead Or Alive)
Based on this article at Maxim.com