Thursday, July 1, 2010
For those of us who were asleep and/or drunk all through grammar school, a simile is a comparison of two things using "like" or "as," such as "Our public education was as pointless as an edible bicycle seat."
Goo Goo Dolls - "Iris"
Offending Lyric: "When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you're alive"
We're not really sure what sort of movies the Goo Goo Dolls watch in their spare time. The movies we watch are full of good-looking people getting in gun fights with one another. If everything felt like the movies, we'd be jumping off of the top of buildings with firehoses wrapped around our waist, which would do just fine as far as letting us know we're alive. Maybe the Goo Goo Dolls confused the words "the movies" with "freshman and sophomore years of high school?"
Def Leppard - "Pour Some Sugar On Me"
Offending Lyric: "Livin' like a lover with a radar phone"
How exactly does a lover with a radar phone live? Well, probably poorly if they're banging someone who thinks a radar phone sounds like a cool piece of technology. You have to feel bad for Def Leppard's girlfriends, who presumably all got radar phones for Christmas back in 1987, when this song was released.
Even for the late '80s, "radar phone" doesn't sound like such a hot piece of technology. Warrant's girlfriends were probably all getting car phones, along with new Trans Ams in which to install them. To make matters worse, when Def Leppard's girlfriends tried to phone their boyfriends to complain about their crappy gifts, instead of connecting the call, the radar phones would just measure how fast Warrant's girlfriends were driving in their new cars.
Poison - "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"
Offending Lyric: "Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song/Every rose has its thorn"
First of all, everyone knows (read: we just learned on Wikipedia) that roses don't even have thorns, they have prickles. But, Poison probably didn't have a dedicated botany research department so we'll let that one go.
The real problem is on the cowboy/sad song side of things. Forget "every" cowboy singing a sad song; we're having trouble thinking of one. Clint Eastwood? Anyone in Tombstone or Young Guns? There were probably no sad songs in any season of Deadwood simply because not many sad words rhyme with "cocksucker."
Wait a second ... does the fact that roses don't have thorns and that cowboys don't sing sad songs suddenly make this work as a simile again? Friends, I believe we have just been outwitted by Poison.
Bob Seger - "Like A Rock"
Offending Lyric: "Like a rock, chargin' out the gate"
In fairness, throughout most of this hit song, Bob Seger manages to find valid reasons to compare himself to a rock -- he's stoic, unflappable and rigid -- but toward the end of "Like A Rock" he somehow confuses the typical rocks he references throughout his song with much more proactive and much less rock-like stones that, evidently, sprint out of gates in certain circumstances.
Needless to say, anyone betting on Seger's boulder to win the Kentucky Derby probably wound up tearing up their tickets in frustration before being wheeled back to the asylum.
Patrick Swayze - "She's Like The Wind"
Offending Lyric: "She's like the wind, through my tree"
What about this woman is wind-like, Patrick? We listened to your entire song -- we're the only ones who have listened to the whole thing since the late '80s -- and we couldn't find any mention of wind-like tendencies. She's not described as being particularly invisible, or intangible or even gusty. She is described as "out of my league" which leads us to conclude that a more appropriate lyric would be "She's like every woman everywhere since I appeared in Road House."
Alanis Morissette - "Ironic"
Offending Lyric: "It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife/And isn't it ironic ... don't you think?"
Much has been made of the fact that Alanis' concept of irony doesn't quite meet the standards taught in most high school English classes, but her similes are every bit as worthy of scorn. Has anyone, in the history of mankind, ever needed a knife and ironically wound up with 10,000 spoons instead?
We're trying to imagine the circumstances, but each scenario seems more unlikely than the last:
* You work at the spoon factory, and the only way to unjam a cog in the spoon-making machine is to grease it by spreading butter over it.
* You invited the band 10,000 Maniacs to a dinner party, and the caterer, worried that they were in fact 10,000 maniacs, thought it best to limit their access to sharp items.
* You are armed for an invasion of Cereal Land, but the gates are being guarded by two juicy 72-ounce steaks.
See more at Cracked.com.
So apparently Lindsay Lohan is a thief. Hey man, drugs and lawyers are expensive, especially when you're a non-working actress. I guess blowjobs don't pay what they used to.
From What Would Tyler Durden Do?
Lindsay Lohan hasn’t had a movie in theaters since July of 2007, when I Know Who Killed Me died faster than Kurt Cobain, so how on earth does she keep up her fancy lifestyle? Mostly though stealing as it turns out.
Church — a boutique that sells expensive clothes, jewelry, and accessories — claims Lindsay shopped at the store between November, 2009 and February, 2010. (She) racked up a bill of $17,060.83 and convinced the owners her business manager would pay the bill. But much to the chagrin of the owners, Lindsay’s business manager paid a grand total of $180.
4.23.07 - $10,000 in clothes from a model.
8.3.07 - clothes from a Louis Vuitton photo shoot.
5.6.08 - an $11,000 fur coat.
2.16.09 - this just looks stolen.
6.16.09 - $400,000 in diamonds from a photo shoot.
11.14.09 - 2 bottles of champagne from a bar in Hollywood.
11.17.09 - she tried, but failed, to take $15,000 in clothes from Kitson.
4.23.10 - a $35,000 Rolex.
Full story at WWTDD.com.