From The Onion.
Massive Flow Of Bullshit Continues To Gush From BP Headquarters
LONDON—As the crisis in the Gulf of Mexico entered its eighth week Wednesday, fears continued to grow that the massive flow of bullshit still gushing from the headquarters of oil giant BP could prove catastrophic if nothing is done to contain it.
The toxic bullshit, which began to spew from the mouths of BP executives shortly after the explosion of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig in April, has completely devastated the Gulf region, delaying cleanup efforts, affecting thousands of jobs, and endangering the lives of all nearby wildlife.
"Everything we can see at the moment suggests that the overall environmental impact of this will be very, very modest," said BP CEO Tony Hayward, letting loose a colossal stream of undiluted bullshit. "The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean, and the volume of oil we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total volume of water."
Hayward's comments fueled fears that the spouting of overwhelmingly thick and slimy bullshit may never subside.
According to sources, the sheer quantity of bullshit pouring out of Hayward is unprecedented, and it has thoroughly drenched the coastlines of Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida, with no end in sight.
Though no one knows exactly how much of the dangerous bullshit is currently gushing from BP headquarters, estimates put the number at somewhere between 25,000 and 70,000 words a day.
Monday, June 7, 2010
From The Onion.
Some awards show bullshit. I didn't realize scrubbing a floor made you a w-o-m-a-n. Like Raquel or Cher have ever scrubbed a floor in their lives.
If I'm not mistaken, the VO guy at the beginning is the legendary Ernie Anderson, the voice of ABC for years ("...on the Looooove Boat!") and father of director Paul Thomas Anderson. The story goes that young Paul once stumbled upon his dad's massive porn collection, which later inspired him to make Boogie Nights.
From The Borowitz Report.
Golf Legend Seizes PR Opportunity
NEW YORK – Sensing a public relations opportunity, golf legend Tiger Woods spoke out today on the BP oil spill, telling reporters, “At least I didn’t fuck the entire Gulf of Mexico.”
Initially stunned by his comment, reporters asked Mr. Woods to elaborate on his response to the oil spill crisis.“I’m just saying, sometimes you can cause a lot more damage by drilling one hole as opposed to a thousand holes,” he said.
“I’m just saying.”
From Seth D. and Sheila, courtesy of The West Virgina Surf Report (wtf?).
McDonald's Sausage McMuffin
BK Enormous Omelet Sandwich
McDonald's Sausage Breakfast Burrito
KFC Famous Bowl
Wendy's Chicken Club
Taco Bell Nachos Bell Grande
McDonald's McSkillet Burrito
Subway Turkey & Ham sub
BK Sausage, Egg & Cheese Croissant
Wendy's Southwest Taco Salad
Arby's Beef 'n' Cheddar