Funnies from Adam and NotAlwaysRight.com
Ice cream shop, Michigan
(A customer orders a sundae in a small banana boat. It’s two mounds of ice cream with hot fudge, pecans, whip cream, and a cherry.)
ME: “Can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “Yes, I’d like the hot fudge pecan royale. Can you make it with twist ice cream?”
ME: “Yes. ”
CUSTOMER: “That comes with whip cream, right?”
ME: “Yes it does.”
CUSTOMER: “Good. I don’t want a cherry though, they’re fattening.”
Credit Card Call Center, Florida
ME: “Thanks for calling Credit Card Services, how may I help you today?”
CUSTOMER: “Yeah, I was just looking over my statement and see I was charged a late fee. Why?”
ME: “Well, when we receive a payment past the due date, a late fee is normally assessed to the account. Do you have any idea why we received the payment late?”
CUSTOMER: “I was on vacation and didn’t send it in until the 12th.”
ME: “Well, the payment was due on the 8th and there is usually at least seven days between customers sending in their payment until we can receive and process them.”
CUSTOMER: “Well, can you waive that fee for me?”
ME: ”Unfortunately, since the fee was billed appropriately, there isn’t any way that it can be removed.”
CUSTOMER: “Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?”
ME: “How is that in any way relevant to this conversation?”
CUSTOMER: “Jesus would waive my fee!”
ME: “Jesus wouldn’t own a bank.”
Zoo, Scotland, UK
ME: “Hi, do you need any help?”
GUY AT ZOO: “Yeah… do the chimps, like, speak English?”
ME: “Ummm…. no.”
Coffee Shop, Raleigh, NC
CUSTOMER: “Is the lemon pound cake fresh? Like, is it soft?”
ME: “All of our pastries are fresh, sir. Would you like a sample, to see if you like it?”
CUSTOMER: “Just let me feel it.”
(I put the slice of cake on a plate and watch resignedly as he pokes the cake full of holes.)
CUSTOMER: “Yeah, I guess that’s soft enough.”
ME: “Alright…”
(I pick up the slice of cake with tongs and move to put it in a pastry bag.)
CUSTOMER: “Not THAT one! It’s got holes all in it!”
Furniture store, Netherlands
(I’m working at a well-known Scandinavian furniture store. Our children’s supervised play area only allows ages 3 to 6. Parents need to fill in a form with the names of the children and the address…)
CUSTOMER: (writes down age 7)
ME: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but only children from 3 until 6 are allowed to play in here.”
CUSTOMER: (makes a 6 out of the 7 and looks at me with a big smile)
Fast Food, Ontario, Canada
(I work at a popular fast food restaurant. Drive-through customers should be aware that we can hear every word they say.)
CO-WORKER: “Hi, welcome to ***. How can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “I just need a minute to decide.”
CO-WORKER: “No problem, just let me know when you are ready.”
(The customer talks to his passengers, while we listen…)
CUSTOMER, to his passengers: “I should ask for something dumb on my ice cream, just to see what they say. How about pickles? They would probably just ignore me. Oh, I know… tomatoes!”
CUSTOMER, to my coworker: “Okay, I’m ready.”
CO-WORKER: “Alright, go ahead…”
CUSTOMER: “I’d like an ice cream sundae with tomatoes on it, please.”
CO-WORKER: “I’m sorry, due to the recent recall in the States, we aren’t serving tomatoes right now. Can I offer you a sundae with pickles instead?”
CUSTOMER: *drives off without ordering anything*
Retail, Minneapolis, MN
(I’ve just spent about 10 minutes answering fairly standard questions from a customer about an iPod. Then, they asked this one…)
CUSTOMER: “Oh, before you leave I have one more question!”
ME: “Sure, what can I help you with?”
CUSTOMER: “Will the iPod get heavier if I put more songs on it?”
Computer Store, Buenos Aires, Argentina
(A man on his mid-forties shoves a DVD case on the counter, while yelling at me. Keep in mind that I’m wearing glasses.)
CUSTOMER: “This DVD doesn’t work, G** D***it! I want a refund!”
ME: “Okay… what seems to be the problem?”
CUSTOMER: “I don’t know, it doesn’t work!”
(I open the case and check the surface of the DVD. It was so scratched that it was nearly white instead of purple, and it even had a dry fingerprint of something that looked like peanut butter.)
ME: “Um… sir?”
CUSTOMER: “WHAT?!”
Me: “I can’t give you a refund for a product that has been damaged by the customer.”
CUSTOMER: What?! The disc is fine! I want a refund!”
ME “Sir, the disc is damaged, and I cannot give you a refund.”
CUSTOMER: “I want to speak to the manager!”
ME: “Of course.”
(I walk away to the back of the store, take off my glasses, and walk to the counter again.)
ME: “Yes, what is the problem?”
CUSTOMER: “YOUR POOR EXCUSE FOR A SALESMAN WON’T–” (He suddenly figures it out.) F*** THIS S***!” *continues swearing while he storms out of the store*
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