Friday, May 28, 2010

Twitter Mockery Of The Day: Ashton & Gary

Tyler Durden FTW!



Says Tyler:


I’m not sure if my screencap of Ashton's tweet about Gary Coleman is legible, but this is basically what he said…

“RIP Gary Coleman. I will always be a fan of keeping my name in the press by injecting myself into unrelated stories like the death of someone I didn’t know in hopes that Us or People will mention me in a ‘Hollywood reacts’ kind of thing. I could get some sweet publicity if they use my insincere statement. Cross your fingers everyone!”


Bwahahahahahahaha!!!


If They're In It, I'm Not Watching It

Celebs this dude cannot abide.

MICHAEL DOUGL-ASS

Do not like. Never have. Don't like his dad, either.

SNAGGLEPUSS

Can't believe Twilight or True Blood didn't cast her

JAY LAME-O

Douche

SARAH JESSICA

I'll just watch Mr. Ed

NIC CAGE

Fool me once...

GWYNETH

Except in a box

ROBIN FUCKING WILLIAMS

Unfunny since.. hmm.. forever?

MYRUS

DIE-rus

JERRY VAN DYKE

Jerry Van Gofuckyourself. I loathe this man.

QUASIMODO

Her face rings a bell. Because her ass would break it.

CHICLETS McPSYCHO

Eats corn on the cob through a tennis racquet

LILO THE HO

Oxygen thief

SEAN PEEN

Great actor. Total asswipe.

HARVEY FIERSTEIN

When I hear that beastly voice, I want to rip out his larynx and shove it up his ass.

BABS

"Shut the fuck up!"

Holy crap, I almost forgot my #1 Celebrity Avoid? I will not see a movie she's in, no exceptions.

Ghoul-ia Roberts

Succubus (click link and then wait a few secs)

80s Bully Megacut Video Of The Day (NSFW)

It's too long, too redundant and not edited all that well, but I like it anyway. Because I'm forgiving like that.

Where have you gone, Billy Zabka?

Best line = 1:23.




From The Huffington Post.

Music Video Of The Day: Shake Your Pants

Uh. Wow. Okay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

From the band that brought you "Word Up" and "Alligator Woman."


Customers From Hell: Quotes Of The Day

Funnies from Adam and NotAlwaysRight.com



Ice cream shop, Michigan

(A customer orders a sundae in a small banana boat. It’s two mounds of ice cream with hot fudge, pecans, whip cream, and a cherry.)

ME: “Can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “Yes, I’d like the hot fudge pecan royale. Can you make it with twist ice cream?”
ME: “Yes. ”
CUSTOMER: “That comes with whip cream, right?”
ME: “Yes it does.”
CUSTOMER: “Good. I don’t want a cherry though, they’re fattening.”

Credit Card Call Center, Florida

ME: “Thanks for calling Credit Card Services, how may I help you today?”
CUSTOMER: “Yeah, I was just looking over my statement and see I was charged a late fee. Why?”
ME: “Well, when we receive a payment past the due date, a late fee is normally assessed to the account. Do you have any idea why we received the payment late?”
CUSTOMER: “I was on vacation and didn’t send it in until the 12th.”
ME: “Well, the payment was due on the 8th and there is usually at least seven days between customers sending in their payment until we can receive and process them.”
CUSTOMER: “Well, can you waive that fee for me?”
ME: ”Unfortunately, since the fee was billed appropriately, there isn’t any way that it can be removed.”
CUSTOMER: “Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?”
ME: “How is that in any way relevant to this conversation?”
CUSTOMER: “Jesus would waive my fee!”
ME: “Jesus wouldn’t own a bank.”

Zoo, Scotland, UK

ME: “Hi, do you need any help?”
GUY AT ZOO: “Yeah… do the chimps, like, speak English?”
ME: “Ummm…. no.”

Coffee Shop, Raleigh, NC

CUSTOMER: “Is the lemon pound cake fresh? Like, is it soft?”
ME: “All of our pastries are fresh, sir. Would you like a sample, to see if you like it?”
CUSTOMER: “Just let me feel it.”

(I put the slice of cake on a plate and watch resignedly as he pokes the cake full of holes.)

CUSTOMER: “Yeah, I guess that’s soft enough.”
ME: “Alright…”

(I pick up the slice of cake with tongs and move to put it in a pastry bag.)

CUSTOMER: “Not THAT one! It’s got holes all in it!”



Furniture store, Netherlands

(I’m working at a well-known Scandinavian furniture store. Our children’s supervised play area only allows ages 3 to 6. Parents need to fill in a form with the names of the children and the address…)

CUSTOMER: (writes down age 7)
ME: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but only children from 3 until 6 are allowed to play in here.”
CUSTOMER: (makes a 6 out of the 7 and looks at me with a big smile)


Fast Food, Ontario, Canada

(I work at a popular fast food restaurant. Drive-through customers should be aware that we can hear every word they say.)

CO-WORKER: “Hi, welcome to ***. How can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “I just need a minute to decide.”
CO-WORKER: “No problem, just let me know when you are ready.”

(The customer talks to his passengers, while we listen…)

CUSTOMER, to his passengers: “I should ask for something dumb on my ice cream, just to see what they say. How about pickles? They would probably just ignore me. Oh, I know… tomatoes!”
CUSTOMER, to my coworker: “Okay, I’m ready.”
CO-WORKER: “Alright, go ahead…”
CUSTOMER: “I’d like an ice cream sundae with tomatoes on it, please.”
CO-WORKER: “I’m sorry, due to the recent recall in the States, we aren’t serving tomatoes right now. Can I offer you a sundae with pickles instead?”
CUSTOMER: *drives off without ordering anything*

Retail, Minneapolis, MN

(I’ve just spent about 10 minutes answering fairly standard questions from a customer about an iPod. Then, they asked this one…)

CUSTOMER: “Oh, before you leave I have one more question!”
ME: “Sure, what can I help you with?”
CUSTOMER: “Will the iPod get heavier if I put more songs on it?”

Computer Store, Buenos Aires, Argentina

(A man on his mid-forties shoves a DVD case on the counter, while yelling at me. Keep in mind that I’m wearing glasses.)

CUSTOMER: “This DVD doesn’t work, G** D***it! I want a refund!”
ME: “Okay… what seems to be the problem?”
CUSTOMER: “I don’t know, it doesn’t work!”

(I open the case and check the surface of the DVD. It was so scratched that it was nearly white instead of purple, and it even had a dry fingerprint of something that looked like peanut butter.)

ME: “Um… sir?”
CUSTOMER: “WHAT?!”
Me: “I can’t give you a refund for a product that has been damaged by the customer.”
CUSTOMER: What?! The disc is fine! I want a refund!”
ME “Sir, the disc is damaged, and I cannot give you a refund.”
CUSTOMER: “I want to speak to the manager!”
ME: “Of course.”

(I walk away to the back of the store, take off my glasses, and walk to the counter again.)

ME: “Yes, what is the problem?”
CUSTOMER: “YOUR POOR EXCUSE FOR A SALESMAN WON’T–” (He suddenly figures it out.) F*** THIS S***!” *continues swearing while he storms out of the store*

Vid of the Day: High Five Etiquette

Just keep walking and never turn back. ~Daisy


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