Friday, May 14, 2010

Comedy.com Links Of The Day

Every time you click, God smites a reality TV "star."


Winnie Cooper Poses (Almost) Naked For Maxim




A News Anchor Gets A Little Inappropriate




10 Amazing Slow-Motion Bird Videos


Craigslist Ad Of The Day: Hot Tub

(For the noobs, a rerun of one of the most popular (?) Craiglist ads I've ever posted. If you don't believe me, go read the comments from the original post. The best one was from Erica -- I don't think she comes around anymore, sadly -- who labeled the event the "group poo-and-spoo." Brillllz!)



Ok. I'm a somewhat weird dude; I know this. But I'm Johnny Normal compared to people like this. If this isn't the nastiest thing I've heard of, I don't want to remember what is.

Don't read this while eating your breakfast. And direct your wrath to Regan, who submitted it. She loves a good fight.



hot tub group release (berkeley)

Date: 2005-12-08, 10:51PM PST

Let's keep this simple. I have a hot tub on Euclid. I am having a group release party on December 28th. Everybody is welcome (last time was all men which was fun but I would really like to get some women this time).

Here's how it works: Five people get into my 400 gallon redwood hot tub. The temperature is a challenging 125 degrees. After a few minutes, everybody "evacuates" (voids their bowels in the tub). We see what floats to the surface.

This "letting go" stage is followed by a "coming together" stage in which each person helps the person to their left reach satisfaction (handsex). Simple and wonderful.

Some ground rules:

1) No footwear of any kind in the tub! Leave your flip flops on the deck!

2) Do not go into the house.

3) Scents are okay but please, NO GREASY HAIR PRODUCTS.

4) Please refrain from smoking.

5) Once everybody is in the tub, its silent time. No talking until everybody is out.

6) If you do not like what is "going down" (or coming up) step out of the tub. You do not need to make it everybody else's problem.

7) Please commit before showing up. Don't come out to the backyard, check out the "scene" and then decide to leave. This disrupts the experience for everybody.

8) Please no laughing or frivolity. Its not that it has to be "dead serious" but we don't want it to turn into a joke. For many people a group release party is a vulnerable psychosexual experience and your laughter can be shaming.

9) PLEASE NO LOUD TALKING AFTER THE SESSION. MY NEIGHBORS HAVE COMPLAINED SEVERAL TIMES AND HAVE THREATENED TO CALL THE POLICE.

10) If you are over two hundred pounds it is fine, but please let me know in advance.

11) PLEASE NO DIABETICS, PREGNANT WOMEN OR PEOPLE WITH HEALTH CONDITIONS WHICH MAY BE AFFECTED BY A LONG AND UNUSUALLY HIGH TEMPERATURE HOT TUB SITUATION.

12) NO DRUGS OF ANY KIND!!!!

13) Please make sure that you have eaten well and NOT EXCRETED FOR AT LEAST TWELVE HOURS before coming.

14) No food in the hot tub or on the deck. If you must eat, finish your food in your car.

15) You can park directly out front or along the street. PLEASE DO NOT PARK IN THE DRIVEWAY. If parking is limited park on POPLAR st.

16) Do not turn on the airration jets under any circumstances. This makes the party impossible to clean up afterwards and also disrupts the atmosphere in the tub.

17) Please show up on time for the session. The orientation period is extremely important and helps to insure that the party will be a success for all participants.

18) NO CAMERAS OF ANY KIND INCLUDING CAMERA PHONES. For many, the session is a "discreet" experience and respect for individual privacy concerns is of utmost importance.

19) If you have a health concern which you believe may be transmittable through personal waste material please wait for at least two weeks after the matter has cleared up before attending a session.

20) You are welcome to bring a friend PROVIDED I KNOW IN ADVANCE. Please do not show up with an extra participant. Thank you for your interest and contact me if you wish to participate.





Talk about a bunch of party poopers...
.

Asshole E-Mail Of The Day: Hot Tub

Another instant classic from E-Mails From An Asshole.




Hot Tub Repairman

Original ad:

We are in need of someone who can fix our hot tub. If you know what you are doing, it is probably a fairly easy fix. The hot tub is about 11 years old and has a cracked pipe and a broken pipe. Also, some of the jets are not working (may be related to the pipe). We will pay for the parts. Please respond with an estimate for the cost of labor.

From Me to ********@**********.org:

Hello,

I am a certified hot tub repair technician and would be happy to help fix your hot tub. Please let me know if you are still looking for someone.

Thanks,

Mike

From Ellen ****** to Me:

Mike,

How much will you charge to fix it?

Ellen

From Me to Ellen ******:

Helen,

It seems like a simple fix, but it will be time consuming. I could charge you money, but I am more interested in barter, if you are willing to hear me out.

Mike

From Ellen ****** to Me:

Mike,

What are you looking to barter?

ELLEN

From Me to Ellen ******:

Helen,

All I want in return for fixing your hot tub is to let me use it occasionally when I am on a date.

I find it much easier to get chicks from the bar to come back to my place if I tell them I have a hot tub. The problem is, I live in a basement apartment and do not have a hot tub. Hot tubs are great for getting chicks drunk; something about drinking in a hot tub makes them get completely shitfaced without even knowing it. I don't know the science behind it, but it is a proven fact that bitches get more drunk in a hot tub. Before you know it, these chicks are passed out drunk and ready to fuck.

Don't worry, I won't need to use your house or anything when I get my fuck on; I usually just bang them in the back of my truck and drop them off at a McDonalds.

So basically, in return for fixing your hot tub, all I ask is that you let me use it for 2-3 hours about four or five times a week.

Please let me know if this sounds fair to you.

Mike

From Ellen ****** to Me:

Absolutely not. Are you joking?

ELLEN

From Me to Ellen ******:

Helen,

Why not? I promise I won't pee in the hot tub. If I accidentally do, I promise I will add extra chlorine to balance out the urine levels. I won't shit in your hot tub either. If I have to take a shit, I'll do it in your bushes. Shit makes for great fertilizer.

Please help me out here. I can't use the old hot tub I used to go to because I was informed that I would be arrested if I stepped foot on that property again. I assure you I will have your hot tub running like new once I fix it.

Mike

From Ellen ****** to Me:

The concern of you pissing in my hot tub didnt even cross my mind, but I'm just going to add that to the list of reasons why I am against this. Most importantly - I will not let some creep bring women back to my house to rape them in my hot tub!

From Me to Ellen ******:

Whoa there, who said anything about rape? This is purely consensual.

From Ellen ****** to Me:

You said you wait until they pass out to have sex with them!

From Me to Ellen ******:

In the state of Pennsylvania, the law states that if you can get the girl back to a hot tub, it is considered to be sexual consent.

Look Helen, I'm just trying to fix your hot tub. Not get a lecture on ethics. Do you want your hot tub fixed or not?

Mike

From Ellen ****** to Me:

Not by you, you creep! and my name is ELLEN not Helen, you fuck!

From Me to Ellen ******:

My apologies, Ellen. I assumed you had made a typo when writing out your name. Now how about answering my question?

From Ellen ****** to Me:

Go fuck yourself, loser.



Commercials Of The Day: Amour

Honesty is underrated. Link from Ron (not Burgundy).


History's Weirdest Deaths (Of The Day)

History's strangest deaths - supposedly. Some are surely more legend than fact. And don't call me Shirley. (Info from Wikipedia. My comments in italics.)

207 BC: Greek philosopher Chrysippus is said to have died of laughter after watching his drunken donkey attempt to eat figs. (Yeah, the old "drunken donkey trying to eat figs" bit gets me every time, too.)

258: St. Lawrence was martyred by being grilled over a fire on a large metal gridiron at Rome. According to legend, Lawrence refused to give information about the Church to the Romans, and instead exclaimed, "I am done on this side! Turn me over."

1305: Scottish patriot William Wallace was stripped naked and dragged through the city by horse. He was hanged, drawn and quartered, emasculated, eviscerated and his bowels burnt before him, beheaded, then cut into four parts. His preserved head was placed on a pike atop London Bridge, and his limbs were displayed, separately, in Newcastle, Berwick, Stirling, and Aberdeen. ("I say we kill him." "I say we hang him, then we kill him." "I say we hang him, behead him, draw and quarter him, then we kill him." "I say we let him go."

1327: Edward II of England, after being deposed and imprisoned by his Queen consort Isabella and her lover Roger Mortimer, is said to have been murdered by having a red-hot iron inserted into his anus. (But - knowing the royals, he probably liked it.)

1771: King Adolf Frederick of Sweden died of digestion problems after a meal of lobster, caviar, sauerkraut, smoked herring and champagne, topped off with 14 servings of his favorite dessert: semla served in a bowl of hot milk. He is remembered by Swedish schoolchildren as "the king who ate himself to death." (In America, that title belongs to Elvis.)

1899: French president FĂ©lix Faure died of a stroke while receiving oral sex in his office. (No info on whether or not he came before he went.)

1911: Jack Daniel, founder of the Tennessee whiskey distillery, died of blood poisoning six years after receiving a toe injury when he kicked his safe in anger at being unable to remember its combination.

1912: Tailor Franz Reichelt fell to his death from the Eiffel Tower while testing his invention, the coat parachute. It was Reichelt's first attempt with the parachute, and he'd promised authorities he would first test it with a dummy. (And did!)

1920: Baseball player Ray Chapman was killed when he was hit in the head by a pitch. (Struck him out!)

1923: Jockey Frank Hayes suffered a heart attack during a horse race. The horse, Sweet Kiss, continued running and finished first, making Hayes the only deceased jockey to win a race. (He showed surprisingly little emotion when presented with the trophy.)

1927: J.G. Parry-Thomas, a British racing driver, was decapitated when his car's drive chain snapped and whipped through the cockpit. Parry-Thomas was attempting to break his own land speed record set the previous year. Despite being killed in the attempt, he succeeded in setting a new record of 171 mph* (* only his head reached that speed, not the car).

1927: Dancer Isadora Duncan died of accidental strangulation and a broken neck when one of her trademark long scarves caught on the wheel of a car in which she was a passenger.

1935: Baseball player Len Koenecke was bludgeoned to death with a fire extinguisher by the crew of an aircraft after provoking a fight with the pilot during flight. (Their battering average for the flight was 1.000)

1941: Writer Sherwood Anderson swallowed a toothpick at a party and died of peritonitis. (At least it wasn't from periodontitis.)

1943: Lady Be Good, a USAAF B-24 bomber, lost its way and crash landed in the Libyan Desert. Mummified remains of its crew, who struggled for a week without water, were not found until 1960. (At least they could remember their names. Because there wasn't no one for to give them no pain.)

1971: Jerome Rodale, an American pioneer of organic farming, died of a heart attack while being interviewed on "The Dick Cavett Show." According to urban legend, when Rodale appeared to fall asleep, Cavett quipped, "Are we boring you, Mr. Rodale?" Cavett later stated in a New York Times article that the myth is incorrect; the initial reaction to Rodale's seizure, he says, was fellow guest Pete Hamill saying in a low voice to Cavett, "This looks bad." (To which Cavett replied, "No shit.") The show was never broadcast. (So let me get this straight. The organic farmer fell asleep? But not Cavett and everyone else listening to him talk about organic farming?)

1972: Leslie Harvey, guitarist of Stone the Crows, was electrocuted on stage by a live microphone. (I could make some lame jokes here about how no one was ever charged with his death, or how he finally got those new amps he wanted. But I won't.)

1974: Christine Chubbuck, an American television news reporter, committed suicide during a live broadcast on July 15. At 9:38 AM, 8 minutes into her talk show on WXLT-TV in Sarasota, Florida, she drew out a revolver and shot herself in the head. (I get that same urge when I when I watch talk shows.)

1975: Alex Mitchell, a 50-year-old bricklayer in England, literally died laughing while watching an episode of "The Goodies." According to his wife, Mitchell was unable to stop laughing while watching a sketch in the episode "Kung Fu Kapers" in which Tim Brooke-Taylor, dressed as a kilted Scotsman, used a set of bagpipes to defend himself from a psychopathic black pudding in a demonstration of the Scottish martial art of "Hoots-Toot-Ochaye." After twenty-five minutes of continuous laughter, Mitchell finally slumped on the sofa, dead from heart failure. (Well, it does sound funny.)

1976: Keith Relf, former singer for The Yardbirds, was electrocuted while practicing his electric guitar, which was not properly grounded. (Although Relf was, three days after his death.)

1981: Carl McCunn paid a bush pilot to drop him at a remote lake near the Colleen River in Alaska to photograph wildlife, but had not arranged for the pilot to pick him up again. (The devil is in the details, ain't he?) Rather than starve, McCunn shot himself in the head. His body was found in February 1982.

1981: Movie director Boris Sagal died while shooting the TV miniseries World War III when he walked into the tail-rotor blade of a helicopter and was decapitated. (Aaaaand...cut!)

1982: Vic Morrow, actor, was decapitated by a helicopter blade during filming of Twilight Zone: The Movie, along with two child actors, Myca Dinh Le and Renee Shin-Yi Chen.

1983: Professional diver Sergei Chalibashvili died during the World University Games. When he attempted a three-and-a-half reverse somersault in the tuck position, Chalibashvili smashed his head on the board and was knocked unconscious. He was in a coma for a week before dying. (He received a cumulative score of 0.0 for the dive, but only after the French judge's score of -3.5 was thrown out.)

1984: Jon-Erik Hexum, an American television actor, died after he shot himself in the head with a prop gun during a break in filming on the set of the CBS series Cover Up, a program about a pair of fashion photographers/models who were actually secret agents. Hexum apparently did not realize that blanks use paper or plastic wadding to seal gun powder into the shell, and that this wadding is propelled out of the barrel of the gun with enough force to cause severe injury or death if the weapon is fired at point-blank range. (Shame, because it sounds like it could've been a great show.)

1984: British TV actor Tommy Cooper collapsed from a massive heart attack in front of millions of television viewers on the popular ITV show, "Live From Her Majesty's." At first the audience assumed he was joking. (The show was renamed, "Dead From Her Majesty's")

1990: Aspiring magician Joseph W. Burrus, 32, attempted to perform an illusion of being buried alive in a plastic box covered with cement. The cement crushed the box and smothered Burrus. (His illusion of knowing what the F he was doing also failed.)

1993: Garry Hoy, a Toronto lawyer, fell to his death from the 24th floor of the Toronto-Dominion Centre. Hoy had thrown himself at the window to prove the glass was "unbreakable."
(Hey y'all, watch this!)

1997: Daniel Jones, a 21-year-old from Woodbridge, Virginia, died from suffocation when the 8-foot-deep hole he dug at a beach in North Carolina collapsed and buried him in the sand. (The good news: his grave was already dug.)

1999: Pro wrestler Owen Hart died during a WWE Pay-Per-View event while attempting to perform a stunt. Hart planned to make his ring entrance by being lowered on a rope attached to a safety harness, but the harness broke, dropping Hart nearly 80 feet to the ring below, where he hit his head on a turnbuckle. The Pay-Per-View match continued even after Hart was pronounced dead.

2002: Richard Sumner, a British artist suffering from schizophrenia, mysteriously disappeared in 2002. Three years later, his skeleton was discovered handcuffed to a tree in a remote forest in Wales. Police investigators determined the death was a suicide, with Sumner securing himself with handcuffs and throwing the keys out of reach. (See, now that would have made a great painting.)

2003: Pizza delivery man Brian Wells was killed by a time bomb which was fastened around his neck. He was apprehended by the police after robbing a bank, and claimed he had been forced to do it by men who put the bomb around his neck and threatened to kill him if he refused. The bomb later exploded, killing him. (I hoped the cops questioned Flava Flav about this.)

2003: Brandon Vedas died of a drug overdose while engaged in an Internet chat, as shown on his webcam. ("OMG, 4ril?!)

2003: Timothy Treadwell, an American environmentalist who had lived in the Alaskan wilderness among brown bears for thirteen summers, was killed and partially consumed by a bear, along with his girlfriend Amie Huguenard. The incident is described in Werner Herzog's documentary film Grizzly Man.

2005: Kenneth Pinyan of Seattle died of acute peritonitis (a lot of that going around) after engaging in anal sex with a stallion. Pinyan delayed his visit to the hospital for several hours out of fear of arrest. The case led to the criminalization of bestiality in Washington. His story was recounted in the 2007 documentary film Zoo. ("If a horse is the source of your intercourse, try to endorse a course of less force...")

2005: 28-year-old South Korean, Lee Seung Seop, collapsed of fatigue and died after playing Starcraft for almost 50 consecutive hours in an Internet cafe. (PWN3D!!!!!)

2006: Mariesa Weber, a 5'3" Florida woman, fell behind a 6' tall bookcase in her family's home and suffocated. She was not discovered for 11 days; her family thought she had been kidnapped. (They obviously don't read much.)

2007: Jennifer Strange, a 28-year-old woman from Sacramento, California, died of water intoxication while trying to win a videogame system in a contest held by a local radio station. The contest, called "Hold Your Wee for a Wii," involved drinking large quantities of water without urinating. Strange placed second. (But received an A+ for effort.)

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