They're German? No way.
Rock & mutherfuckin' roll, bitches!
Monday, May 3, 2010
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Dear University Alumni Office
Date: 2010-02-26, 11:35AM PST
Dear University Alumni Office,
I'm sorry to hear that the university's $750 million endowment has fallen in value to $500 million because of the recession and because your bank died. I'm also sorry to hear that you're dealing with declining enrollment due to the fact that middle-class families are no longer willing or able to bet their homes on a $45,000-a-year higher education for their children. I really am.
So, what I want to know is, why are you wasting money on glossy fundraising brochures full of meaningless synonyms for the word "Excellence"? And, why are you sending them to ME?
Yes, I know that I got a master's degree at your fine institution, but that master's degree hasn't done jack shit for me since I got it! I have been unemployed for the past TWO YEARS and I am now a professional resume-submitter, sending out dozens of resumes a month to employers, and the degree I received in your hallowed halls is at the TOP OF IT and it doesn't do a fucking thing.
You know, maybe if you wanted a little bit of money from me (and these days you'd get about $3) maybe you should send me a fancy color brochure admitting your role in the bubble economics that got us all in to this mess.
For example, since 1987, higher education expenses have gone up 450 percent, while personal income in this country has gone up 87 percent, making tuition IMPOSSIBLE to afford without special financing. But, during this time, you were thriving because people could come up with the cash in two ways:
1. Get a home equity loan and use the inflated value of their house to pay for their kid to get drunk and/or raped at your school and then lose the house when the market crashed.
2. Get a federal loan.
HAD IT OCCURRED TO YOU THAT NEITHER OF THESE SOURCES OF MONEY ACTUALLY EXIST? THAT IT WAS BEING MANUFACTURED BECAUSE YOU MADE PEOPLE THINK THAT ONE OF YOUR DEGREES WAS NECESSARY TO CLIMB TO THE TOP OF THE BUBBLE?
Oh yes, federal loans. I've got $40,000 of those, which are in "forebearance" right now because I'm unemployed, meaning that the feds are paying the interest for a while, which is convenient for me, but not for our government which is now owned by China.
You know, the idea behind federal loans was that it would allow more students to attend your university, not let you INFLATE your tuition to obscene levels! I mean, what the fuck were you spending the $16,000 per semester on, anyway?
I was in a public policy program, so that meant we got to sit in classrooms and listen to Professor God up at the front of the lecture hall glorify Himself and Creation as He saw it and talk about how much smarter he was than anyone else and how much he'd learned at MIT and the RAND Corporation.
Really, that's about all you did for us -- gave us a lecture hall, gave us an arrogant bastard to listen to, and gave us a room full of computers we could use sometimes, and you gave us a degree that employers look at and say "This guy knows how to write reports. Amusing." And I will be paying for this privilege until I am 51 years old.
So I'm sorry that the economy's been rough on you. Maybe, if you wanted to save a little money, you could stop printing and sending brochures to my parents' house (oh yeah, that's where I live because I can't afford rent on ANYTHING).
And, maybe I'll donate a little bit of money to you in 2030, when I get the loans for your imaginary education PAID OFF!
I love the state fair for two reasons:
It's hard to resist the corn dogs, funnel cakes and caramel apples (with nuts), even even when you know you'll end up sicker than Templeton the rat, ready to hork your guts out on the Tempest, which is exactly what two drunk women did at the Griffin (GA) Fair one time when I was a kid. Every time the ride tilted our way, my sister and I had to lift our feet to avoid the vomit cascading our way. Then the car would tilt the other way and off went the vomit, then back, then away, then back. That was fun.
Speaking of vomit, check out this nasty shit. I might try the bacon, but that's it. Okay, maybe the Krispy Kreme thing, but only one bite.
From LVGurl and Delish.com.
Hot Beef Sundae
(Iowa State Fair)
Touted as comfort food at its finest, the hot beef sundae is a generous helping of buttery mashed potatoes surrounded by slow-roasted roast beef and gravy, sprinkled with Cheddar cheese, and garnished with a cherry tomato. It may look like a sundae, but this baby is all Sunday dinner.
(Indiana State Fair)
This tidy, highly portable riff on the pizza slice consists of a cone-shaped pizza crust filled with cheese, pepperoni, sausage, and Red Gold® tomato sauce, all baked in an oven. And just like an ice cream cone, the cheesy treat comes wrapped in its own paper sleeve for on-the-go handheld ease.
Chicken Fried Bacon
(Texas State Fair)
This ode to bacon won the award for Best Taste at the 2008 Big Tex Choice Awards. Creator Glen Kusak had been a fair vendor for 12 years running, but 2008 marked his first year entering the annual State Fair of Texas food contest.Krispy Kreme Chicken Sandwich
(California State Fair)
Who said Californians eat only healthy food? This artery-clogger features a fried chicken patty topped with Swiss cheese all tucked inside a sliced Krispy Kreme Original Glazed doughnut. To enhance the sweet-and-savory effect, the sandwich is served with a side of Smucker's honey sauce.
(Texas State Fair)
Hold on to your hats, folks. Beverages have entered the deep-fried-delicacy ring. (We were scratching our heads, too.) Fried Coke is actually Coca-Cola-flavored batter that's been deep-fried and garnished with Coca-Cola syrup, whipped cream, and cinnamon-sugar. Abel Gonzales Jr. won Most Creative for this concoction at the 2006 State Fair of Texas.
Spaghetti and Meatball on a Stick
(Minnesota State Fair)
Ever the innovators of food on a stick, this year fair vendors will offer more than 60 varieties. Spaghetti and meatball on a stick begins with a mash-up of meatball mix and cooked spaghetti. The mixture is formed into balls, dipped in garlic batter, deep-fried, and finished with marinara sauce.
(See the rest at Delish)