Friday, April 30, 2010

Commercials Of The Day: Evita

Lefty sez:

I watched Transporter 3 this weekend on HBO. Totally rocked. After that the tv drifted on to Evita, the musical story of Eva Peron as played by Madonna. That made me think of the original Broadway commercial which I most likely saw on cable in my misspent youth.


That made me think of Slim Whitman and SCTV.


SCTV was kind of spotty at best, but when they were good, they were really good. I've watched this about 5 times recently and it makes me laugh without fail. I can't even see Mandy Patinkin singing that without expecting him to spike it into a yodel. I think Joe Flaherty could go on tour as a Slim Whitman Impersonator.


Asshole E-Mail Of The Day: Horse Farm

From E-Mails From An Asshole.


Horse Farm

Original ad (7/14/09):

I am a 18 year old looking for a summer job. it is hard for me to find work and I just want a job so I can afford a car for college next summer. I can clean, babysit, answer phones, pretty much whatever as long as it pays!!


From Mike Anderson to Stephanie @***********.org

Hey, I saw your ad looking for work and I think I have a job for you! I am looking for an assistant on my farm for the summer. It will involve working outdoors. Let me know if you are interested. Mike

From Stephanie to Mike (me):

Hi Mike! I am interested in your job! I love animals and used to ride horses so a farm would be great! what kind of work would I be doing, and where is your farm located? it needs to be close to ******** so my parents can drop me off and pick me up

From Mike to Stephanie:

Stephanie,

It is very close to **********. I'm glad to hear you are familiar with horses, because you will be primarily working with horses.

My farm gets all the old horses that other farms don't need anymore, and they are starting to take up a lot of room in my stable, which I want to turn into a garage for my new truck. Therefore, the horses need to go. As my assistant, you will be in charge of killing the horses and dumping them in the lake behind my farm.

I used to have a captive bolt pistol (cattle gun) that I used to put them down, but it broke when I tried to use it to tap a keg. You'll probably have to use my 12-gauge shotgun to put them down. Sometimes they don't die right away when you shoot them, and will start freaking out. You just have to stay calm and keep shooting. Don't worry, I'll show you how to use the shotgun if you aren't familiar with one.

You then need to use my chainsaw to cut the horses into smaller parts that you can carry down to the lake. It can get a little messy, so I suggest wearing some clothes that you don't care about, or some clothes that the horse blood would compliment.

The lake isn't mine, it is my neighbor's. He gets kind of angry when he sees me dumping dead horses in his lake, so you have to make sure he isn't around when you do it. I have some cinderblocks you can use to weigh the horses down so he won't see them.

I have a lot of horses, and each horse takes about an hour and a half to dispose of, so you should have plenty of work. The job will pay $15 an hour. When can you start?

Mike

From Stephanie to Mike:

omg that is HORRIBLE! That is truely awful and sick!! Why cant you just give the poor horses away? sorry but I am not helping you slaughter horses!!!

From Mike to Stephanie:

Stephanie, I'm sorry if you are a bit surprised, but this is how farms work. You can't give away old horses, you have to kill them. I thought about it, and if you don't want to use the chainsaw to cut up the horses, you can just use my truck to drag them down to the lake. Do you have your license or permit? If not, this could be good driving practice for you. You don't want to pass up on this great job opportunity.

Mike

From Stephanie to Mike:

No that is not how farms work you are just SICK! I am NOT interested

From Mike to Stephanie:

Stephanie you are going to regret this some day when you try to get a real job. I think this would look great on your resume.


News Story Of The Day: My Grandson And I Are Having A Baby

And you think your family is screwy. Good luck getting through this one without horking.

Link from Mike M. Thanks (?). Are we sure this isn't from The Onion?


"I'm in love with my grandson and we're having a baby"




New Idea Magazine--Pearl Carter is positively glowing with joy. She has a handsome new boyfriend, is enjoying an active sex life after many years of celibacy and, amazingly, is preparing to become a mother again.

But the retired grandmother isn't carrying the baby herself. She and her young lover have spent a staggering $54,000 hiring a surrogate to help them with their dreams of having a child.

What makes Pearl's decision to become a mum again even more shocking is that her new boyfriend is her biological grandson, 26-year-old Phil Bailey. Phil is the son of Pearl's daughter Lynette Bailey, and the pair is braving public horror and even prison by breaking one of the last taboos – incest.

However, the pair makes no apologies for their controversial plan to start their own family.

'I'm not interested in anyone else's opinion,' Pearl says. 'I am in love with Phil and he's in love with me. Soon I'll be holding my son or daughter in my arms and Phil will be the proud dad'.

Phil adds, 'I love Pearl with all my heart. I've always been attracted to older women and I think Pearl is gorgeous. Now I'm going to be a dad and I can't wait.

'Yes, we get laughed at and bullied when we go out and kiss in public but we don't care. You can't help who you fall for.

Pearl was 18 when she fell pregnant with daughter Lynette. She was living with her Catholic parents in Indiana and they insisted she give the baby away, so as not to bring the family into disrepute.

They organised a private adoption and Pearl never again saw her baby girl. Pearl went on to marry, but she never had any more children. Instead she searched for her lost daughter until finally giving up hope 15 years ago.

(Story continues here)



Chicks Suck at SFX (Vid Of The Day)

Which is fine, because a dude can make his own sound effects, but he can't give himself a BJ.

Not that some haven't tried.



Vid Of The Day: Brother

"I learned how to French kiss."
"You did?"
"Yeah. Daddy says I'm the best."



8 People Who Will Ruin Your Party (Of The Day)

"I'm sorry I ruined your Black Panther party." - Forrest Gump

From HolyTaco.


8. Person Who Insists On Cleaning Up Your Party While It’s Still Going On

WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM
Right in front of you, asking if your drink is finished. Or, methodically moving through the party with a white trash bag and a look on their face as if they’ve been hunting Osama Bin Laden for the last 6 years and have narrowed down his whereabouts to somewhere in this party.

WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY
Drinking a beer, much like sex, is far less enjoyable when someone is asking you if you’re finished every five minutes. It’s great that they want to help you clean up, but if you’ve decided to have a party, you’ve already resigned yourself to the fact that when it’s over, your house is going to probably look like the bathroom where Cary Elwes and Danny Glover wake up in the first Saw movie.


7. Guy Who Gets Wasted In The First Hour

WHERE YOU WILL FIND HIM:
Right by the fridge, bro, cause that’s where all the beer is!

HOW HE WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY:
From the moment this guy shows up, everything he says has an exclamation point at the end of it. “This party rules, dude!” “I am ready to party TO-night!” “Let’s shotgun these, bro!” “Tits!” Then, one hour and 13 beers later this guy is incoherent, weaving on his feet and saying stuff like “Paartyyyygjlskdvm…” So, instead of kicking back and hanging out with your friends, you have to spend the rest of the night making sure he doesn’t puke on your couch.


6. Person Who Only Knows You

WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM:
About two feet to the right of you, standing silently, staring at either you or the person you’re talking to.

WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY:
You invited them because during the four and a half minutes a day you talk to them at work, they seem pretty cool and/or really enjoy the impression you do of a fellow coworker. Except as soon as they get to your party, they tense up like Alex Rodriguez’s asshole during a game in October. You have two options at this point, 1) entertain them and include them in every conversation you have the entire night, or 2) leave them on their own, which leads to them standing in a corner by themselves, staring at you, causing your friends to ask you “I think that dude in the corner is planning on raping you.”


5. Crying Girl

WHERE YOU WILL FIND HER:
She’s usually holed up in the bathroom (taking up valuable toilet space) with three of her bestest girlfriends.

HOW SHE WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY:
The worst part is that this girl isn’t crying because her parents just died or she lost a limb. She’s sobbing into a fistful of tissues because she always needs to be the center of attention. If everyone’s not focused on her and all her problems, she just starts crying louder about her job or some lame guy who won’t date her. If possible, pair her up with the super wasted guy. She’ll think he’s listening and he’ll think he’s going to score.


4. Person Who Just Got Dumped By Their Girlfriend/ Boyfriend

WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM:
In any corner where they were able to trap and force someone to listen to them talk about how they “don’t know what happened,” and how it “seemed like things were fine and then all of a sudden she just said that she thought that we were different people now. What does that even mean? My name’s Brian by the way.”

WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY:
If I wanted people to get depressed as fuck at my party, I’d screen a copy of Schlindler’s List. The problem with these people is, they don’t care who they talk to, and no excuse you give will stop them from talking to you. “Hey, I gotta run to the bathroom,” “No worries, I’ll just wait for you until your done, unlike my EX girlfriend, who wouldn’t wait no matter HOW important it was to go to the bathroom and would just leave you with NOTHING while you were in there.”


3. Creepy Dude Who Tries To Bang Chicks At The Very End Of The Party

WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM:
Towards the end of the party, he’ll be wherever he hears the words “I can’t believe my friends left without me, they were my ride!” or “I’m so (hiccup) fucked up (hiccup) I gotta lay down or something.”

WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY:
There’s a reason why this dude waits till the end of the party to try and score; he’s way too fucking creepy to do so when someone isn’t in some sort of desperate situation. You just have to hope to God he doesn’t take advantage of someone, otherwise your party will not be remembered as “that rockin' Fourth of July party at Bill’s house,” but instead be remembered as “that party at Bill’s house where that creepy guy tried to fingerbang Michele while she was puking.”


2. Couple Who Brings Their Baby

WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM:
Off to the side, on their knees, pleading with a 6 month old child to stop screaming, or right next to you, asking you where he can dispose of a shit-filled diaper.

WHY THEY WILL RUIN THEIR PARTY:
Nothing says party like the sound of a screaming child and the stench of talcum powder and baby diarrhea! If there was a dude puking, shitting and crying at your party, would you be cool with that? No, you’d either be like “Who the fuck brought this guy?” But if you say that about a baby suddenly that makes you an asshole. Meanwhile, the party sucks because everyone is being super-cautious and attentive to the baby, as if the other 99% of the time that they’re not there the baby is barely eluding death due to unsupervision.


1. Politics Guy

WHERE YOU WILL FIND HIM:
At the beginning of the night he usually stands right next to the front door where he overtly shows off his political button or T-shirt that says something like “Once You Go Barack, You Won’t Go Back” or “McCain = McStupid.” Then, after everyone shows up, he stealthily mingles from group to group while nonchalantly dropping lines like “Did you see what those fatcats tried to pull?” anytime there’s a lull in the conversation.

HOW HE WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY:
No one in the history of parties has ever changed their political beliefs based on some asshole screaming about health care reform in the kitchen of a two bedroom apartment. His endlessly tiresome factoids and statistics about how much oil we consume and how the death penalty doesn’t work will make your guests either leave or kill themselves where they stand.


Who else?

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