I'm Cary from LOTD and I approve this message.
Thanks for the link, Seth.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
I laughed at this because it's true. I totally remember everyone who threw up at school. I also remember the boy who farted in class in 3rd grade (Mark Munday) and a 6th-grade girl (Laura something) who got her period during recess and ran screaming into the school like a scene from Carrie. I especially remember the kid who crapped his pants in 2nd grade (George Green) and left his dirty underwear in the boys' bathroom. No one would have known if the teacher hadn't made a federal case out of it and embarrassed the poor schmo in front of the entire class. Even at 7 you know that's not right.
From The Onion.
Everyone Still Remembers Time You Threw Up In 5th Grade
CHICAGO—Even now, more than 20 years after the humiliating childhood incident took place, everyone still gleefully recalls the time you got sick and projectile-vomited right in the middle of your fifth-grade class, sources reported Tuesday.
While you believed it to be a small, inconsequential event, all but forgotten about by those involved, sources confirmed that everybody still vividly remembers every single detail about that embarrassing day, from the frozen look of horror on your pale face, to the pungent stench of semi-digested tuna wafting through the halls.
"Oh, yeah, definitely. The kid who barfed all over his desk," said a former fifth-grade classmate of yours, who can still instantly recall the disgusting guttural sound you made moments before becoming ill. "Of course I remember."
"Pukerman," he added, referring to an old pejorative nickname you thought had long ago faded from everyone's memory. "We used to call him Pukerman."
According to sources, every image—from your failed attempt to run to the bathroom in time, to your teacher's frantic cries for more paper towels, to the way some of the vomit splattered onto neighboring desks and chairs, sending the entire classroom into a mass panic—remains as clear in the minds of people today as it did more than two decades ago.
In fact, some classmates, including that girl you used to have a crush on when you were 10, will very likely never forget the sight of you crying and babbling incoherently while your teacher attempted to clean off your face with the sleeve of your shirt.
"It went everywhere," said another former classmate of yours, who you had always just assumed had stopped talking about the embarrassing incident ages ago, but who instead continues to bring up the now 23-year-old story, laughing just as loudly and just as cruelly as he did back then. "And it was purple. Really dark purple."
(Story continues at The Onion)
65 MILLION B.C.
“Fuck sweaters, man. We’re dinosaurs; ain’t a little ice gonna mess with us, bro.”
“Here, Adam, try a bite of this shiny round fruit! It’s delicious!”
“Hector! Paris! Check out this sweet wooden horse!”
“Some kid named David with a slingshot? I don’t need a helmet. It’ll just mess up my hair.”
“Henry VIII might not have got along with his first four wives, but I think I can change him.”
“Check it out, Prances Like Elk, these stupid palefaces gave us all these dynamite trinkets, and all we have to do is give them Manhattan!”
“Who’s up for a land war in Asia? Moi!”
“Mary Todd, what do you say we see what’s playing down at Ford’sTheatre?”
“If we all run straight at the Injuns, this day will go down in history as Custer’s Ass-Kicking Stand!”
“Ooh, right there, Alois Hitler. Leave the condom off.”
“Don't clutter the deck with too many lifeboats. We’re unsinkable, baby!”
“The Yankees will pay how much for him? Sell!”
“Here’s the cure for all of America’s problems: Prohibition.”
“You know what would beat the hell out of taking the train? Zeppelins.”
“C’mon, Emperor, let’s bomb Pearl Harbor. What’s neutral America going to do about it?”
“The Beatles? Sorry, we here at Decca Records know that guitar music is on the way out.”
“I hate taking notes. Let’s just use a tape recorder.”
“Hey, Yoko, what say we get a place in Manhattan?”
“Woody, can you baby-sit Soon-Yi tonight?”
“Indiana Jones? Tom, you have a contract for Magnum P.I. And that, my friend, is your ticket to the stars!”
ABC execs to Bill Cosby: “Viewers won’t watch an unrealistic portrayal of blacks as wealthy, well-educated professionals.”
“Show ’em you’re tough–put this helmet on, Mr. Dukakis.”
“Well, Mr. Coppola, if we can’t get Winona Ryder, maybe your daughter Sofia could play the Corleone girl.”
“Can we book Roseanne to sing the national anthem?”
“Let’s make a car that gets four miles per gallon. Gas is cheap!”
“God, I am so horny. Get me a fat chick. Fat chicks never talk.”
“All I have to do is flash my boobs for a free T-shirt? I’m sold! This will never come back to haunt me!”
“Football + wrestling = gold mine!”
“Low-cut jeans for everyone!”
“Let’s cast Affleck and J.Lo together and name the movie something no one can pronounce, like Gigli. We’ll be printing money, people!”
“And then, just to really wow ’em, I’ll stand in front of a giant mission accomplished banner.”
“So listen, I’ve got this great idea for the halftime show at the Super Bowl…”
“I know what will take my post-Seinfeld career into the stratosphere—stand-up comedy!”
“We plant a bunch of bomb-looking Adult Swim characters throughout Boston, but don’t tell the cops. People will tune in in droves!”
“Before we hit the club, let me tuck this unregistered, loaded handgun into the waist of my loose-fitting sweatpants.”
“You know what’d be so badass? Instead of reading the oath of office at the inauguration, I’ll memorize it!”
“Mike, if you really want a good night’s sleep, try surgical-strength sedatives.”
“Honey, inflate the giant silver balloon. I know how to land us a reality show.”
“Tiger, have you thought about getting an unlimited texting plan?”
“Let’s keep Conan on the air while we figure out what to do with The Tonight Show. He’s not going to make NBC look like idiots or anything."