Thursday, April 15, 2010

Asshole E-Mails Of The Day: Barter (NSFW)

So wrong. So funny. From E-Mails From An Asshole. Lots of nasty language here, so proceed at your own risk.



Barter My Whore Wife
6/12/09

(This one was a little tricky. If you didn't figure it out, I am both Mike Anderson and Kira Anderson.)

Original ad:

i am looking to trade/barter my 1994 Jeep Wrangler. 140k miles, yellow, good condition. NO CASH. I will barter just about anything of equal value!

From Mike Anderson to **********@***********.org CC: Kira Anderson

Hey,

I saw your ad for a '94 Wrangler for barter. I will trade you my whore of a wife for that car. She is a dirty little slut that fucks just about anything that moves. She doesn't really have much to offer, so I figure she is worth about the price of a used 1994 wrangler. I understand if you think she isn't worth it, so I am willing to throw in $200 cash on top of that. If you are looking for a loose whore that will give it up easily, my wife will be well worth the trade. Let me know if you are interested. Does the Wrangler come with a title?

From Jim ***** to Me

Ha ha! Very funny. I am married and don't think I would be interested in your wife. Thanks for the offer though!

From Kira Anderson to Me, Jim *****

OH FUCK YOU MIKE!! DROP FUCKING DEAD!!! YOU ARE SUCH A SCUMBAG PIECE OF SHIT I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!

From Mike Anderson to Kira Anderson, Jim *****

Fuck YOU, you stupid cunt! What are you doing on the computer? I figured you were fucking Steve again. Or how about our neighbor? I'm sure he's looking to stick his dick in some rotten pussy. You fucking twat.

From Kira Anderson to Me, Jim *****

MIKE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE THIS IS IT. DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING HOME TODAY BECAUSE ILL BE WAITING WITH A FUCKIN KNIFE

From Mike Anderson to Kira Anderson, Jim *****

Ooh I'm real fucking scared. It might be kind of hard to stab me with 10 inches of black dick in your mouth you fucking WHORE

From Jim ***** to Me, Kira Anderson

Hey you two sound like a great couple and all, but could you stop including me in these e-mails? I really don't think this concerns me.

From Kira Anderson to Mike Anderson, Jim *****

TELL YOU WHAT JIM ILL BUY YOUR FUCKING WRANGLER SO I CAN RUN OVER MY PIECE OF SHIT HUSBAND WITH IT

From Mike Anderson to Jim *****, Kira Anderson

Jim don't sell it to her. She'll probably pick up a random dude and crash the jeep while she's sucking his dick.

From Kira Anderson to Mike Anderson, Jim *****

FUCK YOU

From Jim ***** to Me, Kira Anderson

Will both of you shut the fuck up and stop e-mailing me? Jesus christ man c'mon!

Vid Of The Day: Bollocks

He'd probably just used the ball washer.


Criminal Of The Day: Happy

Fuckin' clowns. From T-Nova.


Ogden cops send out clown posse

The Salt Lake Tribune (2/26/10)

It's not every day a clown breaks into your home, tosses a blanket over you and then scampers off with your computer.

That was the story Ogden police got when they went to investigate a burglary and theft, though. One of the suspects literally looked like a rather scary harlequin -- and detectives know who they are looking for: a career petty criminal with the street name of "Happy."

Lt. Scott Sangberg said Thursday that Happy, or rather Tony Alexander Pete, 43, is an Ogden street person sporting permanently tattooed "clown eyes" and a "clown mouth."

Sangberg said Pete now is being sought in a break-in and burglary late Wednesday in the 400 block of 21st Street. A second man, described by the witness only as Latino, also was thought involved.

The victim told police that he was asleep about 7:30 p.m. when he was awakened to find the pair standing over him. At first, the men yelled that they were cops, then threw the blanket over him.

"The guy said he could still see from under the blanket though, and he described one of them as having 'clown eyes.' "[The victim] said he knew him as 'Happy,' because he had been staying there with him until recently," Sangberg said.

Anyone with information on Pete's whereabouts can call the Ogden Police Department at 801-629-8221.


"Caption This" Photo Of The Day




Let 'er rip, tater chip.


Drunk Dumbass Of The Day: Steve

You fixin' to get lit up, Steve.

No, this is not Steve Hatchett, but it could be. This is right up his alley.


Misheard Lyrics Of The Day

Some selections from The Archive Of Misheard Lyrics (KissThisGuy.com), a site that invites readers to send in their misheard lyrics and any amusing details about the error. The URL is based on the frequently misheard lyrics of Jimi Hendrix's Purple Haze: "'scuse me, while I kiss the sky."

Here are 21 of my favorites. The site has hundreds more, so check it out.


Song: Addicted To Love by Robert Palmer
Misheard Lyric: Might as well face it, you're a dick with a glove
Correct Lyric: Might as well face it, you're addicted to love
Story: I thought that it was a song about Michael Jackson and I asked a friend if he had heard this song. He had me recite the lyrics. He laughed at me for days.

Song: Centerfold by J Geils Band
Misheard Lyric: My anus is the center hole
Correct Lyric: My angel is a centerfold
Story: Actually, I read this misheard lyric in a magazine while on lunch break one day. I showed it to a co-worker and we laughed so hard that he started crying and I fell out of my chair and almost pissed myself. I just want to know how many holes this person has.

Song: Losing My Religion by R.E.M.
Misheard Lyric: Let's pee in the corner, let's pee in the spotlight...
Correct Lyric: That's me in the corner, that's me in the spotlight...

Song: Bohemian Rhapsody
Misheard Lyric: The algebra has a devil for a sidekick, heeeee...
Correct Lyric: Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me...
Story: Singing at the top of my lungs (off key & voice cracking) into my boyfriend's ear. When he recovered from his attack of hysteria, he told me the real words. Think I had a problem with math? I still sing this version.

Song: Summer Of '69 by Bryan Adams
Misheard Lyric: Got my first real sex dream, I was five at the time, played it till my fingers bled, was the summer of '69
Correct Lyric: Got my first real six-string, bought it at the five-and-dime, played it till my fingers bled, was the summer of '69
Story: I think this version is much more interesting.

Song: Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana
Misheard Lyric: Here we are now, in containers...
Correct Lyric: Here we are now, entertain us...

Song: Blinded By The Light by Manfred Mann (originally by Bruce Springsteen)
Misheard Lyric: Wrapped up like a douche, another rumor in the night
Correct Lyric: Revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night
Story: I kept thinking to myself....what the hell does a douche have to do with rumors??? I asked a friend and she laughed so hard she turned purple.

Song: Livin' On A Prayer by Bon Jovi
Misheard Lyric: You got to hold on to what you got, it doesn't make a difference if we're naked or not
Correct Lyric: You got to hold on to what you got, it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not

Song: Gettin' Jiggy With It by Will Smith
Misheard Lyric: Kick a chicken with it
Correct Lyric: Gettin' jiggy with it
Story: My cousin heard me singing it and died laughing, then she clued me in to my dismay, all that time I thought I had the words right but didn't understand the meaning, like it was a slang meaning. Boy did I feel stupid.

Song: Blowin' In The Wind by Bob Dylan
Misheard Lyric: The ants are my friends, they're blowin' in the wind, the ants are a-blowin' in the wind
Correct Lyric: The answer, my friends, is blowin' in the wind, the answer is blowin' in the wind

Song: Mysterious Ways by U2
Misheard Lyric: Shamu, the mysterious whale
Correct Lyric: She moves in mysterious ways


Song: Ghostbusters by Ray Parker, Jr.
Misheard Lyric: Who ya gonna call? Those bastards!
Correct Lyric: Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!
Story: It was my dad, actually. He phoned a radio station to complain that they were playing this!

Song: Take Me Home, Country Roads by John Denver
Misheard Lyric: West Virginia, mount yer momma
Correct Lyric: West Virginia, mountain momma
Story: I Heard the remix for 2 weeks on holiday, and decided to sing it at Karaokee in our hotel. Unfortunately this was a family event, the mike was cut, and I was informed that this kind of behaviour would not be tolerated.

Song: Addicted To Love by Robert Palmer
Misheard Lyric: Might as well face it, you're a dickhead in love
Correct Lyric: Might as well face it, you're addicted to love

Song: Desperado by The Eagles
Misheard Lyric: You've been downright offensive for so long now
Correct Lyric: You've been out riding fences for so long now
Story: It was actually my wife who was singing it and I've made her life misery ever since, which is easily 20 years ago.

Song: Closer by Nine Inch Nails
Misheard Lyric: I want a duck shaped like a triangle, you give a toaster to Bob
Correct Lyric: I want to fuck you like an animal, you get me closer to God
Story: I can't take credit for this moment of stupefying adolescent brilliance: it was the responsiblity of a long-lost friend at a summer camp. I think his rendition says much about the atmosphere of "alternative" rock in the mid-'90s, or something.

Song: We Build This City by Starship
Misheard Lyric: We built this city on the wrong damn road
Correct Lyric: We built this city on rock and roll
Story: This is what my friend Rachel thought it said

Song: My Hero by Foo Fighters
Misheard Lyric: There goes my hero, he's old and hairy
Correct Lyric: There goes my hero, he's ordinary
Story: This one comes courtesy of my grandma. Bless her, she's a little deaf.

Song: Can't Stop by Red Hot Chili Peppers
Misheard Lyric: Can't stop the ferrets when they need food
Correct Lyric: Can't stop the spirits when they need you
Story: i was singing it pretty loud at a party and its safe to say im still trying to live it down

Song: Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap by AC/DC
Misheard Lyric: Dirty deeds and they're done with sheep
Correct Lyric: Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap

Song: Like A Virgin by Madonna
Misheard Lyric: Like a virgin, touched for the thirty-first time
Correct Lyric: Like a virgin, touched for the very first time

Song: Michelle by The Beatles
Misheard Lyric: Michelle, Ma Bell, some say monkeys play piano well, play piano well
Correct Lyric: Michelle ma belle, sont des mots qui vont très bien ensemble, très bien ensemble.
Story: My sister and I were somberly singing along at the top of our lungs when my mom cracked up. Never occurred to us that it was another language.

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