Elliott asked for this one.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I love this song. So does my kid. We blast it in the car... and look even dorkier than this wanksta.
Gotta love dancing video chicks. How many of you ladies can dance like that? Seriously... who here has those kinda moves? I mean women, Frank, so save it.
Richard Gere's gerbil. Rod Stewart's stomach. Mama Cass' ham sandwich. Most of us grew up hearing the same celebrity rumors over and over again until we wondered if they might really be true.
Well, wonder no more; Nerve.com has compiled this handy list of the 40 top celebrity rumors of all time. I've posted on this topic in the past, but since Nerve writers actually get paid to write this stuff, their list is more exhaustive.
I'm not posting all 40, just some of the more interesting ones. To see the full list at Nerve, click the link at the end of the post.
List and copy by Nerve.com staff.
40. Kiddie idols meet grisly end
Did you hear that Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Mario Lopez (Zack and Slater from Saved by the Bell) died in a car accident? Starting around 1993, rumors of the stars' demise spread like wildfire across the nation's middle schools. Of course, the stars of Saved by the Bell are all doing fine, and have gone on to lucrative careers in amateur porn (Dustin Diamond), amateur dancing (Mario Lopez), and amateur porn-dancing (Elizabeth Berkeley).
38. Milton Berle had the biggest penis in Hollywood
You can die satisfied when your enormous penis has been mentioned, even tangentially, in the New Yorker. Milton Berle got that honor in a 2002 story about his Friars Club memorial roast, where comedian Freddie Roman remarked, "We are here to honor Milton Berle, who passed away on March 27th. On May 1st and May 2nd, his penis will be buried." The New Yorker story is a fitting homage to Berle's colossal member, whose existence was supposedly confirmed by Saturday Night Live writer Alan Zweibel. Zweibel claims Berle showed him the legendary appendage during rehearsals for Uncle Miltie's infamous 1979 guest-hosting appearance.
37. Stevie Nicks' alternate cocaine-delivery method
The rumor claims that Fleetwood Mac's gypsy songstress, hoping to spare her vocal cords from her severe blow habit, got a little rear-entry help from a coke-straw-bearing groupie. Nicks tends to be pretty forthright about her history of cocaine abuse, and she denies this story. But that doesn't mean that it didn't happen. We all know "Gold Dust Woman" was autobiographical, but maybe the phrase "roadie blowing coke up my ass" didn't fit the rhyme scheme.
36. Marisa Tomei won an Oscar by mistake
Many critics have their complaints about Marisa Tomei's Best Supporting Actress win for My Cousin Vinny in 1992 — so many, in fact, that a rumor materialized to explain it. According to lore, the presenter of the award, Jack Palance, couldn't read Vanessa Redgrave's name on the envelope and blurted out the name of the last nominee he had announced: Tomei. Journalist Steve Pond, who covers the Oscars for Premiere, invalidated the story when he wrote that Price-Waterhouse-Coopers representatives "have very clear instructions that if a presenter opens the envelope and says the wrong name, they are to walk on stage, stop the show and announce the correct winner."
31. Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy bearded for each other
Hepburn was a legendary tomboy, so it's easy to understand the popularity of the rumor that she was a lesbian, that her lover Tracy was gay, and that they were bearding for each other. According to William J. Mann's biography Kate: The Woman Who Was Hepburn, the actress was asexual, Tracy was probably very gay, and Hepburn was less his lover than his caretaker, though they had a strong nonsexual connection.
30. Keanu Reeves married David Geffen
In the mid-'90s, a French tabloid reported that Keanu Reeves, the actor of ambiguous sexuality, had married David Geffen, the gay mogul and philanthropist, in a secret ceremony. This turned out to be a blatant fabrication. Quipped syndicated gossip columnist Billy Masters, "Sources tell me that David is holding out for someone who can actually act."
27. Led Zeppelin violated a groupie with a fish
This tale from the briny depths of the '70s was first reported in Hammer of the Gods, the notoriously sordid 1985 Led Zeppelin bio based on the booze-soaked recollections of road manager Richard Cole. The book claims that Zep drummer John Bonham stuffed pieces of shark into a groupie's vagina, but Cole corrects himself in a more recent account on Snopes.com: "It wasn't Bonzo, it was me...it was a red snapper. Bonzo was in the room, but I did it. Mark Stein [of Vanilla Fudge] filmed the whole thing. And she loved it.... It was the nose of the fish, and that girl must have come twenty times."
26. Courteney Cox bleaches her cornhole
In these heady times, bleaching your anus for aesthetic reasons is totally normal. But in the early 2000s, anus-bleaching was still ever so slightly unusual. The late Talk magazine delivered an early report on the supposed celebrity craze in their October 2001 issue. E! Online columnist Ted Casablanca took up the cause earlier still, reporting in April 2000 that Lara Flynn Boyle was a bleacher. Jill Soloway, a writer and producer of Six Feet Under, continued the trend with her short story, "Courteney Cox's Asshole." Soloway narrates from the POV of Cox's imaginary personal assistant, who fields endless calls from tabloids about whether her boss bleaches. The story is fiction.
17. Marilyn Manson, sitcom star
Did Marilyn Manson have a rib removed so he could auto-fellate? Did he play nerdy Paul Pfeiffer on late-'80s sitcom The Wonder Years? Could Paul give himself a blowjob? This much we know: Manson was not on The Wonder Years. Josh Saviano played Kevin's best friend, and the ex-actor is alive and working as an attorney in NYC. In 2001 Saviano told Star that he didn't mind being mistaken for the rocker. "What would you rather have, people thinking you're a dorky kid from The Wonder Years or a Satanic rock star?" As for Manson, in his autobiography, The Long Hard Road Out of Hell, he remarks, "If I really got my ribs removed, I would have been busy sucking my own dick on The Wonder Years instead of chasing Winnie Cooper."
16. John Lennon had an affair with Brian Epstein
According to Albert Goldman's book, The Lives of John Lennon, the Beatle had an affair with the band's manager and close friend, Brian Epstein, from 1963 until Epstein's death in 1967. Two other authors, Peter Shotten and Hunter Davies, claimed that Lennon and Epstein had sex but not a long-term relationship. Lennon denied the rumor, telling Playboy in 1980 "it was never consummated, but we had a pretty intense relationship." Lennon's ex-wife Cynthia also refuted the claim in her memoir, John, saying, "[Like] most lads at the time, [John] was horrified by the idea of homosexuality."
11. Jamie Lee Curtis is intersex
Jamie Lee Curtis was born with a penis! An extra chromosome! We remember hearing these lines on the playground before we had any idea who Jamie Lee Curtis was. Curtis has never discussed her genital status, so let's consult a more entertaining source: the CHUD.com message boards. Writes one poster, "She has two XXs and a Y chromosome. She's all woman physically, but she can't have kids due to the genetic defect." (Curtis' two kids with Christopher Guest are adopted.) The bottom line? Who cares.
4. Mikey died from eating Pop Rocks and soda
Remember Mikey, the little advertising mascot kid who liked Life cereal? "Mikey likes it," and all that? Presumably, Mikey, though he liked Life cereal, was not as much a fan of exploding. Contrary to popular opinion, John "Mikey" Gilchrist did not explode after eating Pop Rocks and chugging a Coke, and the combo of Pop Rocks and soda isn't deadly — although it may cause you to lose your lunch. The rumor will probably never go away, but Mikey is alive and well.
3. Nancy Reagan was a blowjob queen
According to Kitty Kelley's biography, the future first lady "was renowned in Hollywood for performing oral sex." Back when she was Nancy Davis, the actress reportedly went down on many an actor "not only in the evening but in offices. That was one of the reasons that she was very popular on the MGM lot." You have to shift your conception of '80s conservatives around a little to buy this, but it's worth the effort.
See the rest at Nerve.com.
I liked last year's updated Star Trek, but this would've made it infinitely better.
A funny from TheMovieGuru and HowItShouldHaveEnded.com.
I once had to promote a made-for-cable movie about killer mutant rattlesnakes. This sounds better than that.
From Mr. Minimac.
Here Comes Sharktopus!
Syfy Channel has just greenlighted the long-awaited Sharktopus movie, to be directed by cult monster auteur Roger Corman. Will the sharktopus look like this concept design by Matt Leach? Sources inside Syfy say it will be way weirder.
Story continues here (io9.com).
He sleeps. He talks. He says crazy stuff, and his wife writes it down on the website, Sleep Talkin' Man.
She says: "My mild-mannered English husband Adam lives quite a colorful existence in his dreams. Having benefited from hours of delight at his dead-of-night musings, I thought it only fair to share them with the world."
Link from Rosie. Thanks, Rosie.
Some of Adam's musings:
"Cuff him! Arrest him! I don't care, that manatee is going down!"
"Green bananas. I've got lots and lots of green bananas. Really I've got lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of fucking bananas. Please somebody get rid of my green bananas!"
"Don't worry. I'll find it. That's what I do, find things. I find you annoying. See?"
"The grass on the other side of the fence: Burn it! It's not nice."
"You know, it's not easy being me. You should try it. I bet that after just five minutes, you'll then have an incredible healthy respect for how amazing I am."
"Ah, glass. My nemesis. One day, I shall beat you."
"Toilet showers! Convenient AND refreshing. Nice."
"I made snot pictures. I sneeze in my gallery, all day. Lots of different colours. Making bogey money."
"You've got to save the curtains! Save the curtains... They hold so many secrets."
"Windy in my hair. Don't bend over, you'll whistle."
"I want an elephant race, with hurdles and everything... Watch them jump over ditches. And we can stick little dogs on top as jockeys. Doggie jockeys."
"Of course blue dogs are more expensive. Pink dogs are shite."
"Good morning. I just wanted to be the first person to call you a twat. Enjoy your day."
"Cheese and pineapple on a toothpick... Why?!"
"Stand further away. You can't possibly appreciate my greatness this close up."
"You think cooking pasta is cooking? It's just boiling water, Numb Nuts!"
"They're guinea pig kisses. Weeweeweeweeweeweeweewee in my ear! Eat the fuckers. They're tastier that way."
"If you weren't such a fucking prick, you'd be a decent person."
"Just hold that thought for a seriously long, rectum-pinchingly time."
"Why don't you stand in fuck-up corner. You can stay there 'til, I don't know, I-don't-give-a-shit-about-you 'o clock."
"Hmmm, feathers in your armpits. Tickle yourself stupid."
"Awesomeness now has a name. Let me introduce myself."
"Really? If you can pee that high, DEFINITELY join the fire brigade. Yah."
"She's knitting me a jumper. Fuck! I don't want to be a social outcast. Oh, not good."
See more at Sleep Talkin' Man.