Ouch. From a couple of nights ago.
And a promo for the New New Tonight Show With Jay Leno.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
From E-Mails From An Asshole. The guy kills me.
Trustworthy and reliable pet sitter available in the area to watch your pets. Your pet will be in good hands and treated with care while you are away. Rates vary - email to discuss.
Hey, I am away on vacation with my girlfriend for two weeks and completely forgot about her pet fish. Would you be able to go to my house and feed him every day? Normally I wouldn't let a stranger go into my house, but I am desperate and you seem trustworthy. What is your rate? I can pay you online via PayPal, or just give you cash when I get back.
Of course I can take care of your fish but I have a few questions first:
- Where do you live? Is there a spare key/garage code/whhatever so I can get in?
- What kind of fish is it and how big is the tank? (If it is a small fish bowl then I can care for the fish at my house)
- Any special instructions for feeding the fish?
My rate for small pets such as fish is $10 per day. Feel free to call me if you wish to discuss this over the phone. My number is 610-***-****.
I live at 211 ******* St (near the Acme shopping center). The fish is a guppy but it lives in a 55 gallon tank, so you probably can't move it. It just needs one pinch of fish food in the morning and at night (in the jar above the tank).
I don't have a spare key or garage code, so you are going to have to break a window to get in. I have a garden in the backyard where you can find a rock. I would prefer if you didn't break any of the front windows because they are new. I'd suggest breaking the kitchen window in the back of the house.
Now when the window breaks, the alarm is probably going to go off. I think the alarm code is 1988, but I'm not entirely sure. It is protocol for the alarm company to send the police when a window is broken, so just tell the police that I hired you to take care of my fish.
When can you be over there? I haven't fed the fish in over a day so I am sure he is really hungry.
What? That is crazy - I'm not gonna smash a window!
Why don't you feel comfortable breaking a window? Don't worry, I was going to get that window replaced with a wall anyway so my girlfriend can't look outside while she is doing the dishes. If you are afraid that you aren't strong enough to break the window, I have a sledgehammer in my shed. The shed is in the backyard and is unlocked. It is on the wall with the shotguns. You can easily break any window with that thing.
I almost forgot, if the police come, I need you to hide some weed and a bong that I left on the kitchen counter. Just put the weed in your pocket so they don't notice it when they are talking to you about the alarm, and maybe stuff some flowers in the bong so they think it is a vase.
I don't feel right smashing your window bc how would I explain that to the police? And now you want me to hide your drugs? Do you want me to go to jail? Think about what you want me to do and then ask yourself if you would do it in my situation.. I don't think you would!
Think about how Gary (the guppy) feels right now. He is starving, and will most likely die if someone doesn't feed him soon. How selfish of you to put your own interests before the life of another. Please, just do it for Gary. If he dies, my girlfriend is going to be pissed at me. The last time I accidentally killed one of her pets, she wouldn't have sex with me for a month. Do you know how expensive it is to pay an escort service for sex? Please don't make me go through that again.
If you are afraid of the police, I'll understand. I have a criminal record too, so I get why you don't want to deal with them. How about you smash the window, run in, feed the fish, and run out before they get there? It will probably take them at least five minutes to respond to the alarm.
No! You are an idiot! I don't have a criminal record you damn moron and I plan on keeping it that way. Don't try to guilt me about your fish because its your own stupid fault for forgetting about him! Just explain to your gf that you are a jackass and forgot to take care of the fish!
When we get back home and I find the dead fish, I'll have no choice but to explain to my girlfriend that I hired you to take care of the fish and you let him die. I will give her your phone number and let you two sort things out.
Don't you fucking dare you stupid mother fucker!
12 10 senior citizens have given us many years of entertainment, societal contributions, and the heebie-jeebies. From Maxim.com.
Take Rue McClanahan's hair, Carrot Top's comic stylings, Liberace's wardrobe, and then sprinkle generously with bat shit craziness, and you've got Rip Taylor, the "king of confetti," who is also king of our nightmares. The only difference with Nightmare Rip is that when we wake up, he goes away.
The only thing grosser than an old person is a diseased old person. So every time we hear the grandpa of Our House talk about his "diabeetus" during commercial breaks, we put down our Little Debbie Snack Cake and pick up a barf bucket. Couldn't you have kept shilling for Quaker Oats, Wilf?
This CNN curmudgeon and rumored chronic gas-passer has managed to get married seven times. To women! What's his secret? The man never dies!
What looks like a dude, sounds like a dude, and menstruates as often as dudes do? This dude!
EDDIE VAN HALEN
We have to give Eddie Van Halen some credit. After being treated for mouth cancer twice and losing one-third of his tongue, the man still smokes! He's no quitter, and he's got the hobbit-witch-hybrid-corpse look to prove it.
"BRUCE THE HUTT" VILANCH
As a joke writer and 300-pound mass of blubber and hair, Bruce should be behind the camera, yet somehow, he's waddled in front of it for shows like Hollywood Squares and Celebrity Fit Club. We'll take the center square to block…out the image of Bruce Vilanch doing shirtless squats.
The Late Night With Conan O'Brien announcer's trademark big openmouthed smile has the power to either brighten someone's day, or inflict the fear that he's about to swallow someone's fetus. Either or.
If Ed McMahon showed up on our doorstep holding balloons and a giant check made out for a gazillion dollars, we'd put him in our car and return him to the nursing home from which he escaped.
Andy is like the crotchety grandpa who insists on calling black people "Negroes" and his eyebrows "bangs." Seriously, Rooney, there's a grooming tool called "tweezers." Look into it.
The glam rocker's 1973 hit "I'm the Leader of the Gang (I Am)" was slightly overshadowed by his later release "I'm the Owner of Pornography of Underage Girls (I Am)."
Creepy, for sure, but who else can say they've seen Halley's Comet four times?