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Fulfill My Waffle House Fantasy
Date: 2009-11-08, 7:29PM EST
This Sunday evening at 10pm, I'll be sitting at the counter of Waffle House on Tunnel Road. I'll be wearing clothing but underneath I'll be naked.
You'll know it's me because I'll be eating Bert's BEST bowl of Chili.
Please note that Bert's BEST is a large bowl of chili, smothered, covered, chunked and peppered. This clarification is important, just in case there is someone else at the counter eating a bowl of Bert's Chili, which is just chili and not as good as Bert's BEST.
After you identify me by my chili and also perhaps by my concealed nakedness, you'll take the stool beside me. At first I won't be sure it's you and the anticipation will be a real thrill for me.
When the waitress greets you... I'm not sexist it's just statistically probable that your server will be a female because male Waffle House servers are very rare. Anyway, when your waitress greets you, you won't need to review a menu because I'm about to tell you what to order and you'll have it memorized.
It may be a good idea to write this down on a small piece of paper and memorize while you're driving to the Tunnel Road Waffle House.
Ready? Good. You'll tell the waitress you'll have hashbrowns, covered, diced, peppered and topped. Curiously enough, topped means topped with Burt's Chili.
The other code words stand for melted cheese, grilled tomatoes, and spicy jalapeno peppers, respectively.
I mention this because often times people don't care for spicy foods, in which case you can substitute capped for peppered. Capped is the code word for grilled button mushrooms. Either way, I'll still know it's you.
Yet just to be sure, in addition to the Hashbrowns, order a city ham biscuit from the DOLLAR$ MENU. Of course it's possible that you may not like City Ham. The name itself can conjur unpleasant connotations if you think too long about it.
This isn't important though because you don't have to eat it. It's just something off the DOLLAR$ MENU that you'll order it so I can be sure you're you and not just someone else that happens to be ordering Hashbrowns, covered, diced, peppered and topped.
After you order and only after the waitress has walked away, I'll ask you if you'd like a spoonful of my Bert's BEST Bowl of Chili.
Don't respond verbally, just looked me in the eyes, squint slightly in a seductive manner and then open your mouth, stick out your tongue and get ready for a spoonful of Bert's BEST.
Taste the chili, the sauteed onions, melted cheese, grilled hickory smoked ham and spicy jalepeno peppers.
It doesn't matter if you like the spicy peppers or not. You're going to eat them and they're going to be HOT!
So hot your salivation may carry a little piece of grilled hickory smoked ham from the corner of your mouth down the precipice of your chin.
Don't wipe it off, let it drip.
When my body stops covulsing and my emotions return from sheer ecstacy, I'll put a $20 bill on the counter. Then I'll get up slowly and walk out the door. Never to see you again.
If this sounds like the kind of thing you're looking for, email me to set up a time to meet. I know I said I'd be there tonight at 10 pm but if more then one woman showed up it would cause confusion.
Also I'd like to make sure you're not a weirdo before we meet.
- Location: Tunnel Road
Thursday, January 14, 2010
What, you didn't like all the stinging insects yesterday? Oh well. Is that your phobia? If not, what is?
While you're thinking, here's a little song that was popular when I was a youngun'. I even had the 45 (the whuuuuuuuut?). You can skip the inane Smothers Brothers banter and jump ahead to :55.
Now this song sucks in two languages. But I still don't get it. Do what to her one more time? I'm confused.
Technically it's an 80s song (1980), but it still reeks of the late 70s.
On a brighter note, I agree with one YouTube commenter who said, "I dare say that is the best recorder solo of all time."
Hey, it happens to the best of us. I got caught checking out Jasmine's funbags at Disney World. By Jasmine herself. Oops.
The mother of all boob-gawking pics
"Ah, I wondered where she kept her crazy."
How could he not?
Well done, kid.
What's to see?
He likes Lucy's loos
"Holy hell, I remember those."
"Yes, they're real and they're spectacular."
Hang on, kid, it's almost dinnertime
Then there's your bum-lookers...
Busted like Beckham.. by his wife
And other gawkers... like Letterman checking out Jen's legs