Friday, December 10, 2010

The 10 Worst Christmas Movies Ever


For every It’s a Wonderful Life, there’s a crapstorm of a film to balance it out.

10. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

Hard to believe, because it sounds so good.

9. The Nativity Story (2006)

We can just imagine the pitch meeting in Hollywood. Some lunkhead producer yelled, “The Passion of the Christ made more than $300 million! What else can we mine from the Bible?” So they cast the 15-year-old Keisha Castle-Hughes, who got herself pregnant for the film’s release (which really pissed off the Pope). Here’s a hint… she wasn’t carrying the baby Jesus.

8. Fred Claus (2007)

Vince Vaughn and Paul Giamatti were cobbled by the family-oriented bent of this film. It just goes to prove that Vince Vaughn just ain’t funny if you don’t let him swear (or if he is wearing a dress and killing people).

7. Miracle on 34th Street (1994 remake)

Who the hell had the brilliant idea of remaking this indelible classic… again? The cast was lame, and the climactic courtroom scene was ruined with an unnecessary rewrite. In the 60th anniversary DVD of the original, Maureen O’Hara giggles at the fact that every remake of this film has bombed. You go, Mo!

6. The Santa Clause 2 (2002)

Yeah, we know this is a cash cow for Disney, but that doesn’t make it any good. The first film was okay, but this one was lame. Even worse, the moronic director did the entire DVD commentary as if he got permission to shoot in the North Pole with the real Santa and his elves. I guess he didn’t realize that second graders don’t listen to DVD commentaries.

5. Christmas with the Kranks (2004)

Hey look! Another Tim Allen movie has made the list! Written by legal novelist John Grisham, this awkward holiday comedy has but one message: stick to writing crappy books, Grisham.

4. Deck the Halls (2006)

Why does Matthew Broderick keep getting cast in movies? He hasn’t done a live-action film worth a bucket of snot since Election. And how could Danny DeVito sign on for this stinker? He must have needed cake money. A war of holiday lights turns into wacky family comedy… so much so, you’ll want to throw up.

3. Black Christmas (2006)

After the Weinstein Company’s dismal release of Wolf Creek on Christmas Day 2005, they tried to repeat their mistake with a horror movie remake in 2006… and they were successful in failing. Maybe they should have had some of the young hotties in the cast (e.g., Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lacey Chabert or Michelle Trachtenberg) do a gratuitous nude scene.

2. The Santa Clause 3 (2006)

It’s Tim Allen again, dishing out more holiday pain. But this time, he’s joined by the show-tune loving Martin Short as Jack Frost. Arguably a better premise than #2, the movie melts down in the end with the cheesiest ending since V: The Final Battle.

1. Surviving Christmas (2004)

Nothing says Christmas in October like James Gandolfini in a Santa hat. ‘Nuff said.


Jingle All the Way (1996) – We thought this would be a shoe-in, considering what a joke people remember it to be. But watch it with your kids, and you might agree it doesn’t even belong on this list.

The Preacher’s Wife (1996) – Okay, we admit it… we haven't actually seen this film. We just figured that since it had Whitney Houston in it, it must suck ass.


  1. I really can't argue any of those, so I'll just say that I like Wolf Creek at least.

    My list would also include Eight Crazy Nights and Jack Frost (the Michael Keaton version).

  2. Noooo Santa Clause Conquers the Martians is AMAZEBALLS!!!

    And Black Christmas?? The original is one of my favorite Christmas movies ever and it was actually a pretty decent updated version.

    But OMG Christmas with the Kranks and Surviving Christmas but suck so hard!!!!!

  3. Wasn't there a Lifetime remake of It's A Wonderful Life with like Melissa Gilbert or Judith Light or Alyssa Milano? I bet that sucked.

    It doesn't belong on this list, but The Polar Express was underwhelming to me. The animation style made the kids look like zombies--creepy. Worked better as a book.

  4. I agree with the list. Not that you asked, but these are my favorite Christmas movies:

    The Classics: Holiday Inn, White Christmas, Christmas in Connecticut, The Bishop's Wife, Miracle on 34th Street (the original, please)

    More Recent: Elf, The Christmas Story, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Home Alone

    From Childhood: Charlie Brown Christmas, How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the original but the remake is watchable), Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas

    Honorable Mentions: Die Hard, Scrooged

  5. I actually think The Nativity Story isn't bad. Yes, the girl got pregnant but the movie itself is a better depiction than any other version out there. (I have a thing about "pageants" such as at the Crystal Cathedral where it's a festival of lights, music and glitz etc - um, nobody was wearing Swarovski crystals there, just donkeys and sheep, that's the point of the story, its humility)

    How did the Susan Lucci take on A Christmas Carol get left out? I think it's called "Ebbie". Seriously.

  6. Didn't see it but I never understand how an actor's personal life has anything at all to do with a movie--even if it's a 15yo playing the Virgin Mary who gets knocked up.

  7. I meant the press, WW, not your mention of the girl.

  8. I don't know if it was done by Lifetime or not, but there was a remake of "It's a Wonderful Life" starring Marlo Thomas called "It Happened One Christmas" that I remember. I didn't think it was horrible, but it wasn't nearly as good as the original, of course. They should have left well enough alone.

  9. Wait a minute. "Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas"? Really? Dish, RGR!

    "It's A Wonderful Life" never did much for me, but I'm a big fan of "Holiday Inn," "White Christmas" and "Miracle on 34th Street".

    And the best version of "A Christmas Carol" by far is the one starring Patrick Stewart, circa 1999. I think it was a TBS production; did you have anything to do with that, Cary?

  10. My wife will shit when she hears the Miracle on 34th Street (1994 remake) is on the list. I agree with you; it is a weak effort and a barf fest better suited for the Lifetime channel. Gimme the original any day.

  11. To clarify: Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas = Not THOSE kind of jugs. Sorry!

  12. I love Emmet Otter - adorable show. My favorite Christmas Carol is the one with Alastair Sim, watch it every year. And I love the Far Side cartoon where the guy gets to the mountain top and the mystical man in the cave gives him the secret of life: Zuzu's petals.

    I hate that Miracle remake. That girl who stars in it gave an interview where she said that she'd always avoided Christmas, understandably as she's Jewish, but now she said it's really only about "peace and being nice to each other". Well, that and the birth of Christ, Miss Smartypants actress.

  13. Though I am grinchy, I must admit I love Mickey's Christmas Carol.

  14. My favorite holiday-ish movie is Love Actually. Can't help it. I watch it at least once every year.

  15. Worst holiday movie? The live action Grinch movie.

    Best holiday movie? A two way tie between the original Grinch and A Christmas Carol.

    Something about a grumpy bastard turning nice seems to turn around my holiday spirit no matter how bad the year has been.

  16. I collect anything having to do with "A Christmas Carol" - including all of the various versionsof the movie. There was a good version with Jack Palance and it was set in the old west instead of London, but hey, it was ok. My favorite versions are the Muppet's Christmas Carol (I love Michael Caine) and the version with Patrick Stewart (You are right Daisy, it is a TBS movie)

    PS: I HATE anything having to do with Christmas Shoes, be it the song, movie, book, etc. I also hate the Little Match Girl, and the old song, "The Little Boy that Santa Claus Forgot" (which is in heavy rotation on XM/Sirius Holiday Traditions channel) I'm sorry, I know bad things happen at Christmas, but we don't need songs, books, and bad movies about them.

  17. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians was AWESOME when Mystery Science Theater did it.

    I hate Polar Express. My kids were scared when we tried to watch it.

  18. Heidi Renee, ME TOO!!!! I simply adore that movie, its stars, its music, the whole thing. Even if watching it I'm howling with laughter one minute ("I'm going to WISCONSIN!") and sobbing the next (all I have to do is think about Mom unwrapping the Joni Mitchell CDs instead of the necklace, and I'm close to losing it). Glad there's another super fan out there. :-)



Related Posts with Thumbnails