Monday, November 29, 2010

TV's Beards Of Sadness Of The Day

Need to show that your TV character is in a rough patch? Give him a big ol' scraggly-ass beard.



The Bearded One: David Denham of The Office

Ditched The Razor: When you work in a warehouse, and your secretary girlfriend calls of the wedding to be with a salesman at a low-level paper company, you've basically mapped out your weight gain, beard and upcoming DUI right there.

Picked It Up Again: Roy kept the beard for the remainder of the time we saw him, but lost the unsightly weight in an effort to win back Jenna Fischer. In a word? FAIL.


The Bearded One: Justin Kirk of Weeds

Ditched The Razor: When Nancy (Mary-Louise Parker) fails to reciprocate his feelings for him, ditching to go be with a Mexican gangster instead. After all, who hasn't been there?

Picked It Up Again: More or less parodying the entire concept, Andy keeps the beard until everyone humiliates him enough to finally shave.


The Bearded One: Paul McCrane of ER

Ditched The Razor: After a close encounter with a helicopter's rotor blades during a med-evac, Dr. Romano's surgeries to re-attach his arm ultimately fail and he ditches his beloved limb for a prosthetic, adopting a sweet beard as part of the deal.

Picked It Up Again: Technically he never shaved it off, but he did lose the beard. Through fire. Because a helicopter landed on him. A different helicopter.


The Bearded One: Jonathan Frakes of Star Trek: The Next Generation

Ditched The Razor: Will Riker regularly groomed his sweet beard, but who has time for maintenance when alternate-reality Borg destroy the entire Federation and your ship-in-tatters gets pulled into a meeting of Enterprises in another dimension? That Leonidas-style beard was the only friend he had left in all that madness. And it was madness.

Picked It Up Again: Whoops. He exploded.


The Bearded One: Matthew Fox of LOST

Ditched The Razor: Possibly the King of Sadness Beards, the good doc takes to pills and the bottle in the wake of "Jeremy Bentham's" death, realizing Locke was right to insist that the survivors return to the Island.

Picked It Up Again: Presumably to avoid the security inquiry of trying to make the returning flight with that beard. That, or the Island itself might have collapsed under the weight of his mammoth chin-Wookiee.


The Bearded One: Mr. Smithers of The Simpsons

Ditched The Razor: Fired for his objections to Mr. Burns plans to both steal candy from a baby, and steal sunlight from Earth (quite a difference in scale), Smithers takes to the bottle and worries in his drunken stupor and attempts to watch Comedy Central he might have accidentally shot his beloved boss.

Picked It Up Again: Smithers found himself shaven clean and vindicated by his news-interview reference of the very program he watched at the time of the shooting, and his uncovering of the real killer...a baby. Yep.


The Bearded One: Adrian Pasdar of Heroes

Ditched The Razor: After a mysterious "whoopsie-daisy" of waking up in a hospital, having evidently regenerated from his brother's nuclear explosion, Nathan decides to compliment his brother's loss, his senatorial career and his troublesome relationship with his family with a beard. Also, mirror-ghost visions of his burn-face. Oh, Heroes...

Picked It Up Again: Something about peering through a fence at his children with a scruffy beard just didn't sit right with anybody, thus his beard flew away.

(See the rest at


  1. This post encouraged me to change my blogger avatar.

  2. We're all pullin' for you Frank. It gets better... I swear.

  3. Yes, Frank. What Lefty said. Although I'm just thankful to not be looking at that "face book" picture.

    The best part about Romano getting squished was one of the other doctors commenting that he must have done something horrible to a helicopter in a previous life.

  4. For all the dickery Romano was guilty of, it should have been a 3 helicopter pileup.

  5. I think Frakes actually looked good with a beard in STNG. In the recent episode of "Criminal Minds" he played a creepy-as-hell pediatrician/child psychiatrist that molested his patients and kept their dolls as souvenirs. Oh, Commander Riker, was the Trekkie Convention circuit THAT bad?

  6. Beard or no beard, that Romano helicopter thing was the exact moment when I stopped watching ER.

  7. Bev - which one? I think the tank attack on the ER is what finally made me pull the plug.

    Commander Riker? Nooooo...Commander RUV 'er!

  8. Romano was pretty much a one-dimensional character throughout the show, which to me was a missed opportunity, as the best villains have a redeeming quality of two. They did, however, give RR a flash of humanity when he went berserk after failing to save Lucy's (Kellie Martin) life when the schizophrenic patient attacked her and Carter. Of course, he might have been more pissed about not being God.

  9. When the helicopter fell on him and killed him. I was like, "Okay, I'm out!"

    I can't believe how much detail you remember about the show, Cary! All I remember is that it kept getting more and more ludicrous, kind of like Grey's Anatomy these days....

  10. I grew a mustache and beard for "Movember" (men's cancer awareness month), and now I'm thinking I should shave it off. (I'm looking more like Daniel Faraday than Jack Shepherd.)

  11. Did people actually watch ER after George Clooney left? I'm just curious, I never watched the show and don't like medical series.

  12. I watched the whole deal. Anthony Edwards was pretty compelling. After he left, it kind of got to be a blur.

  13. I watched it until the very end. I don't know why. I guess it's sort of like how I have to finish a book, regardless of how much it may suck.

  14. I watched the entire series. They almost lost me when Carter left but I stuck it out. I always enjoyed seeing who their guest stars would be. Bob Newhart, Sally Fields, William H. Macy, Red Buttons, and Alan Alda were very memorable.

  15. I watched the first however many years until the tank came calling, and that was it. At its peak it was easily the best show on TV, IMHO. Then it just got more and more ludicrous and redundant (I think that Croatian guy ran out of people to date).

  16. The Sally Field story arc almost drove me away, but I hung on until it was over.

  17. Wait, ER, is that the show where the big guy was fooling around with a rocket launcher or something and blew up an ambulance, cause he thought it was unloaded?

    I remember my mom watching some medical show and nearly peeing herself with laughter when that happened.

    Nevermind, answered my own question. Bless Google.

  18. I remember that scene and thinking FOR SURE that was a dream someone was having. And I'd have gladly dated the Croation guy.

  19. The thing that got me was that every time... EVERY time anyone from the ER had any medical procedure, no matter how simple, they had to bring out the paddles and it was only by a hairs breadth they survived their appendectomy, pregnancy, ingrown toenail, whatever.

  20. Well lefty, those ingrown toenails are serious business. They can get infected you know.

  21. I once went into cardiac arrest because of a paper cut. It can happen, Lefty.

  22. Hell, my husband can't even watch medical shows without needing CPR or an MRI.

  23. I watched the episode that they did live, but that was it.

  24. Goran Visnjic is welcome to use his paddles on me any time.



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