Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: Satanic Sexual Ritual (NSFW)

best of craigslist > santa barbara >

Satanic Sexual Ritual

Date: 2009-06-18, 5:13PM PDT

Looking for a woman with evil appetites.

We will have nasty, evil, sweaty, probably illegal sexual encounters in order to bring about the rise of Lucifer. (ie Satan)

Must be willing to do all styles of sexual positions, except Missionary. That is the Lord's Way, and we will have none of that. Besides, if we do it Missionary, Satan gets angry and a kitten dies. I like kittens.

Must be into anal. For that is Satan's Alley.

Must like blow jobs (Swallowing Lucifer's Gravy) and Hand Jobs (Milking the Evil Goat)

Must be into slight S&M (Safe word: Pink Sock)

Must be into erotic and evil costumes and lingerie. Leather Thongs, spikes, boots, black and evil bras that accentuate your bosom, Boba Fett costumes.

Must be willing to deep throat. (So that my satanic appendage will be closer to your black soul)

Must be into strap-ons so that I may feel the "Power of Beezlebub" coursing thru my lower intestines.

The perfect encounter will be this:

Meeting you at one of our local eatery's. Plying you with ample alcoholic libations. Enjoying a nice piece of animal flesh. Tipping the waiter only 10% instead of 15 to 20% (Because we are EVIL!)

Taking you back to my lair. Removing your Gothic Garb, laying you roughly upon my "Sacrifice Altar" (Twin size futon), and promptly begin to nibble on your Satanic Slit. (Please shave before the ritual, as it's hard to be evil when you got pubes stuck in your fillings).

Whence you are all moist with the Power of The Dark Lord's Juices, I will remove my cape and trousers and proceed to fill you with the Sceptre of His Infernal Majesty. You will writhe in pleasure so deep, it will call forth the Evil One himself!

After 4 to 7 minutes of the most intense sexual experience of your God Fearing life, we will perform a Satanic Snuggle, until you gently fall asleep in my powerful arms.

If this taps into the Primordial Jelly you have buried deep down in your Dark Soul, then contact me and we will make beautiful, agonizing "love" together. We will combine our desires and perform rituals so evil, it will awaken the Evil Ancient One from His Firey Nap! He will spill forth from the Bowels of Hell like so much premature Satanic Ejaculate!!


  1. I think I have a Boba Fett costume somewhere...

  2. Regan, don't you have enough demon spawn already?

  3. May I also post here that you slay me? I'm afraid to know how you come up with this stuff.

  4. Thanks, J-D. It came from Best of Craigslist. No idea who wrote it. Some Satanist in Santa Barbara. I imagine there are quite a few there.

  5. I loved this, especially the satanic snuggle bit.

  6. I hate that word even when it's spelled correctly.

  7. The most disconcerting thing about this post? That as I finished reading and scrolled down, I saw my own face staring back at me from the 'You might also like:' section.

    After all, call me a control freak, but I'd never give anyone a safe word.

  8. All that for 4-7 minutes? He's right. That is pretty evil.

    Eatery AND moist in one ad. *Shudder.*

  9. So... let's review: Multiple positions, anal, hand jobs, blow jobs (incl deep throat), and some light S&M in 4-7 minutes? No thanks, that's a hell of a lot of work.

    The only thing that would have made it worse is if he spelled 'eateries' properly. I also HATE that word. And moist. Thankfully he omitted creamy and toppings or I would have to slap someone. (And slacks and/or blouse.)

  10. He had me at 10% tipping (EVIL!!!).

  11. Eatery's is an evil fast food joint. They take up to 40 minutes to fill your order, just to make you suffer. You might not have heard of it before because you don't listen to heavy metal enough, all their locations are listed in the backwards messages of the sixth song of every metal album, it's on the devil's contract with all metal bands.

  12. chrocs - HAHA!

    Lefty - 10% is rude. A quarter is mean. Asking for change for a quarter so you can leave a tip-- that's evil.

  13. He's got a lot to learn about evil. I think it's not evil to snuggle (even whilst marinating in their satanic juices).

  14. If you truly want to be considered Satan's spawn, once you get change for your quarter, you can give the waiter a nickelback. Now, that's hell in a shitcan.

  15. Hmm...twin size futon. Yeah, that's what I would have expected. I'm betting that futon is in the basement rec room at his mother's house.

  16. We had a futon for a couch once. It sucked. Pain in the ass to move, too, so finally we just left it behind in an apartment.

    I wonder if they kept it.

  17. One of my sons had a futon in his bedroom that the kids used as extra sleeping space when the cousins came over for a sleepover. I hated it. I thought it was really uncomfortable to sit on, and it was hard to move too. The kids liked it, I guess. They sat on it to play video games a lot. We finally got rid of it. I wasn't sorry to see it go.

  18. Then obviously that futon was EEEEEVILLLL! I think they put that in at the factory.

  19. I have a futon couch. My bed is a futon, as well. I really like it.

  20. I think my "Primordial Jelly" coagulated. Ok, you can add that to the list too.



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