Monday, November 29, 2010

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: Dear Neighbor

Another classic (i.e. old) one, since Best of Craigslist won't update their damn page.



best of craigslist > allentown >

Dear Neighbor


Date: 2009-08-10, 9:42AM EDT

Dear Neighbor,

Why do you insist upon mowing your fucking lawn at 8 AM?

At least once a week I wake up to hear your lawnmower revving away right outside my fucking window. Your whole lawn is shaded by your house and that huge tree, so I have to hear you stall the thing at least 12 times.

Here's an idea.... WAIT UNTIL YOUR FUCKING LAWN IS DRY BEFORE YOU MOW IT!!!!!!!!!

I get home from work at 4 AM only to awaken hours later to the sound of a weedwacker coming from next door. Closing the windows doesn't help. Putting the pillow over my head doesn't work. You could probably hear your mower in space.


Your lawn looks like ass anyway. Why even mow the damn thing? The potted plants you bought in May are still sitting, unplanted of course, in their original resting place, which appears to be a framed horseshoe pit in the center of your yard. There are a couple of oversized, azure synthetic drums out there that accent the always stylish, black rubber indoor/outdoor mats that tastefully adorn your back porch.

For the love of God! The place looks like it belongs in Gummo. The only thing missing is a trailer, four screaming brats, a car up on cinder blocks and a couple mangy animals.

If I had enough Round-Up, I would turn the thing into a sandlot myself to save you the trouble when you finally come to your senses and make the switch.


I can't stand you. I can't stand your lawnmower. I can't stand your shitty old man tattoo that looks like a vulture from afar. I can't stand the way you push around your stalling lawnmower over your wet grass while wearing Jack Daniels pajama pants at 8 in the morning.

The last thing I need to see after four hours of sleep is some random old guy next door mowing his lawn without underwear.


I detest you. If I had a dog, I would let it into your lawn to shit.

14 comments:

  1. The guy in the picture really should be wearing closed toed shoes. That's dangerous.

    I'd like to write a similar letter to my neighbor, only about his effing leaf blower. You don't have to blow out your gutters every time one gawd damn leaf falls.

    Damn MPOTD totally got me.

    ReplyDelete
  2. If I had enough Round-Up, I would turn the thing into a sandlot myself to save you the trouble when you finally come to your senses and make the switch.

    And right there I knew this guy was all talk. If he really wanted to defoliate his asshole neighbor's yard all he'd need is about two gallons of unleaded, a sprayer, and a bic.

    Going in the other direction, I caved into a infomercial and bought a few jugs of this stuff.

    And just like it said in the ad it does grow anywhere.

    Like the unattended roof of my cousin who asked me to mow his lawn over the summer but forgot to leave me his keys to use his lawnmower.

    Just to show I was a nice guy I even did his driveway too.

    ReplyDelete
  3. In addition to different shoes, that guy in the picture could use an application or two of sunblock. His sunburn is going to feel like fire by the time he gets done mowing.

    I am amused by the fact that, in spite of his anger at and frustration with his neighbor, this guy still started his letter with the word, "Dear." :D

    ReplyDelete
  4. Daisy said...

    I am amused by the fact that, in spite of his anger at and frustration with his neighbor, this guy still started his letter with the word, "Dear."


    I'm guessing that if he started the letter "Hey fuckface" the guy would either crumble it up without reading it, or he'd take his neighbor off of his Christmas card list.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Cam, I don't think I'd want a Christmas card from a guy who mows naked.

    I'd like to add to the list of mowers, leaf blowers, and weed eaters -- CHAIN SAWS! Sweet mother of pearl those people wear on my nerves! I've never figured out why cock-a-doodle dark on a Saturday is primo Poulan time. Reason #2345 why I don't keep guns in my house.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Rich Girl Red said...

    Cam, I don't think I'd want a Christmas card from a guy who mows naked.


    Note to self: RGR doesn't want a Christmas card this year.

    ReplyDelete
  7. One more reason to thank the stars I live in the middle of nowhere and don't have neighbors that live that close, because I do have guns in the house. This is Idaho after all. The downside is that we are probably the last road in the county to be plowed and after the week we have had weatherwise, I am getting cabin fever!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Round these parts, 8AM is the start of a working day. Legally you can do anything. Like the neighbours RIGHT in back of me, who spent 8 months building a tiny little wooden shed with copper trim, no less. Every morning without fail...they were out there banging and hammering and using the power saw.

    So you're allowed to make noise starting at 8 AM on any weekday, but you're not allowed to mow your lawn on a Sunday. Seriously, if you do, the neighbours will ring the Polizei who will then issue you a massive fine (like around E2000) for disturbing the peace. You're also not allowed to deposit your recyclables in the recycling huts they have around after 5pm or on Sundays because it makes too much noise. That's a E2500 fine.

    Cam, you can always send me a card, and I'll sleep with it under my pillow. If you include some grass clippings, I'll be yours 4evah.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I gotta agree with the guy.. I live in a townhome plan in a cul-de-sac, and our yards are the size of coffins at best. The sound just echoes back and forth.

    One day I listened to 45 minutes of my neighbor and his leaf blower... apparently blowing crumbs of dirt.. Slammed my sliding glass door shut..

    Five minutes later.. he and his #@#%$ leaf blower were gone.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I used to mow at 7:00 a.m. on Saturdays because my neighbors next door would party and play really loud music all night and keep me awake. If I didn't hate the leaf blower so much, I would have stood outside their window with the thing just running. What goes around comes around.

    ReplyDelete
  11. People who do their lawns too early in the morning are the reason I bought a slingshot. Well, that and the incessant barking dog a few houses down. It's a long shot, but I've nailed him a couple of times.

    Barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark
    YELP
    Silence
    Fist pump

    ReplyDelete
  12. The guy who wrote this has nothing on me and the asshole I live next door to. Let's see--ATVs out at all hours of the night, dogs out barking all night long and shitting on my lawn, truck up on cinder block next to the driveway--I could go on.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Cary, hubby used to ping stray cats that walked on our fence with his slingshot. He used popcorn kernels, but he had lead pellets. His aim was flawless. The cat would be strutting along, about to crouch down and take a crap yet again in our yard, he'd ping em, they'd yelp and tip over.

    Sometimes, if he was quick enough, he'd dump water out the second storey window and soak them. Those were good times. I don't mind cats on the whole...I mind irresponsible cat owners.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Sandi, those are the kind of neighbors that you wait until they're all asleep, then board up the windows and set the house on fire. That will teach them.

    Siress - I use marbles. Lead pellets are probably a better idea.

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails