Monday, November 15, 2010

22 Products Featuring Disembodied Boobs (NSFW)

Whoa. Ok. I'm a perv and all, but even I don't sit around thinking up crap like this. I like my boobs attached to a woman. On the other hand, these would make great gifts at your next office holiday party, that is, if you're trying to get fired for sexual harassment.

STRESS BOOBS

Yes, these will make you popular with the opposite sex. Get used to squeezing the hell out of them, then try the same thing on your woman's, preferably around her time of the month. Then, if you're still alive, send us a photo of your ass with her boot sticking out of it.

VIBRATING BOOB HAND MASSAGER

So lifelike.

FUZZY BOOBS

Real boobs should never be fuzzy. Pluck those things! Perfect for the guy who already has naked lady mud flaps.

BOOB CUSHION

Pointless. The real things work much better.

BOOB NOTES

There's one guy in every office who would have these. It's the same guy who always tells you how nice you look today while he pictures you naked.

BOOB RADIO

Come in, Rangoon. Rangoon, do you read me?

BOOB EGG FRYER

Unnecessary. Fried eggs already look like boobs.

BOOB PASTA

After it's cooked, it looks like your grandma's boobs.

BOOB REMOTE CONTROL

I like the buttons under the bikini bottom. It's like a Fembot's crotch.

BOOB SALT & PEPPER SHAKERS

These makes sense.

BOOB MOUSE

I'm not touching that thing.

BOOB CANDLE

Ouch.

BOOB WASHCLOTH

So guys can spend even more time washing their junk.

BOOB SLIPPERS

I've heard of wearing your heart on your sleeve, but never your tits on your feet.

BOOB SHOWER GEL DISPENSER

Because gel-oozing breasts are so sexy. Every time you use them, it'll be like your lady's silicone implant is leaking.

BOOB LAMP

Looks more like an ass with a couple of hemorrhoids.

BOOB CAKE PAN

The best part of this is the label. Why is the chef embarrassed? He made the damn thing.

BOOB BONG

Expect more bogarting.

BOOB CAP

It really only works if your friend has one, too, and you walk side by side.

BOOB BEANBAG CHAIR

See, Justin Timberlake has one.

BOOB BEER TOPPER

Or a penis topper, if you prefer. Either way you're a dick.

BOOB BLINDFOLD

If I ever end up in front of a firing squad, I want these. They'll be laughing too hard to shoot.

12 comments:

  1. You always come through with a Christmas shopping guide. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. The candle made me cringe.

    Great captions! I laughed out loud about the cake pan and just kept giggling.

    ReplyDelete
  3. My gaydar is going off for the boob cake chef.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've had the boob pasta before. I got it as a gag gift and the kids wanted mac-n-cheese one night and it was all I could find in the pantry.

    Their therapy is going quite well, thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  5. The package calls those slippers "sexy." I fail to see how those things could ever be considered sexy (unless they were the ONLY things you were wearing, perhaps.)

    Loved the captions, Cary, especially the lamp/hemorrhoids one. HA! That is one freaky-looking lamp. :D

    ReplyDelete
  6. Lefty said...

    My gaydar is going off for the boob cake chef.


    Maybe he could get rid of the nipples and just pretend it's a bum cake. Then probably add some creme filling.

    Wait...

    ReplyDelete
  7. Cam, better creme filling than chocolate.

    ReplyDelete
  8. About 5 years ago, in a major city and a publicly listed corporation, the HR LADY actually gave out the Stress Boobs at the annual golf tournament. Yes, the President and CEO was there.

    It was my first week at the company too.

    It got better after that, but really I couldn't believe they were doing that and hadn't been sued. They were known in town for only hiring babes, regardless of ability (or lack thereof).

    ReplyDelete
  9. Bob worked at Hooter's corporate.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Why would anyone want ANY of these?? Good lord...!

    ReplyDelete
  11. "See, Justin Timberlake has one." HA! And that mouse is just disturbing.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I've seen the stress balls before. However, they were at a grimy little flea market, and not in boxes. They were just free to roll around, and were covered in dusty handprints and assorted ground dirt.

    Somehow they seemed more real that way...

    ReplyDelete

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