Friday, November 19, 2010

12 Types Of Idiots You Meet On The Internet(s)

If you've spent any time on the web, you know all these folks, and would love to get them all in a room together so you could slide open a ceiling tile and drop a grenade in.

From
Stuff magazine.




PEOPLE WHO POST "FIRST!!1!" IN EVERY COMMENT THREAD

Sites affected: Perezhilton.com, Break.com, just about any site with comments.

Making a post like this is basically like coming right out and saying, "I have nothing better to do than sit at my computer and wait for someone to update this blog." What's worse is when a bunch of people get in on the act and the first 10 comments on each post are the same useless word. In fact, if this article gets posted anywhere with comments (we don't have them for a reason) some smart guy will try to pull this. You can be sure that that person has never seen the bathing suit area of the opposite sex.

THE IMdb MESSAGE-BOARD NAME DROPPER

Sites affected: IMDB. Also popular on other movie and music sites.

We love IMDB for its ridiculously thorough catalog of TV and movie knowledge, but stepping into their forums is like walking into a video store with a million pretentious and insecure clerks behind the counter that cast judgments on your taste in movies. But by far the worst part is the throng of unconnected schlubs who do nothing but mention how they don't agree with some of the choices Marty made in The Departed, or how they can appreciate how Quentin and Robert must feel about the general public not understanding the three-hour inside joke they called Grindhouse.



THE GUY WHO GIVES SOMETHING EVERYBODY LOVES A ONE-STAR REVIEW

Sites affected: Amazon.com, any site where grumpy users are allowed to write reviews.

A world where everyone completely agreed on every subject would be boring, but it might be slightly better than our current world in which contrarian blowhards can't resist the call of the one-star review button. Check out this example on Amazon.com. Irate user, Jabber, is mad because the characters on South Park are badly drawn. Is it a valid point to be made? Maybe. Is it reason enough to go on a public forum and rant like a maniac? Probably not

PeOplE ThaT Typ3 lIKE ThIS

Sites affected: Craigslist.com, eBay.com, any site where 13-year-olds are allowed to type.

We can understand ignoring some grammar, punctuation and capitalization for the sake of laziness, but typing like that travesty of a headline actually takes longer than just typing normally. Just think about how much you have to use your friggin' pinky. Plus, you have to factor in all the time it takes thinking, "Should it be 'InSANe CloWN PoSsE' or 'INsanE ClOWn PoSsE'?" Add in these knuckleheads' tendencies to end everything with a Z and use words like "wut" and "dat" and you have the perfect method for making people think that you're a total asshole with nothing of any value to say. Unless you're on the My Chemical Romance forum, in which case you're golden.



THE GUY WHO SAYS "THIS IS OLD" OR "NOT NEWS"

Sites affected: Tech blogs, Digg.com, Fark.com

When you work in a field as timely as technology reporting, getting scooped is a bad feeling. What's worse is the feeling of getting called out for being late on something by a guy who has nothing better to do than get fatter and check japanesecellphonesnoonehaseverheardof.com 200 times a day. If you're so up on your shit, why not start a news site and get in on some of that sweet Google AdSense money? Because you have too much integrity? Probably not. Because you're too busy getting fatter and watching Battlestar Galactica? That sounds more like it.


THE FACEBOOK POKER

Sites affected: Facebook.com

You don't call people on the phone if you have nothing to say to them. You don't send your friends e-mails that are completely blank. So why would you poke someone using Facebook? It makes so much more sense to just send a message or, better yet, don't do anything. If poking was a real-life conversation, this is how it would go:

Some jack-off: Hey, I'm looking at Facebook.
Us: Oh. Cool, I guess.
Some jack-off: Yep.
Us: Did you have anything to tell us, or...
Some jack-off: Nope, just poking you.
Us: (click)



USELESS FORWARDER OF URBAN MYTHS AND CHAIN LETTERS

Sites affected: E-mail, MySpace, Facebook

We can deal with the endless amounts of penis enlargement and bank notification spam we get every day, but getting a useless and often completely ludicrous message from someone we were nice enough to trust with our e-mail address is a betrayal of the most heinous variety. No, Mars is not going to appear as big as the moon in the sky tonight. No, my crush's name will not appear if I send this message to 10 people. No, I don't want your inbox-clogging bullshit making us just that much dumber.



GRAMMAR NAZIS

Sites affected: Every site with words.

We've already expressed our distaste for purposely nonsensical typing practices, but you can be sure that you'll never find us going online to criticize people about dangling a participle every now and again. We barely expect the average Internet commenter or message board poster to be able to finish Green Eggs and Ham, let alone know the difference between further and farther.

I'll add these to Stuff's list:



"PHOTOSHOP!" SCREAMERS

You know the type. They think every single photo on the web has been doctored, especially funny ones, because there's no way there's in hell there's really a place called Spread Eagle Village, that pic is totally Shopped. Sure, there's a lot of fakery on the web, but damn, dawg, it must suck to believe that nothing is real.

THE CONTRARIAN

Cousin to the guy who gives everything a one-star review, The Contrarian loves to rebut anything and everything he reads. Yes, we all have different opinions, but The Contrarian just likes to be disagreeable for fun and attention:

YOU: The sun is hot.

HIM: Well, hot is a relative term, and, compared to some supernovas or asteroids, the sun's temperature is blah blah blah shut the FUCK up.



THE INCOHERENT PSYCHO

The internet's version of the crazy homeless guy who stands on the corner screaming nonsense at passing cars. You write about flowers you planted and he comments about being abducted by aliens and playing on stage in the 80s with The Rolling Stones until Bill Wyman tried to kill him and how your blog is sending radio waves into his head and making him crazy and he's been in touch with the FCC and they're on to you.

THE ANGRY FOREIGNER WHO HATES AMERICA

Any post is liable to send him into an anti-U.S. tirade, even harmless ones about boobs or TV shows or cereal. "You Americans and your Cheerios. No wonder your country is going to hell!"

27 comments:

  1. First!


    (well someone was going to do it)

    ReplyDelete
  2. This whole list is totally fake. I looked it up on snopes.com

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well, first is a relative term. The author of the post is actually the first blah blah blah

    ReplyDelete
  4. Forward this post to 10 of your friends and you will receive good news in the 2 weeks.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Pah - the images in this post are all 'shopped, especially the first one and the Hitler cat.

    And, I think the MSOTD is scheming to kill me. Actually, I think he wants to kill us all - RUN!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. They left out the political left/right conspiracy whack job that has to insert a political snipe at whomever they hate and fear this week, into every comment thread. Both sides have 'em, both are idiots who are one step from being the in the THE INCOHERENT PSYCHO category.

    ReplyDelete
  7. George Soros sponsors this blog. Next he's going to take away pacifiers from babies and all of you sheeple will be to blame for even reading this post. WHY DO YOU HATE BABIES?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Great choices for the photos on this post, Cary--both funny and scary! :D

    ReplyDelete
  9. That reminds me anon... I haven't seen an anonymous post from that jackass who checks in every month or so to provide a non sequitur about our "one term president".

    ReplyDelete
  10. Another one to add to the list..

    Karma whores. People that post fake but somewhat plausible sob stories, in order to get sympathy and "karma" points from others. See: reddit.

    ReplyDelete
  11. The last one has an American counterpart too, the "evil liberals" guy who likes to remind people that the socialist health care in Scandinavia 'doesn't work' or how the French are always surrendering and not interested enough in attacking random Middle Eastern countries...

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anon 7:03p - god yes. The most annoying internet idiot of all. We get them here from time to time. Their comments get deleted.

    Anon 6:40a - yup. That guy (x 10) is why I skip family reunions.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Why would Cheerios lower the worth of a country? I don't get it. How does a breakfast cereal rock the moral fiber of nation?

    (eyes her boxes of Cheerios and wonders if she's contributing to anarchy)

    ReplyDelete
  14. SiressYorkie said...

    Why would Cheerios lower the worth of a country? I don't get it. How does a breakfast cereal rock the moral fiber of nation?


    My bet? It's the holes in the middle of em. They'll give us weak-minded western men impure thoughts about our women, and will make the women desire lesbianic sex.

    It's a slippery slope you can easily avoid if you just buy all your cereal goods in flake form, and avert your eyes while dutifully trudging through the den of iniquity known as the cereal aisle.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I guess that means donuts are out, too.

    ReplyDelete
  16. You Americans are so fucked up.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Can't forget the bagels either, they're the tools of Zionists ya know.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Stop it! I'm getting so turned on... need to stay pure!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Perhaps I should cover my head completely when I'm eating my Oaten Round Cereal, so Cam and Lefty don't have to struggle so much.

    Although I've never heard the term "lesbianic" before. That was awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  20. If any cereal is the breakfast of the damned, it's Puffed Wheat, not Cheerios.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Puffed wheat, maybe. Super Sugar Smacks, no!

    ReplyDelete
  22. SiressYorkie said...

    Perhaps I should cover my head completely when I'm eating my Oaten Round Cereal, so Cam and Lefty don't have to struggle so much.

    Although I've never heard the term "lesbianic" before. That was awesome.


    Have no fear in enjoying the unholy holey goodness. You only need to cover yourself while eating phallic shaped items like corn dogs and bananas around lefty and myself.

    And I so wish I could claim lesbianic as mine, but alas it was something a friend and I overheard while at lunch that both made us scratch our heads.

    A nice little old lady at the next table over was very loudly discussing her daughter's roommate at college, and finished with the phrase, "I pray she doesn't drag my Margaret into any of that lesbianic stuff."

    Which made my buddy look at me and whisper, "Did...did she just say lesbianic?"

    We waited until they left before cracking up though.

    ReplyDelete

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