Tuesday, August 3, 2010

13 Kiss Of Death Actors Of The Day

Tired of wasting money on crap movies? Here's your solution: just look for one or more of these actors. If they're in the movie, it will suck. Simple, huh?

Of course, just as a broken clock is right twice a day, even a bad actor can get lucky and find himself/herself in a decent flick from time to time. In the interest of fairness, I've noted those exceptions.


ROBIN WILLIAMS



Robin Williams is actually two people: one, the talented mensch in movies like The Fisher King and Awakenings, the other a tiresome sadist who makes shit like Mrs. Doubtfire, RV, Patch Adams, Bicentennial Man and more. Both men are Sasquatch-hairy.

Exceptions: One Hour Photo, Good Will Hunting, Dead Poets Society


JENNIFER LOPEZ



They say she's a nightmare off screen. Off screen? She's pretty frightful on screen, too. Maid In Manhattan. The Wedding Planner. Anaconda. And, of course, (pee shiver) Gigli. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Exceptions: None.


MATTHEW BRODERICK



Remember Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Yeah, that kid is long gone. Now we have the blank-faced middle-aged schlump who makes movies without reading the scripts ahead of time (hello, Michael Caine!); how else can you explain Godzilla, The Stepford Wives, and Deck The Halls? Mr. Sarah J. Parker always seems to be phoning it in, but hey, it's a paycheck. Hay and sugar cubes aren't cheap.

Exceptions: Election, The Freshman, Glory


DR. WILLIAM H. COSBY, Jr., Ed.D, Ph.D, D.D.S., C.P.A., Esq., M.D., P.I., R.N., P.T., P.A., A.C.E., L.P.T.



The last time Cosby made a decent flick, Gerald Ford was president. Yeah, he's a TV god, but his movies are like having Jell-O Pops shoved up your cornhole. Don't believe me? Try watching Leonard Part VI or Ghost Dad sober. Cosby was also in Jack (1996) with Robin Williams and J-Lo, earning that film a rare suck-fecta. But hey, did you know that Cosby has a doctorate in education? Of course you did! He includes it his credits so that you won't forget.

Exceptions: Critic Pat Collins called Cosby's Ed. D. dissertation "the best academic tome I've read all year!"


CUBA GOODING, JR.



Seems like after Cuba won his Oscar for Jerry Maguire, he decided he was done with heavy lifting and started making bad movies, each worse than the one before it. First there was a pointless bit part in As Good As It Gets, then Instinct (Anthony Hopkins in a fright wig and Cuba standing in the rain, arms outstretched to the sky, saying, "Fuck you, Shawshank Redemption! We stole your money shot."). The decline continued with Rat Race (Cannonball Run sans Burt and Loni), Snow Dogs (a kids movie starring Michael Bolton!), and Radio (a buck-toothed Forrest Gump in a grocery cart). Then, in his final capitulation, Cuba hopped aboard Eddie Murphy's suckwagon (Norbit), for his final ride to that gas chamber called wasted potential.

Exceptions: Cuba was phenomenal in Malcolm X. No, wait... that was Denzel Washington.


ANY POP SINGER WHO THINKS HE/SHE IS AN ACTOR



Mariah Carey: Glitter
Jon Bon Jovi: Pay It Forward, Pucked
Whitney Houston: The Bodyguard.
Jewel: Ride With The Devil
Brandy: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
Lil' Kim: You Got Served
'Nuff said.

Exceptions: Stacy "Fergie" Ferguson in Poseidon. Well.. ok. Not really. But she was better than Richard Dreyfuss, and he has an Oscar.


CHRIS ROCK



Chris, buddy, I dig your stand-up, but your movies really "bring the pain": Lethal Weapon 4, Down To Earth, Head Of State, The Longest Yard. No wonder everybody hates Chris.

Exceptions: Still thinking...


BEN AFFLECK



Meet the guy who's squeezed out more ripe turds than an infant who just switched over to solid food: Jersey Girl, Gigli, Reindeer Games, Daredevil, Changing Lanes, Pearl Harbor, Surviving Christmas, Bounce, Armageddon, The Sum Of All Fears... how much time do you have? On the other hand, he's porking Jennifer Garner, so don't feel too sorry for him.

Exceptions: Matt Damon's pretty good in those Bourne movies; does that count?


CARMEN ELECTRA



Carmen "stars" in Date Movie, Epic Movie, Scary Movie, and Disaster Movie, so she really has just one role: queen of the Shitty Movie.

Exceptions: Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding


DAVID LETTERMAN



His only big-screen role was Cabin Boy, but it was as rotten as his Oscar-hosting performance. Those two things put him on the list for life.

Exceptions: None.


NICOLE KIDMAN



Yes, she won an Oscar for The Hours (which sucked my nutsack) and was nominated again for Moulin Spooge Rouge, but the former Mrs. Cruise also churns out more shit than a flock of Canada Geese... like The Invasion, which I sat through one night not long ago, hoping that any minute it would get better. It didn't. There's also Bewitched, The Golden Compass, Eyes Wide Shut, The Interpreter, Birth, Dogville, Practical Magic, The Stepford Wives, The Peacemaker, etc.

Exceptions: To Die For, The Others


DON SWAYZE



Did you know that Patrick has a mutant younger brother named Don? Mais oui, and his filmography includes such highbrow fare as Beach Babes From Beyond, Sexual Malice, Knuckle Sandwich and more. So if you see Don on the screen, it means two things: 1) you're watching Cinemax; and 2) you're not seeing boobs, which is the only reason you're watching Cinemax in the first place. That makes Don Swayze a cockblocker, and no one likes a cockblocker.

Exceptions: Don turned heads as "Obnoxious Guy" in The Cutting Edge 2: Going For The Gold.


STEVEN SEAGAL (OR THIS GUY, WHO ATE HIM)



"I'm just a schnook."

Exceptions: Under Siege, Executive Decision (because he dies in the first half hour)

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Lou Diamond Phillips (Striking Range, Alien Express, Red Water)
Gary Busey (any title)
Eddie Murphy (Norbit, The Adventures Of Pluto Nash)
Jennifer Love Hewitt (The Tuxedo, Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit)
Jean-Claude Van Damme (Bloodsport, Cyborg, Maximum Risk)
Lindsay Lohan (I Know Who Killed Me, Georgia Rule)
Eric Roberts (Phat Girlz, DOA: Dead Or Alive)

Based on this article at Maxim.com

19 comments:

  1. I love The Others and everyone in it. I've only seen NK in two other things and I gave up after that. But The Others? FANTASTIC.

    The Robin Williams thing bugs me too. I mean, I love The Fisher King. Dead Poet's Society made me bawl as a kid. Liked Good Morning, Vietnam and Good Will Hunting. But I can't stand him most of the time. Don't know how he can be so different in different things...

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  2. Chris Rock and Ben Assfleck should get Exception status for Dogma. And that's it.

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  3. I'm loyal to Robin Williams in that I'll always give him a go. He's so hit and miss. I really liked "Toys", however...it was just odd enough to keep me interested.

    I agree with Juicy..."Dogma" remains one of my go-to movies when I'm down, mostly because of Chris Rock's performance (and Alan Rickman).

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  4. I really think "Hook" should get an exception for Robin Williams. Loove love that movie and I think he did a great job. However, the real show stealer is Dustin Hoffman as Hook.

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  5. The alphabet soup behind Cosby's name made me laugh. If Pat Collins says his dissertation is the best she's read this year...well it must be true! :D

    "STEVEN SEAGAL (OR THIS GUY, WHO ATE HIM)" HA HA HA!

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  6. What a handy list! Thanks!

    I liked Nicole Kidman in To Die For and Dead Calm - but both movies were made back when she could still move her face, so maybe that explains why they were decent.

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  7. OMG Pirate Star, I LOATHE that movie! One of Spielberg's worst, IMO.

    But hey, to each her own.

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  8. What a suckfest. Wow. Can't stand any of them. Anything Affleck does smells like ass.

    Hook was supposed to make all the hardworking dads feel like shit and go to more baseball games. Like Stevie does.

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  9. "Suck-fecta." I am so stealing that!

    I can't really argue with any of them. Although, I did like Fergie in "Nine." Once any actor plays a mentally handicapped person they go on my "DTM" (dead to me) list.

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  10. Haha well, I was 8 years old, the intended audience for Hook when it came out, so I guess that is why I grew up enjoying it. I guess I really like just saying things like "I'm going to put you in the boo box!" and "BANGARANG!" or calling anyone with a mohawk "Ruffio".

    Plus.. I do like pirates so, it just comes with the territory I suppose!

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  11. Oh and I forgot to mention, Robin Willians as Peter Banning in Hook was my first 'crush' on an actor. The movie is just a little peice of my childhood, despite how corny it is! lol

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  12. I though Affleck was really good in Extract. Underrated movie, that one.

    Also, Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms, yo.

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  13. For me it's The Rock (Tooth Fairy, that about sums it all up) and Vin Diesel (all of his movies suck IMO).

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  14. Ah well as you said, to each their own. :)

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  15. Brendon Frasier is the kiss of death for any movie.

    Broderick was good in Biloxi Blues.

    Chris Rock needs to stop doing movies. His stand-up is outstanding.

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  16. Cary I gotta disagree about the hate for "Head of State" if only for one scene.

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  17. Exceptions for Matthew Broderick; You forgot The Cable Guy!! Of course, the movie wouldn't be any good if Jim Carey wasn't the star, but Matthew didn't do too bad himself

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  18. True, Anon, both were funny. That movie gets panned but I liked it.

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