Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Vid Of The Day: Shatner Tribute

I'm told this is the opening video from his Comedy Central roast back in 2006, which I missed.


Guests at the roast included Andy Dick (as the "love child" of James T. Kirk and Spock), Farrah Fawcett, Lisa Lampanelli, Artie Lange, Nichelle Nichols, Patton Oswalt, Kevin Pollak, Jeffrey Ross, George Takei, Betty White, and Fred Willard performing the roasting duties. Special, pre-taped, guest appearances were made by Leonard Nimoy, Sandra Bullock, Ben Stiller, Sarah Silverman, Jimmy Kimmel, and Clint Howard. 

Other celebrities were shown prominently in the audience, including Adrian Zmed, David Carradine, Roger Corman, Brent Spiner, Jeri Ryan, Rene Auberjonois, Rosalind Chao, Mark Valley, Carrie Fisher, Scott Hamilton, country music star Brad Paisley, Reno 911! stars Cedric Yarbrough and Niecy Nash, and stand-up comedian Brian Posehn. Women dressed as green Orion slave girls can be clearly seen tending bar.

The tagline for this roast was: "The Shat hits the fan."

(from Wikipedia)
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The 12 Worst Similes In Rock & Roll Music

List and copy from Cracked.com

For those of us who were asleep and/or drunk all through grammar school, a simile is a comparison of two things using "like" or "as," such as "Our public education was as pointless as an edible bicycle seat."



Goo Goo Dolls - "Iris"

Offending Lyric: "When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you're alive"

We're not really sure what sort of movies the Goo Goo Dolls watch in their spare time. The movies we watch are full of good-looking people getting in gun fights with one another. If everything felt like the movies, we'd be jumping off of the top of buildings with firehoses wrapped around our waist, which would do just fine as far as letting us know we're alive. Maybe the Goo Goo Dolls confused the words "the movies" with "freshman and sophomore years of high school?"



Def Leppard - "Pour Some Sugar On Me"

Offending Lyric: "Livin' like a lover with a radar phone"

How exactly does a lover with a radar phone live? Well, probably poorly if they're banging someone who thinks a radar phone sounds like a cool piece of technology. You have to feel bad for Def Leppard's girlfriends, who presumably all got radar phones for Christmas back in 1987, when this song was released.

Even for the late '80s, "radar phone" doesn't sound like such a hot piece of technology. Warrant's girlfriends were probably all getting car phones, along with new Trans Ams in which to install them. To make matters worse, when Def Leppard's girlfriends tried to phone their boyfriends to complain about their crappy gifts, instead of connecting the call, the radar phones would just measure how fast Warrant's girlfriends were driving in their new cars.



Poison - "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"

Offending Lyric: "Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song/Every rose has its thorn"

First of all, everyone knows (read: we just learned on Wikipedia) that roses don't even have thorns, they have prickles. But, Poison probably didn't have a dedicated botany research department so we'll let that one go.

The real problem is on the cowboy/sad song side of things. Forget "every" cowboy singing a sad song; we're having trouble thinking of one. Clint Eastwood? Anyone in Tombstone or Young Guns? There were probably no sad songs in any season of Deadwood simply because not many sad words rhyme with "cocksucker."

Wait a second ... does the fact that roses don't have thorns and that cowboys don't sing sad songs suddenly make this work as a simile again? Friends, I believe we have just been outwitted by Poison.



Bob Seger - "Like A Rock"

Offending Lyric: "Like a rock, chargin' out the gate"

In fairness, throughout most of this hit song, Bob Seger manages to find valid reasons to compare himself to a rock -- he's stoic, unflappable and rigid -- but toward the end of "Like A Rock" he somehow confuses the typical rocks he references throughout his song with much more proactive and much less rock-like stones that, evidently, sprint out of gates in certain circumstances.

Needless to say, anyone betting on Seger's boulder to win the Kentucky Derby probably wound up tearing up their tickets in frustration before being wheeled back to the asylum.



Ricky Martin - "She Bangs"

Offending Lyric: "Cause she looks like a flower but she stings like a bee/Like every girl in history"

Come on, Ricky Martin, you can't possibly mean every girl in history. Mother Teresa? The Statue of Liberty? The Bee Girl from the Blind Melon "No Rain" video, who looked like a bee, but was as harmless as a flower?

We've searched the rest of the song for some kind of clarification. The chrous offers, "She bangs, she bangs/when she moves, she moves." Does this woman go clanging around in a medieval suit of armor? Does this also apply to "every girl in history?" How could such a virile, obviously not-gay man know so little about the nature of females?



Patrick Swayze - "She's Like The Wind"

Offending Lyric: "She's like the wind, through my tree"

What about this woman is wind-like, Patrick? We listened to your entire song -- we're the only ones who have listened to the whole thing since the late '80s -- and we couldn't find any mention of wind-like tendencies. She's not described as being particularly invisible, or intangible or even gusty. She is described as "out of my league" which leads us to conclude that a more appropriate lyric would be "She's like every woman everywhere since I appeared in Road House."



Alanis Morissette - "Ironic"

Offending Lyric: "It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife/And isn't it ironic ... don't you think?"

Much has been made of the fact that Alanis' concept of irony doesn't quite meet the standards taught in most high school English classes, but her similes are every bit as worthy of scorn. Has anyone, in the history of mankind, ever needed a knife and ironically wound up with 10,000 spoons instead?

We're trying to imagine the circumstances, but each scenario seems more unlikely than the last:

* You work at the spoon factory, and the only way to unjam a cog in the spoon-making machine is to grease it by spreading butter over it.

* You invited the band 10,000 Maniacs to a dinner party, and the caterer, worried that they were in fact 10,000 maniacs, thought it best to limit their access to sharp items.

* You are armed for an invasion of Cereal Land, but the gates are being guarded by two juicy 72-ounce steaks.

For the rest, see the original article at Cracked.com

Classic 90s Music Video Of The Day: The Way

A catchy little tune based (loosely) on an actual event. (See below.)


From Wikipedia:


"The Way" revolves around an older married couple who decide to give it all away by packing up and going driving. Along the way, their car breaks down, so they continue on foot. As the song goes on, it becomes apparent that these two achieve happiness by losing touch with the world.

Fastball bassist Tony Scalzo came up with the idea for the song after reading news articles which described the disappearance of an older married couple, Lela and Raymond Howard from Salado, Texas, who left home in June 1997 to attend the Pioneer Day festival at nearby Temple, Texas, but never arrived. They were discovered two weeks later, dead, at the bottom of a ravine near Hot Springs, Arkansas, hundreds of miles off their intended route.

About the song, Scalzo said that "It's a romanticized take on what happened" - he "pictured them taking off to have fun, like they did when they first met."

The beginning of the song features a radio scanning through FM stations; among the songs played are Jewel's "Foolish Games", Roy Orbison's "You Got It", and Madonna's "Vogue."

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Product Of The Day: Road Rage Cards

Another entry in the "Why Didn't I Think Of This?" department -- and the "That's A Good Way To Get Shot" department.


From the website:


RELAX AND LET THE FLIP BOOK DO THE SCREAMING!

Road Rage Cards™ is just what you need if you really want to make a statement.

The printing is large and easy to read from a distance. The cards are tabbed and arranged by topic, so you can find the right message fast.

The book includes a variety of uncensored and censored messages (for those with slightly smaller balls). We've included a message for just about every annoying driver you'll encounter (43 messages in all), and we've also included some blank pages for you to write your own messages!

With Road Rage Cards, you'll always be able to get your point across!





(See more here)

13 Creepy Dolls That Will Kill You In Your Sleep (Of The Day)

Not as creepy as clowns, but almost.

She is very disappointed in you. Very.

Mom? Where's my retainer?

You are getting very sleepy. I might've put something in your cocoa.

John-John not happy. When John-John not happy, big people die.

You better watch it. The last guy who pissed me off won't be pissing anybody off anymore, if you get my meaning ::wink::

Look at these eyes. Do I look like someone who would creep into your room at night, climb up into your bed oh-so-quietly, and smother you with a pillow while you kick and flail and try to pry my murderous arms off your head?


Uh-oooh. Did that hurt? Silly hatchet.

Who, us? We're not up to anything, nope. :::whistling:::

I told you my eyes hurt.

Of course I wasn't moving. I'm a doll. Go back to sleep.

Little Miss No Name. I'm sad that I have no name. You'll be sad when you have no head.

Why did you leave me in the tanning bed, Mommy, why?

Heh heh HEY! Just writing your suicide note. ::giggle::
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Monday, August 30, 2010

Music Video Of The Day: Drunk

I normally don't like talking babies, but there's something about this video that just awesomifies it.

-Frank


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Proust Questionnaire Portraits Of The Day

From VanityFair.com.

The Proust Questionnaire Portraits

What is your greatest regret? On what occasion do you lie? In an excerpt from the magazine’s latest hardcover effort, Vanity Fair’s Proust Questionnaire, 10 of our age’s most recognizable luminaries submit to Marcel Proust’s favorite parlor game. Plus: Answer your own Proust Questionnaire using your Facebook account.

Illustrations by Risko.


DAVID BOWIE
(August 1998)

What is your greatest fear?
Converting kilometers to miles.




WALTER CRONKITE
(January 1997)

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
A seagull—graceful in flight, rapacious in appetite.




BRIGITTE BARDOT
(December 1994)

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Nothing about me, everything about others.




EDWARD M. KENNEDY
(May 2006)

On what occasion do you lie?
When I tell each of my sisters that she’s the prettiest of them all.



RAY CHARLES
(February 2003)

What is your motto?
“God helps those who help themselves.”



ARTHUR MILLER
(March 1999)

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
I. Tremendous. Stupid. Idiot. Dream.



BETTE MIDLER
(August 2008)

Which living person do you most despise?
The Bluetooth-wearing S.U.V. driver who idles in front of my building.



FRAN LEBOWITZ
(November 1994)

How would you like to die?
Vindicated.



JOAN DIDION
(October 2003)

On what occasions do you lie?
I probably lie constantly, if the definition of lying includes white lies, social lies, lies to ease a situation or make someone feel better.…



ARETHA FRANKLIN
(November 2003)

What is your greatest regret?
Not learning to read music. However, Juilliard is still on my mind! I’ve come within two blocks of the building, and my schedule would not allow for me to enroll at the time.


Buy it here (and support LOTD):




Tasteless Ads Of The Day (NSFW-ish)

From Time.com, ten of the most inappropriate ads ever conceived. Inappropriate to them, that is. I like a couple of these.

BURGER KING

This campaign, which ran in the otherwise straightlaced city-state of Singapore in the first half of 2009, makes possibly the least subtle allusion to oral sex of any ad that wasn't pasted to the inside of a pay telephone booth. While the pitch may only appeal to half the population — and make nearly everyone blush and uncomfortable — it is certainly hard to forget. Did they cross a line? Probably. Burger King argues in its defense that the campaign was never intended to run in the U.S.

BUD LIGHT

This sophomoric video was banned from Super Bowl XL in 2006 — for obvious reasons. Not only does it make us cringe, but it's not exactly putting their product in a positive light. (Who would want a Bud Light after that?) Still, the company obviously knows its customers, or at least knows who it thinks its customers are. A February 2009 viral campaign featured a regular American Joe trying to buy a little porn with his Bud Light, making us wonder what kind of consumer they are trying to attract.


VIRGIN

Virgin's controversial advertisement in promotion of their CO2-conserving Pendolina train, is quite literally a news report of a mass animal orgy. What makes this ad creepier is the fact that these are humans dressed as animals. After all this, the company might consider a name change.


BACARDI BREEZER

We're not exactly sure who the target audience is for these Bacardi Breezer ads. Touting "an ugly girlfriend" as the ideal "hotness-boosting accessory," the campaign offers cringeworthy explanations: "Upgrade your trips to the beach with Sally," reads one. "97 kilograms of femininity, strength and double chins. No tires can disguise the lumpy rolls decorating that body." And this appeals to potential buyers of the quintessential girly drink — how? The ad ran for just two months through an Israeli affiliate in 2008 before Bacardi shut it down and issued an apology.

CITROEN

Unlike many of the over-the-top ads on this list, this one, by French automaker Citroen, sneaks up on you. The 2008 spot opens "with airborne shots to Wagner, reminiscent of the controversial Nazi propaganda film Triumph of the Will," noted Angus Robertson, leader of the UK's Westminster Scottish National Party, who tried to get the ad banned last year. "It goes on to feature an eagle statue similar to the Nazi emblem, a road sign in gothic script not seen in Germany since 1945, a fencing duel popular with extreme-right German fraternities and ends in front of the 1936 Berlin Olympic Stadium." Citroen defended the ad as "humorous and fun."


SCHICK QUATTRO

To be fair, it can't be easy creating a commercial for a razor that allows women to shave where the sun don't shine. But using landscaping — namely waist-high topiaries — might not have been the most subtle metaphor. The U.K. version even features a catchy jingle about "mowing the lawn." (Lyrics include "Feeling rough around the edges? It's time to trim the hedges!")



(See the rest at Time.com)

Commercial of the Day: Boob Apron (NSFW)

-Lefty

Friday, August 27, 2010

Asshole E-Mail Of The Day: Vintage Liquor




Original ad:


Collector looking for vintage scotch, rum, cognac, bourbon, etc. Willing to pay top dollar for fine bottles.


From Timmy Tucker to **********@**********.org 

Hey there! I saw your ad on ********** and have some "vintage" liquor you may be interested in.

I have about half a handle of Captain Morgan's Rum, a rare vintage rum from the Caribbean. I bought this at a liquor store on Long Island in 2007, and believe that its taste has really aged to perfection. I am willing to sell this for $300.

I also have a very rare bottle of Aristocrat Tequila. You can taste the fine vintage in every sip. I acquired it from a friend who says he bought it at a liquor store in Baltimore in 2005. You can really taste that southern atmosphere in this one! Due to its rarity, I will sell this for $500.

Also, if you are interested, I have about half a case of vintage Natural Ice beer. It was acquired from a frat party I was at about a month ago. This frat has a very old history with Syracuse, and that history came with the beer. It doesn't get much more vintage than this. I will part with this at $50 per can.

I really hate to see this stuff go, but after my third DUI, the court ordered me to do a program that involves me staying sober, so I think it is best that I part with this rare liquor.

Please let me know if you are interested. I have several other buyers lined up, so I will need to know very soon. 


From Evan ******* to Me 

You must be crazy to consider that bottom-end liquor "vintage." I am not interested and am insulted that you would even try to sell me such cheap liquor at such ridiculous prices. 



From Timmy Tucker to Evan ******* 

I am very disappointed that you are not interested in these vintage treasures. Every bottle and can I sell comes with priceless historic value. Please reconsider, because I don't think you will find an offer like this anywhere else. 


From Evan ******* to Me 

Are you nuts? You want to sell me beer you stole from a frat, that is a month old, for $50 a can? I am NOT INTERESTED. 


From Timmy Tucker to Evan ******* 

I did not steal that beer, and I resent the accusation. Please reconsider purchasing this. I am a recovering alcoholic, and fear that I will drink again if I am unable to get rid of this booze. Please do not make me drink again! 


From Evan ******* to Me 

Why don't you just throw the booze away? You have problems, man. 


From Timmy Tucker to Evan ******* 

WJKAJF EVAN U RUNED MY LIF. I DRNK ALL THE BOTTLE. U MADE ME CRSH MY CAR AND RUN AWAY NOW POLICE RJSGJKEW. WIFE IN HOSPTAL. i HATE U EVEN U DISTROY LIFE 

100 Most Mispronounced Words & Phrases In The English Language

We've talked about these things here before, but this list has some hilarious entries. I mean, who the hell really says, "It's a blessing in the skies"?

From YourDictionary.com, which, unfortunately, is not my dictionary. I prefer Dictionary.com.


NO: affidavid
YES: affidavit
Even if your lawyer's name is ''David,'' he issues affidavits.

NO: athelete, atheletic
YES: athlete, athletic
Two syllables are enough for "athlete."

NO: bob wire
YES: barbed wire
No, this word wasn't named for anyone named ''Bob;'' it should be "barbed wire," although the suffix -ed, meaning ''having,'' is fading away in the U.S.

NO: Calvary
YES: cavalry
It isn't clear why we say, ''Mind your Ps and Qs'' when we have more difficulty keeping up with our Ls and Rs. Had there been a cavalry in Jesus' time, perhaps Calvary would not have been so tragic.

NO: card shark
YES: cardsharp
Cardsharps probably won't eat you alive, though they are adept at cutting your purse strings.

NO: chester drawers
YES: chest of drawers
The drawers of Chester is a typical way of looking at these chests down South but it misses the point.

NO: drownd
YES: drown
You add the [d] only to the past tense and past participle.

NO: expresso
YES: espresso
While I can't express my love for espresso enough, this word was borrowed from Italian well after the Latin prefix ex- had developed into es-.

NO: forte
YES: fort
The word is spelled "forte" but the [e] is pronounced only when speaking of music, as a "forte passage." The words for a strong point and a stronghold are pronounced the same: [fort].

NO: Heineken remover
YES: Heimlich maneuver
This term is mispronounced many different ways. This is just the funniest one we have heard. This maneuver (manoeuvre) was named for US surgeon Henry Jay Heimlich (1920- ).

NO: jewlery
YES: jewelry
The root of this word is "jewel" and that doesn't change for either "jeweler" or "jewelry." The British add a syllable: "jewellery" (See also its spelling.)

NO: libary
YES: library
As mentioned before, English speakers dislike two [r]s in the same word. However, we have to buck up and pronounce them all.

NO: mawv
YES: mauve
This word has not moved far enough away from French to assume an English pronunciation, [mawv], and should still be pronounced [mowv].

NO: mannaise
YES: mayonnaise
Ever wonder why the short form of a word pronounced "mannaise" is "mayo"? Well, it is because the original should be pronounced "mayo-nnaise." Just remember: what would mayonnaise be without "mayo"?

NO: nother
YES: other
Misanalysis is a common type of speech error based on the misperception of where to draw the line between components of a word of phrase. "A whole nother" comes from misanalyzing "an other" as "a nother." Not good. Not good.

NO: orientate
YES: orient
Another pointless back-formation. We don't need this mispronunciation from "orientation" when we already have "orient." (See also "interpretate")

NO: perculate
YES: percolate
Pronouncing this word as "perculate" is quite peculiar. (Also, remember that it means ''drip down'' not ''up.'')

NO: perscription
YES: prescription
Same as above. It is possible that we simply confuse "pre-" and "per-" since both are legitimate prefixes.

NO: prostrate
YES: prostate
Though a pain in the prostate may leave a man prostrate, the gland contains no [r].

NO: realator
YES: realtor
As you avoid the extra vowel in "masonry," remember to do the same for "realtor," the guy who sells what the mason creates.

NO: snuck
YES: sneaked
I doubt we will get "snuck" out of the language any time soon but here is a reminder that it really isn't a word.

NO: spade
YES: spay
You can have your dog spayed but so long as she is a good dog, please don't spade her.

NO: spitting image
YES: spit and image
The very spit of someone is an exact likeness. "The spit and image" or "spit image" emphasizes the exactness.

NO: supposably
YES: supposedly
Adding -ly to participles is rarely possible, so some people try to avoid it altogether. You can't avoid it here.

NO: take for granite
YES: take for granted
We do tend to take granite for granted, it is so ubiquitous. But that, of course, is not the point.

NO: volumptuous
YES: voluptuous
Some voluptuous women may be lumpy, but please avoid this Freudian slip that apprises them of it.

(See more here at YourDictionary.com)

Vid Of The Day: Ponch Gets Tased

Now here's a reality show I could get behind -- Celebrity Tasering. I have a long list of candidates.

They should've turned down the voltage for the little guy, though.


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Thursday, August 26, 2010

Scary Swimsuits Of The Day

Summer's almost over. These will help you remember it. 

From Heavy.com.

I think it's on backwards, Mr. Strahan.

Can you hold these for me?

That suit is all wrong for the guy's body type.

Speaking of guys...

She'll be dead soon, but don't be sad. We'll make a belt from her hide and think of her every time we wear it.

Close.

Might as well be naked, except nobody wants to see that any naked-er.

Right. If M is for man.

(Gluttons for punishment can see the rest here)

Multitasker Of The Day


Woman Nabbed For Auto Erotic Crime

AUGUST 25--A Cincinnati woman was simultaneously masturbating with a sex toy and watching a pornographic video while driving last week, according to cops who arrested her on assorted criminal charges.

Colondra Hamilton, 36, was pulled over last Tuesday evening in a traffic stop triggered when cops noticed she was driving a 2008 Pontiac with overly tinted windows.

That’s when officers noticed that Hamilton’s pants were unbuttoned. And she had a vibrator in her lap. When questioned, Hamilton admitted to engaging in auto-erotic manipulation, and revealed that she had also been watching a porno movie playing on the laptop of a friend in the passenger seat, according to an Elmwood Place Police Department report.

Hamilton, pictured in this mug shot, was booked into the Hamilton County jail on a misdemeanor count of driving with “impaired alertness.” Hamilton was also charged with possession of drug paraphernalia since cops found a “broken piece of crack pipe” in her purse.

She was not, however, accused of using the pipe while she was driving and masturbating and watching an X-rated film, the title of which was not released.

21 Celebrities Who Need To Change Their Names (Of The Day)

Everybody's gotta be different now, is that it? Diversity is fine, but give me something I can pronounce. John Wayne. Tony Curtis. Cary Grant. Those were star names. Not this shit.


Nestor Carbonell
The guy who played Richard Alpert on "Lost" has a name that sounds like a sketchy pasta dish. “Our special tonight is Nestor Carbonell -- spinach linguine with caper sauce, topped with long-eared Christmas donkey medallions.”



Sean Bean
Spoken, it’s fine, but it reads as “Seen Bean,” someone Dr. Seuss might’ve written about.

Have you seen Bean?
Whomever do you mean?

I mean Bean, you fiend,
Have you Sean Bean?




Chiwetel Ejiofor
Chi-wah Who-wha? Can someone Chiwe-tell me how to pronounce this fucked-up name? (Whatever you call him, he played Huey Lucas in American Gangster, where he and The News sang, “I Want A New Drug.”)



America Ferrara
Whenever I encounter assonance in celebrity names, I just want to combine them: “Americarrara.”



Sandra Oh
The sound of disappointment.

“Who’s in this movie?”
“That beast from Grey’s Anatomy.”
“Oh. What else is on?”




M. Night Shyamalan
Shyamalan is fine -- it gives us all a reason to call him “Shama-lama-ding-dong.” But he's gotta lose that unnecessary M. John C. Reilly needs his C because there’s another John Reilly in SAG. Somehow I doubt there’s another Night Shyamalan, and if there was, he surely changed his name after
The Happening.



Kellie Pickler
Pickler? I barely know her!



Zeljko Ivanek
Great actor (24, Damages, House, True Blood), crappy name. Under “Alternate Names,” IMdb.com lists “’Z with a caron Zeljko Ivanek’, ‘Z-with-inverted-circumflex-eljko Ivanek’, ‘Željko Ivanek’ and ‘Z’, proving that even they don’t what the hell to do with that name. Why don't you trade in a k or two for some vowels, chief?



Adam Carolla
I drove a Corolla once. It sucked. I suggest Adam Camry or Adam 4Runner, both far superior makes of Toyota.



William Hung
I hope so, 'cause the motherfucker sure can’t sing.



Andy Dick
Actually, this one is perfect.



Rupert Grint and Ioan Gruffudd
Weren’t they the villains in Great Expectations?



Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje
Whenever you say his name, a genie appears.



Miley Cyrus
Myrus.



Jeff Probst
A name that sounds like a cross between two things that frighten me: probe and Pabst.



Skeet Ulrich
Skeet? Were Spunk and Jizz already taken?



Tyra Banks
“Tyra” sounds a lot like “tiring.” Coincidence?



Stockard Channing
Stockyard? No one should have a name that reminds people of pig shit.



Billy Crudup
Shut the crud up, Billy. Yeah, I know, it’s pronounced “KROOD-up.” Like that's any better.



Shia LeBoeuf
Shy in the buff? Why? Coming up a little short?



Wilmer Valderrama
Wilmerrama.

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