Friday, May 28, 2010

Customers From Hell: Quotes Of The Day

Funnies from Adam and

Ice cream shop, Michigan

(A customer orders a sundae in a small banana boat. It’s two mounds of ice cream with hot fudge, pecans, whip cream, and a cherry.)

ME: “Can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “Yes, I’d like the hot fudge pecan royale. Can you make it with twist ice cream?”
ME: “Yes. ”
CUSTOMER: “That comes with whip cream, right?”
ME: “Yes it does.”
CUSTOMER: “Good. I don’t want a cherry though, they’re fattening.”

Credit Card Call Center, Florida

ME: “Thanks for calling Credit Card Services, how may I help you today?”
CUSTOMER: “Yeah, I was just looking over my statement and see I was charged a late fee. Why?”
ME: “Well, when we receive a payment past the due date, a late fee is normally assessed to the account. Do you have any idea why we received the payment late?”
CUSTOMER: “I was on vacation and didn’t send it in until the 12th.”
ME: “Well, the payment was due on the 8th and there is usually at least seven days between customers sending in their payment until we can receive and process them.”
CUSTOMER: “Well, can you waive that fee for me?”
ME: ”Unfortunately, since the fee was billed appropriately, there isn’t any way that it can be removed.”
CUSTOMER: “Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?”
ME: “How is that in any way relevant to this conversation?”
CUSTOMER: “Jesus would waive my fee!”
ME: “Jesus wouldn’t own a bank.”

Zoo, Scotland, UK

ME: “Hi, do you need any help?”
GUY AT ZOO: “Yeah… do the chimps, like, speak English?”
ME: “Ummm…. no.”

Coffee Shop, Raleigh, NC

CUSTOMER: “Is the lemon pound cake fresh? Like, is it soft?”
ME: “All of our pastries are fresh, sir. Would you like a sample, to see if you like it?”
CUSTOMER: “Just let me feel it.”

(I put the slice of cake on a plate and watch resignedly as he pokes the cake full of holes.)

CUSTOMER: “Yeah, I guess that’s soft enough.”
ME: “Alright…”

(I pick up the slice of cake with tongs and move to put it in a pastry bag.)

CUSTOMER: “Not THAT one! It’s got holes all in it!”

Furniture store, Netherlands

(I’m working at a well-known Scandinavian furniture store. Our children’s supervised play area only allows ages 3 to 6. Parents need to fill in a form with the names of the children and the address…)

CUSTOMER: (writes down age 7)
ME: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but only children from 3 until 6 are allowed to play in here.”
CUSTOMER: (makes a 6 out of the 7 and looks at me with a big smile)

Fast Food, Ontario, Canada

(I work at a popular fast food restaurant. Drive-through customers should be aware that we can hear every word they say.)

CO-WORKER: “Hi, welcome to ***. How can I help you?”
CUSTOMER: “I just need a minute to decide.”
CO-WORKER: “No problem, just let me know when you are ready.”

(The customer talks to his passengers, while we listen…)

CUSTOMER, to his passengers: “I should ask for something dumb on my ice cream, just to see what they say. How about pickles? They would probably just ignore me. Oh, I know… tomatoes!”
CUSTOMER, to my coworker: “Okay, I’m ready.”
CO-WORKER: “Alright, go ahead…”
CUSTOMER: “I’d like an ice cream sundae with tomatoes on it, please.”
CO-WORKER: “I’m sorry, due to the recent recall in the States, we aren’t serving tomatoes right now. Can I offer you a sundae with pickles instead?”
CUSTOMER: *drives off without ordering anything*

Retail, Minneapolis, MN

(I’ve just spent about 10 minutes answering fairly standard questions from a customer about an iPod. Then, they asked this one…)

CUSTOMER: “Oh, before you leave I have one more question!”
ME: “Sure, what can I help you with?”
CUSTOMER: “Will the iPod get heavier if I put more songs on it?”

Computer Store, Buenos Aires, Argentina

(A man on his mid-forties shoves a DVD case on the counter, while yelling at me. Keep in mind that I’m wearing glasses.)

CUSTOMER: “This DVD doesn’t work, G** D***it! I want a refund!”
ME: “Okay… what seems to be the problem?”
CUSTOMER: “I don’t know, it doesn’t work!”

(I open the case and check the surface of the DVD. It was so scratched that it was nearly white instead of purple, and it even had a dry fingerprint of something that looked like peanut butter.)

ME: “Um… sir?”
Me: “I can’t give you a refund for a product that has been damaged by the customer.”
CUSTOMER: What?! The disc is fine! I want a refund!”
ME “Sir, the disc is damaged, and I cannot give you a refund.”
CUSTOMER: “I want to speak to the manager!”
ME: “Of course.”

(I walk away to the back of the store, take off my glasses, and walk to the counter again.)

ME: “Yes, what is the problem?”
CUSTOMER: “YOUR POOR EXCUSE FOR A SALESMAN WON’T–” (He suddenly figures it out.) F*** THIS S***!” *continues swearing while he storms out of the store*


  1. And that's why I only lasted 4 months at Customer Service.

  2. I'm with you Chrocs! I know me well enough to safely say that customer service is NOT an area where I would do well. At least not unmedicated. Stupid people make me tired.

    I love the ice cream story! I had a bunch of customers at BR who would get a totally loaded sundae, split, etc., but ask me to leave off the nuts or the cherry because of the "extra calories." And they'd wash it down with a Diet Coke. (Actually, it was a Tab--this was 1979.)

  3. I lasted 8 months at Macy's. I was 22. Today I wouldn't last two days.

  4. Superm...I mean, Clark Kent works at a computer store in Buenos Aires?

  5. I worked at a party supply store one summer. My favorite story (which I've submitted to Not Always Right and they haven't put it up) was this one really grouchy, nasty mom, there with her daughter, who filled two entire carts with several hundred dollars worth of stuff that was obviously for the girl's upcoming birthday party. Ringing her up, I noticed she was buying big bags of balloons and asked if she wanted to rent a helium tank too. "What do I need that for?" she asked.

    "So you can inflate the balloons and they'll float up in the air," I told her.

    "You mean they won't do that if I just blow them up myself?" she asked me.

    I managed to keep a straight face as I said no, and she sighed angrily and demanded to know how much it cost to rent the helium tank. I showed her the rate sheet for the various tanks, and she turned to her daughter and said "you sure are spoiled," in an acid tone of voice. What a charmer she was!

  6. It was my first professional job. I got fired for not being understanding to customers who were about 10 years into the business and still clueless. I, being arrogant and just out of college, of course knew everything. I still have a hard time trying not to snort when I'm asked to do absurd things.

  7. I never did care for Tab. Loved RC, though. Tried it not long ago (diet version) and hated it.

    Anyway, years ago we were out to dinner and my Grandma ordered a Banana Split for dessert. The waitress told her it was currently unavailable as they were out of bananas. Granny flipped her shit and informed the young lady she didn't give a flying fock about the fruit, just bring the GD thing out. Fabulous moment.

  8. Since I am no longer working the circulation desk at the library and dealing with the public, I would have to say there are some of our patrons that I miss getting to see. I would also have to say that since starting my new job, there are some of our patrons that I am not missing AT ALL. :D

  9. The amount of stupid in this world is amazing. (Watching the video in the previous post has put me dangerously close to the stupid threshold.)

  10. Chrocs.. right on. You remind me of me. I almost got fired from my last job because I laughed at my boss when he said I didn't show enough enthusiasm at the staff mtg. I thought he was joking.

  11. I am NOT a people person. Some people I can get to like after a time, but I have to remind myself that the morons that come in off the street and demand unreasonable discounts, etc are people too.

  12. I quit the first job I ever had at CompUSA after a few months. Honestly, the stream of idiots who swore they knew what they were doing computer-wise, but inevitably came to us to undo their mistakes.

    Like the guy who refused to pay the extra $20 for us to install and test his new RAM.

    He ended up paying that $20, and another $250 for another new RAM chip when we figured out he had scraped the contact points all to hell with a pair of needle-nose pliers trying to get it into the mount on the motherboard.

  13. I worked from home as a call/order taker for ShopNBC. OMG..people are freakin' stupid. My favorite calls were the pranks..NOT.

    Although, we did have our regular weirdos. This one guy had a foot fetish and used to call all weekend long. One night I answered the phone and he says, "Would you get mad if a man walked up to you and started smelling your feet?" My reply..."Yes I would..since I have no feet!" Thankfully, I didn't have to talk to him anymore that night:)

  14. Oh, Cam! I had a customer call and leave a message that he was having trouble installing his RAM (that he didn't buy from us), and he wanted me to call him back. He called a short while later to let me know that the problem was the location of the notch on the RAM. He had a file and was making adjustments to the RAM.

    Never heard back from him on that.

  15. Lefty want to hear a real winner?

    We had a customer who routinely called our help desk with a bunch of actually intelligent computer questions. It got to be such a common occurrence that if a day went by without a call from him it felt wrong.

    Turns out he was using the free help desk for his job, at an IT department. His boss came in when he looked at the phone bill and saw all the calls to our store right around the time problems started getting fixed at work.

    The guy had lied on his resume and had no clue what he was doing.

  16. Ooh! Then he's a double-maxi moron for not using his cell phone.



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